so there's that good pal of mine who bought ed based on my recommendations about a year ago. i even gifted him my spare hotas which, as expected, made him happy like a kid with a new toy, which is the whole point of a spare hotas.
he called me up the day before yesterday. maybe it was the day before that? anyway, he hadn't been playing for a long while and was feeling that unforgiving itch we all know all to well. but he wanted to do so in vr and, overwhelmed with all the different offers and opinions, wanted some suggestions.
- "pal, with your graphics card and the state the market is right now, you will be better of just getting a second hand vive or rift which will be really cheap, will give you very much the basic experience and you'll see from there. you're welcome to crash at my place anytime and have a go, but be warned, i do have life fancying substances aplenty but no ac and it's now a bit too hot to put that crap over your face for any significant amount of time even with any amount of those".
i must have sound very convincing at first, because he seems to have ignored the rest of the message. a couple hours later he already had contacted some guy, driven off, struck a deal and got back home with a second hand rift, then sorted out everything needed to have a first glimpse of ed in vr.
i had been itching aswell but this amounted to a direct provocation so, crushing heat and all, next day it was of course just natural to spend some time together in virtual reality (as a way of speaking, like there could exist of some form of reality that isn't virtual in the end, but you get me, right?). and a good time we had! with ganking and all! but let's not rush it ... will you please let me waste a bit more of your useless time with this story? come on! where are your manners? don't act like your time were so precious and you had something utterly important to do right now! what else would you be doing on an internet forum in the first place?
turns out in his several months of play he hadn't really figured out what kind of game elite really is at its core, so he plays strictly and chivalryly in open (yes, chivalryly, that's a word i just made up, so what? all words were made up at some point. you just witnessed the birth of a word. mark this day, stop making a fuss and keep reading). of course i obliged. mainly because we would have had a hard time meeting in solo (frontier pls fix already!!!) and priv group is exactly the same crap as open but without the extra spice, so it actually made a lot of sense. ha! and you thought noobs were dumb!
i suggested we use the in-game comms, which are cool as hell, instead of skype or discord, and it took us only 3 attempts and 2 disconnects to get linked up. sweet! now that we can communicate in our 70s futuristic set spacey cockpits, let's talk out what to do! he was a bit unsure and asked me to guide. and i knew. oh, i knew all too well!
well, actually we weren't. he didn't even realize i had rammed him. after much confusion and several unmasked swear words adorned by static noise and occasional blips we figured out he wasn't actually seeing me. my srv, that is. he was baffled. sigh, poor sod still believes this is a proper multiplayer game.
well, actually we weren't. turns out his srv controls were all screwed up and not working anymore. i know for sure they worked once because he somehow had gathered some basic planetary mats for very basic engineering.
- "go figure (cough), that tactical paintjob has really nasty side effects, dude. but don't worry, just check your bindings quick"
after much effort he managed to ... go straight forward, and straight backward. hey, that's undeniably a good start! i told him to take a deep breath, then another even deeper breath, then take his time and sort it out. baby steps will get you anywhere! while he patiently went through option after option i just went nuts jumping down the cliff. and up. and down. and up. aaaand down. and up! srvtastic gymnastics! can't deny i had my fun
and it was while travelling in supercruise where the real shock hit me. noooo, not the gank. you'll have to wait just a bit more for that! no, it was much, much worse. inenarrably worse. my pal just decided out of the blue that it was a good moment to, wait for it ... scan some stuff! and i guess he hadn't been playing since before the fss (no swearing intended). know what i mean? no, you don't. you know nothing. this isn't the regular trauma of a human confronting the utterly silly mess of scanning controls and modes someone at frontier produced out of some of the holes of his heavily drunk anatomy. no. if that were the case, well i would have cursed him to oblivion and back but still would have tried, at least tried, to help him out, give him some vague pointers at least. you wish. it turns out that this guy that at some moment of weakness i took for smart and accepted as a pal had decided, albeit being fluent more than enough in english, to install ed in spanish. yes, he has some pelotas indeed. and if you think frontier's obnoxious way of naming silly gadgets and gimmicks is stupid you have no clue, you can't even start to imagine, how that aberration translates into a language that is suited to write a medieval prodigy like don quijote de la mancha, with exceptional beauty and style but ... it's still don quijote, right? it's ... it's ... it's just linguistically mean, cruel and ruthless. i should know because i'm actually still listed as a member of the volunteer translation group that in an astonsihing act of selflesness and generosity grinded though that utter gibberish to produce something barely in condition for their compatriots to barely use, and at that time i didn't manage to assemble the courage and guts to contribute even one single word in that translation. nada. think of the naked miners in the chernobyl series to just get a visual impression of this ordeal. it was much worse, and i wasn't. so as my pal started to recite the crap from his module panel in that vernacular form i just ... clicked. this was just too much. pal, i will push you up any cliff, over and over, i will go with you to the rim and back, i will even die (as in rebuy!) for you, over and over. but this you are asking of me is too much. no, you can't. not once. just. shut. up. scanners are your problem. we now go to see asteroids and you never ever utter a single word about this again, and basta. okay? okay?????
