1) Darkoba: How friendships are made.
The inspector emerged from the hold.
"There's nothing strictly illegal, but you are carrying barely tolerated goods. There's an export fee to pay on those Tislean cigars and reams of forms to fill in before I can let you leave."
"How much?"
"Two-hundred cred's. The forms will take hours and you'll have to wait a few days for clearance."
"Can't afford the time."
"Then you'll have to leave the cigars."
The pilot silently handed over the carton of cigars.
"You're cleared to leave. See you next time."
The Cobra took off. The inspector grinned.
The pilot grinned - "Well, that worked."
2) Cathy: A Man Unmade
Cartel bureaucracy is minimal: a pale card; a pinprick of his blood; a bright flame, and his solemn vow... "May I boil, burn and bleed if I betray my friends."
They toast him with Leestian brandy and his youthful chest swells with pride. Years of graft, and at last he's made.
Later, alone in her idling cockpit on the far side of the system, Chandra Jay decrypts a transmission. Just two words: "I'm in."
She logs its Federal code with a simple pencil and closes her eyes, calculating how much the boy's new friends will pay her for this information.
3) W4rSkull: Zorans Revenge
He bangs his fists on the table.
"Damn fools!"
The journey had taken several days to prepare. And now they were stranded
on a small outpost on an asteroid in Lave system.
"These damn bureaucrats".
They wanted him to pay duty on liquors and wines.
"Customs and expenses".
"The devil take them." he muttered.
Inside the cargo hold had Captain Zoran some new friends.
Aliens from the system Valur. Muscles, pointy teeth and fond of human flesh.
Time to get rid of these bureaucratic farts.
Zoran whispered to Lord Edvin
"Unleash the customs, let's see how they like it wild".
4) Ian Phillips: Smugglers contact
I met her on holiday on a resort planet, and we 'connected'.
She works in the Federation Customs and Excise Enforcement division. Its where they decide where to send the inspectors and interception squadrons. I thought it sounded interesting, so that's why I arranged the meeting.
There she is.
Paula, I'd like introduce you to my father.
Hello my dear, pleased to meet you. Come let us walk whilst we talk.
I'm interested in maximising profits and sharing them with my friends, and if you could provide me with ways to avoid unnecessary bureaucracy, perhaps we could become new friends...
5) Musashi: The Room
The closed door looked innocuous enough, but McKinnon knew the truth. Young Lambert had been in there for two days, and it had been unusually quiet for most of that time. Everyone came out changed.
Everyone.
It was interesting, he thought, how just one experience could so profoundly alter the very core of someone’s self-identity. Many had been broken entirely in that room.
The door opened and Lambert emerged. Unsteady, ashen, the eyes different now, but - walking. Perhaps he'd been more resilient than McKinnon had given him credit for.
"Congratulations!" exclaimed McKinnon. "You've completed the Alliance Administration and Bureaucracy Exam!"
6) Frank: Red Tape and Ribbons
He slapped a page down in front of the sullen-faced girl behind a counter. She glanced at it before looking at him, "I can't validate this 42S69 Friend Acquisition Form. Your sponsor has signed the wrong box."
He sighed. He thought about all that queuing.
She was still looking at him, "Have you thought about... unofficial channels?"
He was surprised, "You mean... The Thargoid and Fer-de-Lance at 8:00?"
"I finish at 5:00"
"It's a date?"
She pushed back on her stool. The little smile she cracked on her concrete features was like dawn on an icy planet, "It's a date."
7) Darren Grey: A Breach of Policy
Memo to all staff:
We have recently heard disturbing reports of misuse of genetic material in the labs. We would like to take a moment to remind staff of relevant sections of our company policy:
• Section 3.4 forbids the use of genetic material in creating human facsimiles for recreation purposes.
• Section 3.5.1 strictly forbids the creation of facsimiles in the form of celebrities, family members or work colleagues. I’m told Karen is particularly upset by the latest incident.
• Section 6.4 utterly forbids any sexual activity in the labs.
Further breaches of policy shall be strongly reprimanded.
