Two Commanders Walk into a Bar…
Commander Leering:
“Dude, did you get any last night?”
Commander Jeering:
“Totally. It was great.”
Commander Leering:
“Awesome – don’t just leave me hangin bro, tell me about it.”
Commander Jeering:
“Yeah so I was totally bored, you know, there’s nothing goin on so I drove down to Eravate to check out the new meat.”
Commander Leering:
“What were you cruising in?”
Commander Jeering:
“Stupid question n00b – my Corvette obvi, chicks dig the Corvette.”
Commander Leering:
“Cool your thermal shock there dude, just trying to get the juicy details you know.”
Commander Jeering:
“Don’t worry about it dude, I posted it on youtube if I forget anything. How else could she relive the amazing glory of Commander Jeering over and over?”
Commander Leering:
“OK man, get down to it – or is this another ‘I had her but she hi-waked away’ or a ‘stupid cheater c-logged’ story’ ?”
Commander Jeering:
“No man this is the real deal. There she was sliding out of the slot, petite you know – a little Hauler. Not like totally new but you know – Mostly Harmless.”
Commander Leering:
“You’re biowasting me man, I thought every new Inara license came with a Mobius membership.”
Commander Leering:
“Yeah well this one did have long enough space legs to walk down to the Forum Bar and find out about guys like me HA HA HA HA!”
Commander Jeering:
“Go on, was she you know - fast? Did you give her a little bump just to let her know you were interested?”
Commander Leering:
“Nah, I wanted to take my time. You know I’m like a wolf stalking my prey. She’s my prey – I want her to know it’s me when I finish her. She needs to know that I own this space – I say who comes and goes you know.”
Commander Jeering:
“Ok ok, I get it. You want to give her the big interdDICtion first. You are the man!”
Commander Leering:
“Yeah, so I scan her little wake and follow her to this “high security” system. – I think ‘Cool, I can have an audience when I do this to her’.”
Commander Jeering:
“Cops, that’s funny. ‘A crime has been committed – blah , blah , stay still and let me scan you blah, blah’ – those guys just like to watch.”
Commander Leering:
“Yeah they’re real sickos. I’ve been doing this biowaste for years – and maybe you get like a fine or something. Drop em’ a sidey and all is forgiven. Hell, what are they going to do, take away my parking space – there’s like 20,000 of them you know. They’re a joke. Damn – that’s IF they show up. In space – no one can hear you scream you know. HA HA HA HA! Stupid cops.”
Commander Jeering:
“All right, all right so you tracked her down, aaaaand…”
Commander Leering:
“So, I interDICt her, and she fights it.”
Commander Jeering:
“Oh – my – Gawd. She FIGHTS it?? Oh, she’s totally asking for it then. She WANTS you to do it to her. EVERYONE knows you’re supposed to drop down like you’re going to take it and then run. Jeez she really was young, wasn’t she? Yeah – she totally deserved it”
Commander Leering:
“We both know how it goes right? She loses – I can see her little hauler spinning and spinning. She’s dancing there and I’m really hot for her you know.”
Commander Jeering:
“So did you give her a dose of Scramble Spectrum to soften her up, or maybe a little Thermal Shock to lift up her skirt?”
Commander Leering:
“Ha Ha Ha Ha! That’s the best part! She didn’t even have ANY shields man. Normally I’d put a little Containment Missile in her drink – you know – make her dizzy and slow so she can’t run. But I ain’t gonna waste it on someone so obviously desperate to get done by someone like me.”
Commander Jeering:
“This just gets better and better. Did she have anything to say?”
Commander Leering:
“ You know I like to talk my time man. I ain’t now “Wham bam thank you ma’am” kind of dude.”
Commander Jeering:
“And what did she say?”
Commander Leering:
“The usual. ‘Why are you doing this? You can have all of my cargo. I just started. Wait… Blah Blah Blah’ . They can be so annoying you know. I just pretend to listen. Girls like that, makes em’ think you’re sensitive you know – right up until you do them.”
Commander Jeering:
“So how did you stop her?”
Commander Leering:
“I pulled out my big fat G5 Gawd powered Super Penetrator rail gun and gave her a hot load right through her jiggle physics thrusters. Sometimes they can’t take my Super Penetrator you know, and they pop right there.”
Commander Jeering:
“Ha – nice. I’m an advanced plasma man myself – just love that ‘pew – pew’ sound when you smack em’ on the stern.”
Commander Leering:
“So she’s sitting there sighing and puffing, little fire coming out. Sort of sliding around on the black velvet. She’s ready you know. Flying around all out in the Open. No shields. Not really paying attention. She wants this. They all really want this when the act like this. She’s asking for it. I’m the guy to give it to her.”
Commander Jeering:
“How did you finally do it to her?”
Commander Leering:
“Oh - it was epic. I unleashed about a hundred Packhounds that swarmed all over her – it was a huge load. Insane really. Satisfying. I got mine – and I think she got hers – well she definitely did you know.”
Commander Jeering:
“You are the man. Any last gasp?”
Commander Leering:
“The usual. ‘You’re such an A-hat. Blah blah.’ This is all FDEV approved you know – no harm no foul. Don’t know why they get all salty – but you know you did it right when they do. I hear there’s like a station on fire – I think I’ll go there next.”
Commander Jeering:
“Gawd that’s great. Can you send me the link?”