yeah, it was okay for him. he's actually a very nice, easy going guy. and we enjoyed drifting through the ghostly mist between the icy asteroids lalala. sheeesh! however, time flies in the galaxy, with all the fiddling several hours had passed and it was getting late and we were already quite tired so we soon decided it was a good moment to call it a day.
but then i had this crazy, after hours idea.
well, actually we weren't. turns out that after several mandatory disconnects, spending some time daftly looking at each other in the cockpit (he actually has a spot on holome thinigy!) and lots of fiddling around ... we couldn't for the life of us figure out how he could operate those turreted multis, despite being listed as a certified and authorized gunner. maybe something went lost in translation, or maybe we were just not smart enough, which now that i think of it is actually a more likely possiblity. actually, i later realized, that for getting the turrets to roll you actually need a target. i mean i later remembered, because i very well knew that already. don't ask, more on this later.
anyway that wouldn't stop our determination to blow something up and make proper use of that precious extra pip, and my pal could always pilot the taipan which was on the program anyway. which he did, and even managed to dock once. after trying several times upside down, that is. so there we went, fearless, right into the fray in some random uss (no swearing intended) and made short work of some petty pythons assaulting some innocent blablabla or such, me at the helm and my pal delivering death with the taipan. at least until it was destroyed when system authorities suddenly turned against us which was most likely my fault because it turns out i'm the kind of idiot that goes right into a mixed bunch of ships with all turrets ablaze without the slightest idea about the fine art of firing turrets. yep, after five years. so we were now wanted. but ... nooooo, that wasn't the gank! and you'll have to wait no more for it!
because we simply jumped out from there without a worry in this world.
and there's where me, cmdr znôrt speaking to you, an elite veteran, after five years of patronizing noobs in this very forum about awareness and supercruise-fu and whatnot and delivering git-gud-in-open instructional links, duly made every single mistake that can possibly be made, while having a freshman pilot on board and under my care. and i mean every single one of them, full house, for utter shame and humiliation never to be washed away. check this out:
i'm going to try and contact the cmdr who humiliated me, he has several gank videos on youtube and i hope he recorded this one too and is willing to upload a specially salted version for public mockery which i would like to add to this post for the record.
oh, and btw, i have an anaconda for sale. cheap! it just has few rebuys. except ... it has "shame" written in bright letters all over the hull, i don't think it can be rubbed away but i guess ... with one of those iridiscent or chrome paintjobs? maybe? dunno ... okay, okay, i get it.
he called me up the day before yesterday. maybe it was the day before that? anyway, he hadn't been playing for a long while and was feeling that unforgiving itch we all know all to well. but he wanted to do so in vr and, overwhelmed with all the different offers and opinions, wanted some suggestions.
