Community Event / Creation Drabble Contest #181: Ranking & Edward Lewis's Christmassy Biscuit

Pick three of these stories

  • 01 - Futuristic Kung Fu - Biscuits from all and to all Biscuits

    Votes: 2 11.1%
  • 02 - Listeri69 - Rank Rank Rank, Rank Rank Rank, Rank Rank Rank Rank Rank Rank Raaaaank.

    Votes: 4 22.2%
  • 03 - FelixBast - A Little Rank

    Votes: 6 33.3%
  • 04 - Psykokow - Read Twice, Enter once..

    Votes: 3 16.7%
  • 05 - Alien - A Trio Of Biscuity Christmas Carols

    Votes: 7 38.9%
  • 06 - Simoof - The last stand of Custar

    Votes: 2 11.1%
  • 07 - Mikesnos - T'was the night before Christmas

    Votes: 3 16.7%
  • 08 - Mike Drenth - Biscuits Lost

    Votes: 2 11.1%
  • 09 - T.J. - The Ballard Of Biscuit Time

    Votes: 5 27.8%
  • 10 - Massey - Founders Biscuit

    Votes: 2 11.1%
  • 11 - Frank - I've Got Enough Mugs Anyway

    Votes: 3 16.7%
  • 12 - Commander Sir Samuel Vimes - My First Drabble Poem

    Votes: 3 16.7%
  • 13 - RoyalHankey - Psykokow's Lost Mug (Part 2 of 3)

    Votes: 2 11.1%
  • 14 - Moose666 - Caca forté

    Votes: 1 5.6%
  • 15 - Edith_The_Hutt - Do Community Managers Dream Of Electric Sheep?

    Votes: 4 22.2%
  • 16 - phong - The Forum Hoarse Man of the Clipper Docks

    Votes: 2 11.1%
  • 17 - insanephoton - Imperial Red Tape

    Votes: 2 11.1%

  • Total voters
  • Poll closed .

Welcome to the Drabble show. Last week's competition was one hell of a scrap between Felixbast and Alien. They both tied and decided this week's topic would be "Ranking & Edward Lewis's Christmassy Biscuit"

Psykokow hosts the Abraka-Drabble live reading show and "comedy" hour at 7pm GMT, Fridays on...
LAVE RADIO! (audio only)
TWITCH! (audio & visual)
and will also be uploaded to his You-tube channel & anywhere else he can inflict the world with our drabblings!

Come back on Sunday night to see how well your Drabble has done. At least come back before Monday 15:00 to check if you're the one that has to provide us with a topic.

Please vote. And a warning to all of the contestants, don't vote for yourselves. Anyone caught voting for themselves shall be forced to eat a raisin cookie <bletch>

01 - Futuristic Kung Fu - Biscuits from all and to all Biscuits

The Drabble Team Were competing to make the best Christmas biscuits for Edward Lewis. Frank made cuboid biscuits, which was to be expected since he was a box. Alien's biscuit were green, wobbly, tasted like mangoes and had probably come out of one of her orifices. Felixbast, predictably, made his with Bast snake gin because, as he always said, alcohol made everything better, even when the first rule of the competition was "no alcohol allowed". Eric McCree made cookehs and was disqualified. Psykokow made his biscuits with Simoof. When he ranked them, Edward Lewis put the Simoof biscuits at #1.

02 - Listeri69 - Rank Rank Rank, Rank Rank Rank, Rank Rank Rank Rank Rank Rank Raaaaank.

In the galactic christmas biscuit competition, Ed had maintained a solid lead through the last two days.
The next event was, however proving a bit of a challenge.
Taking place in Cubicle three at Hutton Orbital, Ed had to produce his own biscuit. He read the rules again.
'Judges will be looking for the perfect specimen, golden brown, slightly chewy with plenty of nuts.
We expect the winner to be high ranking going into the final day'.
Ed was nervous so far he had produced nothing 'ok Ed it's now or never, I need to rank' he thought squatting down

03 - FelixBast - A Little Rank

When I drunkenly woke the next morning, she had left me a note and the hotels complimentary box of Ed Lewis’s Christmassy Biscuits.
I read the note and nibbled one of Ed’s Ginger Nuts.
“Your docking privileges have been revoked.”
I must have been really drunk last night and made her angry.
Angering someone who can hack every computer system there is, is very bad.
I found out just how angry she was when I returned to the empty dock where my ship used to be.
I also discovered my pilots rank had been changed from “Dangerous” to “Disappointingly Small”.

04 - Psykokow - Read Twice, Enter once..

