Tales from an alternate universe

'Seriously?This is the best you can come up with?'
Glumly he studied his image in the full length mirror, the once steely glare of ice blue now paled to the pewter glint of a dull butterknife.
'It's the only way we can get you onto the moonlet without being noticed.As you know,Satyr surrounds himself with a bevy of lovelies and no men are allowed.If you went as yourself,you'd stick out a mile.'
'Yes,but fake novelty bleasts?'
'Be careful with those!They're not easy to come by in this part of the galaxy.'
'Not standard issue,then?'
'Oh no,these are for your guise only.Now stand still whilst i adjust the voice modulater.'
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'No time like the present,' yelled R.P., ducking to avoid the furious beams of coherent light that flashed and sparkled around his hastily withdrawn head.He patted his jacket pockets searching for his final round,the one that would deal a bodyblow to the gang of murderous thugs intent on his demise.
'Time's up, old man.Might as well give it up and come out.You ain't got nowhere left to go.'
He sighed and shook his head sadly at the sorry lack of education evidenced by this latest statement as he thrust the round into the chamber of his adapted Antana Classic 5.
Brickdust spattered down on him as the barrage slackened off, and he risked a peek around the side of his hiding place.Shadows flickered through the fog,backlit by the harsh lights of the landing pad beyond,and soon the alleyway was filled with the shapes of his supposed executioners.
He waited until they were far enough into the alley before raising his weapon.With a dull -pfft- the polyptoton arced into the air,tumbling end over end in a lazy parabola before splitting apart, the fragments resolving into word play of such tortuous ferocity that within seconds the gang lay twitching at his feet,hands desperately clutching aching sides and bleeding ears in a futile attempt to stem the tide of mangled words and distorted phrases that threatened their very sanity.
He reholstered his weapon,the movement briefly exposing the badge on his belt that attested to his official Department of Vocal Purity status.Standing over the distraught bodies of his assailants,still jerking as the occasional flash of sparkling wit discharged into the bodys neural pathway,he gazed down impassively.
'If you'd stayed in school you'd know that it's no fun without pun.'
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