- "pal, with your graphics card and the state the market is right now, you will be better of just getting a second hand vive or rift which will be really cheap, will give you very much the basic experience and you'll see from there. you're welcome to crash at my place anytime and have a go, but be warned, i do have life fancying substances aplenty but no ac and it's now a bit too hot to put that crap over your face for any significant amount of time even with any amount of those".
i must have sound very convincing at first, because he seems to have ignored the rest of the message. a couple hours later he already had contacted some guy, driven off, struck a deal and got back home with a second hand rift, then sorted out everything needed to have a first glimpse of ed in vr.
i had been itching aswell but this amounted to a direct provocation so, crushing heat and all, next day it was of course just natural to spend some time together in virtual reality (as a way of speaking, like there could exist of some form of reality that isn't virtual in the end, but you get me, right?). and a good time we had! with ganking and all! but let's not rush it ... will you please let me waste a bit more of your useless time with this story? come on! where are your manners? don't act like your time were so precious and you had something utterly important to do right now! what else would you be doing on an internet forum in the first place?
turns out in his several months of play he hadn't really figured out what kind of game elite really is at its core, so he plays strictly and chivalryly in open (yes, chivalryly, that's a word i just made up, so what? all words were made up at some point. you just witnessed the birth of a word. mark this day, stop making a fuss and keep reading). of course i obliged. mainly because we would have had a hard time meeting in solo (frontier pls fix already!!!) and priv group is exactly the same crap as open but without the extra spice, so it actually made a lot of sense. ha! and you thought noobs were dumb!
i suggested we use the in-game comms, which are cool as hell, instead of skype or discord, and it took us only 3 attempts and 2 disconnects to get linked up. sweet! now that we can communicate in our 70s futuristic set spacey cockpits, let's talk out what to do! he was a bit unsure and asked me to guide. and i knew. oh, i knew all too well!
- "do you have an srv, buddy? because we are going straight to a planet and take out our srvs over some cliff and you are going to literally in your pants. wait for it. so where are you?"
- "u... do .... baaaa... go"
- "but, but, ... how? what???"
- "nah, don't worry, that's just your silly tactical paintjob. i got you, buddy!".
well, actually we weren't. he didn't even realize i had rammed him. after much confusion and several unmasked swear words adorned by static noise and occasional blips we figured out he wasn't actually seeing me. my srv, that is. he was baffled. sigh, poor sod still believes this is a proper multiplayer game.
- "but ... but ... how is this possible?"
- "no probleeeeeemo! hang on, i still got you, buddy!"
- "do you see me now?".
- "yeeeeeeessssss!!!"
well, actually we weren't. turns out his srv controls were all screwed up and not working anymore. i know for sure they worked once because he somehow had gathered some basic planetary mats for very basic engineering.
- "go figure (cough), that tactical paintjob has really nasty side effects, dude. but don't worry, just check your bindings quick"
after much effort he managed to ... go straight forward, and straight backward. hey, that's undeniably a good start! i told him to take a deep breath, then another even deeper breath, then take his time and sort it out. baby steps will get you anywhere! while he patiently went through option after option i just went nuts jumping down the cliff. and up. and down. and up. aaaand down. and up! srvtastic gymnastics! can't deny i had my fun
- "but ... but ... how is this possible?"
- "ehhhhh... never mind, man! come here! come see this spectacular view! watch that impressive ringed gas giant just going down behind the canyon!"
- "waaaaaaaaaaa ..."
and it was while travelling in supercruise where the real shock hit me. noooo, not the gank. you'll have to wait just a bit more for that!
no, it was much, much worse. inenarrably worse. my pal just decided out of the blue that it was a good moment to, wait for it ... scan some stuff! and i guess he hadn't been playing since before the fss (no swearing intended). know what i mean? no, you don't. you know nothing. this isn't the regular trauma of a human confronting the utterly silly mess of scanning controls and modes someone at frontier produced out of some of the holes of his heavily drunk anatomy. no. if that were the case, well i would have cursed him to oblivion and back but still would have tried, at least tried, to help him out, give him some vague pointers at least. you wish. it turns out that this guy that at some moment of weakness i took for smart and accepted as a pal had decided, albeit being fluent more than enough in english, to install ed in spanish. yes, he has some pelotas indeed. and if you think frontier's obnoxious way of naming silly gadgets and gimmicks is stupid you have no clue, you can't even start to imagine, how that aberration translates into a language that is suited to write a medieval prodigy like don quijote de la mancha, with exceptional beauty and style but ... it's still don quijote, right? it's ... it's ... it's just linguistically mean, cruel and ruthless. i should know because i'm actually still listed as a member of the volunteer translation group that in an astonsihing act of selflesness and generosity grinded though that utter gibberish to produce something barely in condition for their compatriots to barely use, and at that time i didn't manage to assemble the courage and guts to contribute even one single word in that translation. nada. think of the naked miners in the chernobyl series to just get a visual impression of this ordeal. it was much worse, and i wasn't. so as my pal started to recite the crap from his module panel in that vernacular form i just ... clicked. this was just too much. pal, i will push you up any cliff, over and over, i will go with you to the rim and back, i will even die (as in rebuy!) for you, over and over. but this you are asking of me is too much. no, you can't. not once. just. shut. up. scanners are your problem. we now go to see asteroids and you never ever utter a single word about this again, and basta. okay? okay?????yeah, it was okay for him. he's actually a very nice, easy going guy. and we enjoyed drifting through the ghostly mist between the icy asteroids lalala. sheeesh! however, time flies in the galaxy, with all the fiddling several hours had passed and it was getting late and we were already quite tired so we soon decided it was a good moment to call it a day.