Ed was judging this years bake off using his steely eyes and perfect hair, almost like a wax work. He had sampled some amazing tastes and variations so far.
His favourite was the Beldarkri Bourbon and it’s strangely addictive chocolate cream filling.

The last contestant was listeri69, his huge smile and very reddened face adorned with sweat beadlets was likely a sign of the pressure of the event.

The biscuit was plain, digestive like with a white creamy topping, little bit salty.

Listeri caught a glance at Ed's clip board and panickily scurried away muttering “ranked on their biscuits!!! Crap!!!”

05 - Alien - A Trio Of Biscuity Christmas Carols

Good Edward Lewis

When Edward Lewis reviewed a biscuit,
And he did stream it
And the drabblers were all watching
Looking for a shunning
Nothing gets a ten you know
On the journey home
What is Ed's Favourite biscuit bake?
It's probably not a jaffa cake.

He Dunked Three Times

I saw Ed Lewis dunk three times
On Christmas Day, On Christmas Day
I saw Ed Lewis dunk three times
On Christmas Day in the morning.

The Galactic Intern

Away in the Galaxy
No biscuits and no bread
The Galatic intern was ranking them
Fortenum & Mason's best he said.

06 - Simoof - The last stand of Custar

poomf. The door opened releasing the vacuum that had formed over centuries. Dim light danced through swirling dust clouds.
Entering slowly, deliberately. It was exactly as the prophet had said.
The skeleton poised on the couch had regained its modesty, grateful that not all parts of the body contains bones.
On the table in front, a large pile of dust.
He blew away the dust until the pattern... Stomach knotted - this looked exactly like he remembered...
Placing the stasis jar over it he picked it up to eye level...
The jar dropped with his dreams. Not yellow but pink filling!!

07 - Mikesnos - T'was the night before Christmas

"T'was the night before Christmas
Edward was in distress
(no that's 'distress' not 'this dress')

His 'Little lunchtime stream' (not my words... don't want to know about his weak bladder)
Had hit a stumbling block

Instead of a biscuit, he's judging Xmas Pud
But here's where we get the tears
Is it a biscuit? Is it a plane? Is it a cake? Is it a train?
For Ed the answer isn't plain!

Ed decides by taste and texture alone
Sadly it's last year's pudding which really stank
A new category is added to the spreadsheet
for items that are rank!"

08 - Mike Drenth - Biscuits Lost

Biscuits. It seemed lame, but I was hard up. I handled the package, reading the words.
Christmassy Biscuits
To Edward Lewis
Bernard's Star Station

Must be really special ones. Only 27 more jumps... Time passes slowly. Too slowly with a package that is beyond temptation. Approaching Bernard's station, the last of my willpower sapped. The packing had been sliced. A biscuit passed my lips while waiting for clearance. Bliss. On approach, crumbs floating in zero gravity. Silly dry biscuits. A short, all control lost. A crash on the station wall. Vacuum eats fire. Biscuits in space... Edward Lewis in tears.

09 - T.J. - The Ballard Of Biscuit Time

Four and twenty Edwards came down from Sothis, and when the stream was over there were four and twenty less.



Biscuits for yer partner

Biscuits for 'em all.

If you've never dunked on a lunchtime stream you've never dunked at all.

The Space Loach was there doing his usual trick.

Grabbed a Jammie Dodger biscuit by his teeth and hit it against a brick.


Mike Brookes he was there nibbling a Hobnob with his chum.

Grinning in the corner his beard was full of crumb.


Sandro he was there with a (Oh dear... out of words.)

10 - Massey - Founders Biscuit

“You’ll never do it”.
The galactic intern reached into his pocket and pulled out a foil wrapped biscuit stamped “Founders Special”.
“This is the elite level of biscuits” he said proudly.
In the back of the cockpit a soft muted siren started, the intern smiled and said “It’s ready!”.
“Hope its Fujin Special” asked the pilot.
The intern tore into the wrapper, and lowered the biscuit into the filled Hutton-mug.
“One, two, three… “ the intern counted and slowly lifted the biscuit out of the steaming tea.
He held up the soggy shard that then fell into his tea, “W**k!”

11 - Frank - I've Got Enough Mugs Anyway

There was a kerfuffle in the galley as Commodore Ed Lewis entered. "Don't panic men, I'm just here to relax. Was that a game of 'Soggy Biscuit' you were playing? I was good at that at University. You could say I was a high ranking player."

"Did you say 'ranking', Sir?"

