Picard (walking around the bridge) : Anything, Data?
Data: No Sir. But, I am detecting structural damage to the textile flooring on the Bridge.
Picard (stops walking): I'm wearing out the carpet?
Data: Yes, Sir.
Worf: Captain, we have been orbiting this world for 13 hours!!
Picard: If required, Mr. Worf, we will orbit this Ammonia world for another 13 hours! We've already obtained an Unknown Artefact and we will find an Unknown Probe, and then we will unlock the secrets of these aliens. Is that clear?
Worf: Yes Sir.
Picard: These 'Thargoids' have attacked Federation Starships without provocation. We need to learn everything about them. If the Cannon Database is correct-
La Forge: And it is, Captain. Those guys unlock alien mysteries faster than they open packets of biscuits.
Picard: -Then one or more probes are in the vicinity.
Riker: Perhaps their cloaked.
Ro (rolls her eyes, talks to herself): Oh Prophets, not this cloaked nonsense again.
Picard: Cloaked Unknown Probes? How do you know their cloaked, Number One?
Riker: How should I know? Their called Unknown Probes!
Troi: Regardless, we could do with finding one to learn more about these Thargoids. We could learn much about their culture, their motivations.
Crusher: Their health-care system and if they can afford one.
Ro: Their starcharts.
La Forge: Their frame-shift technology.
Troi: Their chocolate.
Worf: And their modules. Especially which ones are vulnerable to Gre'Thor.
Riker: Gre'Thor?
Worf: That is where the dishonoured go when they die. Its also the name of the Grade 5 overpowered Fragment Cannon I had installed last week. The Thargoids have no honour, and when they get within 500 meters of this vessel, Gre'Thor will send them to where they truly belong!!
Riker: Ooooookk.
Ro (quietly, at helm next to Data) : Data, looking for this probe is driving me insane. I swear to the Prophets I will have your half-Bajorian, half-Android baby if you find a Unknown Probe in the next 5 min-
Data: Unknown Signal Source Detected!
Ro: Whoa! You know I was joking right??
Picard: Scan it, Data! And pray to RNGeus everyone!
Data: Degraded Emissions.....
The sound of a pin dropping is heard as everyone waits on Data to finish his sentence...
Data: .....Threat 2! Threat 2!
Party on the Bridge! Worf and Riker five-high each other. Picard does a fist-bump. Troi is overcome with emotions of relief from the crew. La Forge activates 'Party Protocol' and music blasts out on the bridge. Crusher breaks out the brandy. Data activates his emotion chip. Ro is concerned.
Data: Praise RNGeus!
Ro: Data, about what I said, I was joking. You know that right?
Data (sighs): Accessing internal calender. Deleting meeting at your quarters for 20.00 hours.
Picard: Ok everyone, settle down. La Forge, deactivate Party Protocol. Beverly, pack away the Brandy. Data, scoop up the Probe into a suitable cargo rack and set course for...La Forge?
La Forge: Accessing Cannon Database......try HIP 14909.
30 minutes later
Ro: Unknown Structure Detected, Captain. I'm putting us in orbit.
Picard: Put the Unknown Structure on screen.
La Forge: Look at the size of that thing!
Data: I'm not detecting any surface defences, but there's no way to be sure.
Worf (disgusted): Even their bases have no honour.
Riker: We have to go down there.
Picard: Agreed. Someone needs to drive a SRV into that structure. Our information indicates that access is granted to those carrying an Unknown Probe or Unknown Artefact. Who ever goes in there should take both to be sure.
Riker: Unknown Probe. Unknown Artefact. Unknown Structure. Sounds dangerous.
Picard: Agreed.
Riker: Both the Probe and Artefact are highly toxic and will damage the SRVs systems, and perhaps the SRV driver as well.
Picard: Agreed. Number One, you and Counsellor Troi......you weren't planning on having kids were you?
30 minutes later:
Picard: Report.
Data: Commander Riker is safely back on-board, with the SRV. He's on the way to the bridge.
The Turbolift doors open, Riker is in the lift but he doesn't step out, you can only see the left side of his face.
Picard: Commander?
And now Riker slowly turns his head towards Picard and the crew - bringing into full view an Unknown Organism on the right side of Riker's face! Riker walks out the lift and speaks to a horrified Bridge Crew:
Riker: I am Hemiptera, of Thargoid. Captain Picard, because your actions are those of a thoughtful human, I'll tell you this. Matters more urgent caused our absence. Now, witness the result. Human infestation everywhere! Human ships scooping our property! Human Commanders demanding our presence at Barnacles sites, whining when we don't show up, and when we do, they pose for the human obsession known as 'selfies'! Yes, we have indeed been negligent, Captain. No more. Mark my words, Protocol 2.4 will be activated. Your presence is not wanted. Do you understand my meaning, Human? We, have returned.