but then i had this crazy, after hours idea.
- "hey, i actually have a conda. you ever been in one? let's try multicrew!"
- "wow, coool!"
well, actually we weren't. turns out that after several mandatory disconnects, spending some time daftly looking at each other in the cockpit (he actually has a spot on holome thinigy!) and lots of fiddling around ... we couldn't for the life of us figure out how he could operate those turreted multis, despite being listed as a certified and authorized gunner. maybe something went lost in translation, or maybe we were just not smart enough, which now that i think of it is actually a more likely possiblity. actually, i later realized, that for getting the turrets to roll you actually need a target. i mean i later remembered, because i very well knew that already. don't ask, more on this later.
anyway that wouldn't stop our determination to blow something up and make proper use of that precious extra pip, and my pal could always pilot the taipan which was on the program anyway. which he did, and even managed to dock once. after trying several times upside down, that is. so there we went, fearless, right into the fray in some random uss (no swearing intended) and made short work of some petty pythons assaulting some innocent blablabla or such, me at the helm and my pal delivering death with the taipan. at least until it was destroyed when system authorities suddenly turned against us which was most likely my fault because it turns out i'm the kind of idiot that goes right into a mixed bunch of ships with all turrets ablaze without the slightest idea about the fine art of firing turrets. yep, after five years. so we were now wanted. but ... nooooo, that wasn't the gank! and you'll have to wait no more for it!
because we simply jumped out from there without a worry in this world.
and there's where me, cmdr znôrt speaking to you, an elite veteran, after five years of patronizing noobs in this very forum about awareness and supercruise-fu and whatnot and delivering git-gud-in-open instructional links, duly made every single mistake that can possibly be made, while having a freshman pilot on board and under my care. and i mean every single one of them, full house, for utter shame and humiliation never to be washed away. check this out:
- i flew straight away to shin to dock and happily call it a day, like i would have been even able to dock there without being scanned while being wanted, in a conda which i have no clue how to fly, let alone boost through the slot. at jameson's no less.
- while i looked out for hollow squares, i missed one. just one! the one behind me.
- while i fought the interdiction just for the giggles, i submitted late.
- i didn't even think of high-waking, and of course had no system readily selected because, you know, that's trivial to do
- i somehow imagined i could troll evade a pvp fdl in a stock conda, while duly eating a dumb grom missile
- and to add insult to shame, if at all possible, and it is, i just hit silent running instead of scb, forfeiting my crappy stock shield, like it would have made any differnce but just to underline what kind of a moron was just about to die together with his astonished pal in that coffin
- only god knows, if there is one, how i made it back to shin from the detention center i was rightfully thrown in. my only explanation is that my misery was so evident and heartbreaking that even the meanest and soulless ganker around would have pitied me
i'm going to try and contact the cmdr who humiliated me, he has several gank videos on youtube and i hope he recorded this one too and is willing to upload a specially salted version for public mockery which i would like to add to this post for the record.
oh, and btw, i have an anaconda for sale. cheap! it just has few rebuys. except ... it has "shame" written in bright letters all over the hull, i don't think it can be rubbed away but i guess ... with one of those iridiscent or chrome paintjobs? maybe? dunno ... okay, okay, i get it.
