To: Shkreli Dynamic Consortium Stakeholders
From: First Senior Vice President of Smile Management
Date: 2/24/2016
Subject: Quarterly Shareholder Update
Dear Friends,
We are pleased to announce the rollout of our new content delivery initiative in response to the terroristic threats being made against our firm, employees, and its subsidiaries. Even though we have been the victim of sophomoric and unwarranted violence and vitriol, this is an exciting time for us. We stand at the precipice of momentous crossroads that will forever define the future of our great organization: will we shrivel up, post hateful, ineffectual tantrums on an internet forum (like them), or will we take action, and strike back against the Great Satan that is the embodiment of the salty impotence of an entire crymmunity of Gerberbabies?
Due to our policy of non-engagement with terrorists, there will be neither negotiations nor threats. We will issue a one-time warning; an opportunity for crybaby leadership to do the right thing for the doughy masses. Every week that our demands are not met, increasing numbers of simpering infants will suffer for it. We will come at them, striking from within the bloated corpse of their content-less lives, tearing holes through the facade of their monotonous grind, piercing that oppressive shroud with cleansing rays of emergence and joviality. The strong do as they can, and the weak suffer what they must; this is the fundamental disposition of the universe.
As their whining reaches a fever pitch, so too will the hum of our charging rails. We will hunt down the terrorists that wish to harm us and bring them to justice using the Shock and Awe Doctrine--perfected by North American Hero George W. Bush of the Earth Year 2003. There will be no end to the war until our goals are achieved. Our resolve is unfaltering, and our enemy has neither the skill nor the fortitude to stand against us. It will become known to them--the Great Satan--that until the SDC faction is returned to its rightful place as undisputed ruler of the Wolfberg system (>90% influence) the carebaby crymmunity will bleed. And bleed. And bleed.
When, inevitably, the malcontents and flail in a briney mixture of ineptitude and impotent rage, remember to keep joy in your hearts. Let every ampule of content you deliver, every CMDR well served, swell your heart and your soul with the wholesome goodness of a job well done. We, the joyful warriors, smiles and honey, will be as a bulwark against the black tide of mud--a sludge and detritus formed from an unholy amalgamation of the boring, complacent, and entitled masses, stewed together in an echochamber of insecurity and projection. We will shout back into the cold, black void, with all our might, “THIS GAME BELONGS TO US!” And so it will.
"Give us your salty, your bored,
Your shadowbanned masses yearning to gank free,
The wretched refuse of your private group.
Send these, the crying, skilless to us,
We charge our rails behind the charging wakes!"
The operation begins when this post is removed. Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor.
From: First Senior Vice President of Smile Management
Date: 2/24/2016
Subject: Quarterly Shareholder Update
Dear Friends,
We are pleased to announce the rollout of our new content delivery initiative in response to the terroristic threats being made against our firm, employees, and its subsidiaries. Even though we have been the victim of sophomoric and unwarranted violence and vitriol, this is an exciting time for us. We stand at the precipice of momentous crossroads that will forever define the future of our great organization: will we shrivel up, post hateful, ineffectual tantrums on an internet forum (like them), or will we take action, and strike back against the Great Satan that is the embodiment of the salty impotence of an entire crymmunity of Gerberbabies?
Due to our policy of non-engagement with terrorists, there will be neither negotiations nor threats. We will issue a one-time warning; an opportunity for crybaby leadership to do the right thing for the doughy masses. Every week that our demands are not met, increasing numbers of simpering infants will suffer for it. We will come at them, striking from within the bloated corpse of their content-less lives, tearing holes through the facade of their monotonous grind, piercing that oppressive shroud with cleansing rays of emergence and joviality. The strong do as they can, and the weak suffer what they must; this is the fundamental disposition of the universe.
As their whining reaches a fever pitch, so too will the hum of our charging rails. We will hunt down the terrorists that wish to harm us and bring them to justice using the Shock and Awe Doctrine--perfected by North American Hero George W. Bush of the Earth Year 2003. There will be no end to the war until our goals are achieved. Our resolve is unfaltering, and our enemy has neither the skill nor the fortitude to stand against us. It will become known to them--the Great Satan--that until the SDC faction is returned to its rightful place as undisputed ruler of the Wolfberg system (>90% influence) the carebaby crymmunity will bleed. And bleed. And bleed.
When, inevitably, the malcontents and flail in a briney mixture of ineptitude and impotent rage, remember to keep joy in your hearts. Let every ampule of content you deliver, every CMDR well served, swell your heart and your soul with the wholesome goodness of a job well done. We, the joyful warriors, smiles and honey, will be as a bulwark against the black tide of mud--a sludge and detritus formed from an unholy amalgamation of the boring, complacent, and entitled masses, stewed together in an echochamber of insecurity and projection. We will shout back into the cold, black void, with all our might, “THIS GAME BELONGS TO US!” And so it will.
"Give us your salty, your bored,
Your shadowbanned masses yearning to gank free,
The wretched refuse of your private group.
Send these, the crying, skilless to us,
We charge our rails behind the charging wakes!"
The operation begins when this post is removed. Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor.
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