"A gravity game. You hold your biscuit in your tea as long as possible. The winner throws his still-complete biscuit into the middle of the table." Ed picked up the biscuit. "I see you already have a winner. It's all Christmassy white as well." He then took a bite.

12 - Commander Sir Samuel Vimes - My First Drabble Poem

So this weeks Drabble topics are Edward Lewis's Christmassy biscuit and ranking

Difficult to Drabble about I might not bother and occupy my time by

Doing a Hutton run

I'm sure I can come up with something that will be a hit

Although I normally just write any old


I'll tell you what I'll give some poetry a punt

I'm sure no one will say I'm a

Bad poet

You know I think I've got this Drabble thing mastered

I'll enter this like a clever


I hope this gets 3 cheers as it assaults the Drabble crowds ears

13 - RoyalHankey - Psykokow's Lost Mug (Part 2 of 3)

He went into the antiques shop and saw Winnard.
He asked about his cup.
Winnard said 'He sold it top Alien'
So he remembered where Alien worked so he set off
He turned left at the junction
Then turned left then right then went into Aliens Beauty Parlour.
He asked where the cup was she bought from the antique shop
Alien said its here. Psykokow replied 'Its mine there has been a mistake'
'Well if you want it back you have to offer me something big.
Psykokow said you can have my Orca and some extra ranking'.
Alien replied ' Deal'

14 - Moose666 - Caca forté

Simoof had setup a nativity scene on Psykokow's orca, featuring the mistertree with Christmassy biscuits hanging off it.
Kow had noticed a rank smell from the back of it, and investigated. Hidden behind the mistertree was a Mister Potato-head, with a non-standard buttocks attachment, and a turd.

He presented the offending item to Simoof.
"Oh, you found the caganer!"
"The what?" asked Kow.
"Its the done thing for parts of Spain" explained Simoof "A figurine of someone dropping a jobby"
"And who's this figurine supposed to be?"

And that's how Simoof was hospitalised, with a potato up his nose.

15 - Edith_The_Hutt - Do Community Managers Dream Of Electric Sheep?

Ed smiled and dunked his Hobnob.


No more Q&A. No more live-streams. No more dealing with an obnoxious public hungry for his blood.

In the black he was free from those distractions, free to dance the stars; Waltz white dwarfs, Tango T-Tauris, Calypso with Corrioli and rank with the Elite, if he was worthy.

He would finally play on his terms, public be damned.

An interdiction. He submitted

“I'm gonna boil you up!”

He shrugged and taught the fool some manners

“I'm glad that tip paid off...”

Another pirate, another corpse

“How's the biscuit Ed?”

What? How did they...

16 - phong - The Forum Hoarse Man of the Clipper Docks

Kerplang always knew he wasn't a good pilot.But with resources so stretched preparing for the inevitable clash to come,he'd been drafted along with his classmates,rushed through Aerospace Academy and seconded to the scout service.It was only when he collided with the ooman ship and they were both stranded on a desolate rock and forced to co-operate to survive ,that he acquired a taste for 'Bizkits'
And not just any old biscuit,noo,these were Ed Lewis's chrissmassey biscuits.
And thus was peace secured throughout known space and lo, a new light shone forth from Winnards Hole.

17 - insanephoton - Imperial Red Tape

Ed Lewis was a master baker. Starting as a kitchen hand on Braben Prospect. He'd started his own company. His first great success was his Christmassy biscuit. The profits had allowed him to found a chain of bakery shops and then a franchise. The company had grown to the extent that few people outside the Empire hadn't enjoyed the pleasure of one of Ed's famous sausage rolls.
The only barrier to complete domination was the Empire. Imperial laws required all business owners to have high rank. Reluctantly Ed headed to his Anaconda with his trusty crew of Loachy and Sandy.



Volunteer Moderator
Ohhh 4 votes that's twice as much as usual... Added RoyalHankeys vote to alien for him.
Phew! I nearly forgot to vote! Some of the drabble content was "predictable" <shudder> but all in all a fine tin of biscuits. Choosing was difficult, but somehow a little less so than recent weeks. I'd have entered a drabble but somebody ate all my Christmassy biscuits and took my inspiration too.
Good luck to all entrants (do with that comment what you will ;) )
Thanks for the fun. I've missed writing, but how to have a bit more time now to get back into it. These 100 words seems like a good warm-up.
Congratulations Alien, a well deserve unique and special Drabble Mug is on its way to you, as soon as they arrive here!!! :D Our first winner !! YAY
I just hope alien did not spend more on buying votes than the value of the mug. I mean she can' have beaten my drabble fairly. I was a close second though.
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