Title: Ejecting all Eject All
Location: Galnet
Time: mid-October (release of Guardians)
Description:
Over the past few years, it has become increasingly standard practice among experienced pilots to entirely remove the emergency cargo flush lever (affectionately known as the 'ejectal lever') from its standard position alongside the lever for raising and lowering the landing gear.
"I don't know who came up with the idea originally," said one commander who wishes to remain anonymous, "but they were idiots. Pure and simple. I think it was something to do with one of the first popular cheap freighter designs having it and then all ship manufacturers following it because of tradition or 'because it's always been done that way', or some other moronic reason. I don't really know, don't quote me. I don't know the history."
However, with the increasing presence of unlicensed engineers operating in various parts of inhabited space, the practice has become almost universal. It is now considered one of the first things even new pilots should do after buying a new ship - it has even been included in several unofficial new pilot training manuals.
This all came to a head when a number of criminal profiteers began taking re-conditioned second-hand ships, removing the ejectal levers, and then re-selling them illegally with the advertisement that they were brand-new ships with 'the factory defect corrected at no extra cost'. This caused consternation among all ship manufacturers when it was discovered that such ships were outselling factory models by a large margin.
Today, joint spokespeople for all the major ship manufacturers came together and issued a statement. "We would like to announce that henceforward, the archaic practice of installing an emergency cargo flush lever beside the landing gear controls has become a thing of the past. It has been decided this design choice is not optimal, after carefully considering feedback from a large proportion of our valued customers. True, it has been a standard of ship design for many centuries, but we like to think that we have listened and reacted in a timely way once a need was shown. We would also like to reassure pilots who prefer the old layout that they can have the lever reinstalled before purchase or at any time afterwards, if they so wish, and at no extra cost."
Reactions to the announcement were almost entirely positive, not only from pilots, but from station services crew, who have often been required to clean up after accidents involving emergency cargo flushes inside stations.
"We had to clean up one hundred tons of jettisoned fish from the inside of Chango Dock one time," said a station services representative from the iBootis system. "About half the containers ruptured. You think the low-paid temps we had to call in to help did a thorough job? There were dead fish wedged into practically every crevice in the docking area, and we didn't have time to find every last one - we're an operating port. The place stank of rotting seafood for three weeks. Though actually, you get used to that smell if you're from iBootis."
CMDR Jynessa Loraeyn