Yours respectfully,
The Management
8) Gimi: Docking Clearance
He looked down at the docking clearance in utter puzzlement.
Oddly enough, there were two.
“Docking clearance 23A2342:
Proceed to Docking Area Three, bay 3-A5 for unloading of minerals.
Warning: Ship's manifest includes alcoholic beverages.
Regulation 3345-3A states that intoxicants are prohibited in docking area three.
Docking clearance 23A2343:
Proceed to Docking Area Seven, bay 7-C2 for unloading of alcoholic beverages.
Warning: Ship's manifest includes titanium ore.
Regulation 7798-8Z states that unrefined substances are prohibited in docking area seven.
Breach of docking instructions will result in offender status and subsequent fines.
For clarifications please contact our new friendly automated Dockmaster.“
9) Bikky: New Bureaucratic Friends
Two bureaucrats eyed each other suspiciously. John starts off the discussion. ‘I propose that all new pilots must spend six months flying inter-station shuttle runs before being allowed in the space lanes.’
Mark nods, ‘And to that the need to complete an exam each month on piloting skills.’
John smiles. ‘We should also get them to complete a detailed daily report of their flights.’
‘In Triplicate.’ Adds Mark. ‘Once allowed into space, they can’t purchase offensive weapons for the first year.’
‘Or three hundred interstellar trips, whichever comes first.’ Says John
‘To new friends,’ says Mark, and they shake hands.
10) insanephoton: Salvage blues
I'm beginning to wish I hadn't bothered salvaging the derelict Anaconda. It doesn't look as if I'll get out of here until they've traced the paperwork on every single container. At least I'm not going to get charged for piracy or slaving, thanks to my new friends.
They were part of the cargo. I was searching the wreck and noticed an alarm. Their stasis pod was failing. I got them out. Seems they were picked up by pirates. Not sure what happened to the ship. At least they vouched for me.
The officer smiles 'Only five hundred more to check'
11) Flavio: Ache(r)nar
Meeting up with an old Imperial friend was very informative especially as he gave me a tip on where to go for some excitement, he mentioned a place he called "Achenar" which was a couple of jumps away. I had never heard or seen it on any map, time to change that.
On arriving at Capitol I saw a huge banner saying "Welcome to Achernar" but everyone I met kept on saying Achenar as in "How are you finding Achenar?". I guess that it the banner has a typo but I am not going to say anything to offend friends.
12) DaddyHoggy: In the shadows
I nudge my old Moray into a careful spin. She matches velocity with the gently tumbling asteroid off my port side. I track the rich vein of ore hinted at below the surface and wait for it to slowly rotate into the sights of my mining laser. In the deep shadows I see a faint, but familiar, glow. An escape pod, crumpled, but intact. There’ll be a lot of forms to fill in if I shoot it, more perhaps, if I don’t. With a sigh, I bring the ship into scoop range. It has been years since I've had company.
13) Gavthomas: Mob handed
Cmdr Stryder was usually one to frequent the more reputable, and therefore safer, trading posts. However, the increasingly narrow margins of well trodden routes, combined with lengthy docking checks and regular security sweeps, forced him to consider more creative paths of cargo transaction. A recent ship-to-ship exchange gave Stryder contact with the 'Salvatore' guild of trading cooperatives, promising significantly greater returns without the red tape, potential scans and docking fees. "Sounds like an offer I can't refuse." He was blissfully unaware of the irony as he arrived from super-cruise to find eighteen snakes awaiting his arrival.
"Welcome to the family..."
14) DaddyHoggy: One too many
On the cargo ramp of my Cobra the Export Goods Agent looked as fed up as I did.
He showed me the screen again. The manifest stated: 18 Transport Containers (Exotic Animals (Humanoid/Mammalian), Cryo-sleep-4).
We recounted the containers. There were still 19.
“You’ll have to open one,” he said dispassionately.
I pleaded, but he would not be swayed. To depart, I’d have to adopt a ship mascot and hope it was cabin-trained.
I opened the nearest TC and a naked girl eventually climbed out of the vapour.
“Exotic indeed,” he said, closing the manifest and walking away, seemingly satisfied.