Everyone but Riker:
Riker laughs and then pulls of the fake plastic 'unknown organism' from his face.
Riker: Just kidding [haha]. You guys missed out on a great light show. I've captured it in 4K, wanna see it? I've got popcorn!
Data: No Sir. But, I am detecting structural damage to the textile flooring on the Bridge.
Picard (stops walking): I'm wearing out the carpet?
Data: Yes, Sir.
Worf: Captain, we have been orbiting this world for 13 hours!!
Picard: If required, Mr. Worf, we will orbit this Ammonia world for another 13 hours! We've already obtained an Unknown Artefact and we will find an Unknown Probe, and then we will unlock the secrets of these aliens. Is that clear?
Worf: Yes Sir.
Picard: These 'Thargoids' have attacked Federation Starships without provocation. We need to learn everything about them. If the Cannon Database is correct-
La Forge: And it is, Captain. Those guys unlock alien mysteries faster than they open packets of biscuits.
Picard: -Then one or more probes are in the vicinity.
Riker: Perhaps their cloaked.
Ro (rolls her eyes, talks to herself): Oh Prophets, not this cloaked nonsense again.
Picard: Cloaked Unknown Probes? How do you know their cloaked, Number One?
Riker: How should I know? Their called Unknown Probes!
Troi: Regardless, we could do with finding one to learn more about these Thargoids. We could learn much about their culture, their motivations.
Crusher: Their health-care system and if they can afford one.
Ro: Their starcharts.
La Forge: Their frame-shift technology.
Troi: Their chocolate.
Worf: And their modules. Especially which ones are vulnerable to Gre'Thor.
Riker: Gre'Thor?
Worf: That is where the dishonoured go when they die. Its also the name of the Grade 5 overpowered Fragment Cannon I had installed last week. The Thargoids have no honour, and when they get within 500 meters of this vessel, Gre'Thor will send them to where they truly belong!!
Riker: Ooooookk.
Ro (quietly, at helm next to Data) : Data, looking for this probe is driving me insane. I swear to the Prophets I will have your half-Bajorian, half-Android baby if you find a Unknown Probe in the next 5 min-
Data: Unknown Signal Source Detected!
Ro: Whoa! You know I was joking right??
Picard: Scan it, Data! And pray to RNGeus everyone!
Data: Degraded Emissions.....
The sound of a pin dropping is heard as everyone waits on Data to finish his sentence...
Data: .....Threat 2! Threat 2!
Party on the Bridge! Worf and Riker five-high each other. Picard does a fist-bump. Troi is overcome with emotions of relief from the crew. La Forge activates 'Party Protocol' and music blasts out on the bridge. Crusher breaks out the brandy. Data activates his emotion chip. Ro is concerned.
Data: Praise RNGeus!
Ro: Data, about what I said, I was joking. You know that right?
Data (sighs): Accessing internal calender. Deleting meeting at your quarters for 20.00 hours.
Picard: Ok everyone, settle down. La Forge, deactivate Party Protocol. Beverly, pack away the Brandy. Data, scoop up the Probe into a suitable cargo rack and set course for...La Forge?
La Forge: Accessing Cannon Database......try HIP 14909.
30 minutes later
Ro: Unknown Structure Detected, Captain. I'm putting us in orbit.
Picard: Put the Unknown Structure on screen.
La Forge: Look at the size of that thing!
Data: I'm not detecting any surface defences, but there's no way to be sure.
Worf (disgusted): Even their bases have no honour.
Riker: We have to go down there.
Picard: Agreed. Someone needs to drive a SRV into that structure. Our information indicates that access is granted to those carrying an Unknown Probe or Unknown Artefact. Who ever goes in there should take both to be sure.
Riker: Unknown Probe. Unknown Artefact. Unknown Structure. Sounds dangerous.
Picard: Agreed.
Riker: Both the Probe and Artefact are highly toxic and will damage the SRVs systems, and perhaps the SRV driver as well.
Picard: Agreed. Number One, you and Counsellor Troi......you weren't planning on having kids were you?
30 minutes later:
Picard: Report.
Data: Commander Riker is safely back on-board, with the SRV. He's on the way to the bridge.
The Turbolift doors open, Riker is in the lift but he doesn't step out, you can only see the left side of his face.
Picard: Commander?
And now Riker slowly turns his head towards Picard and the crew - bringing into full view an Unknown Organism on the right side of Riker's face! Riker walks out the lift and speaks to a horrified Bridge Crew:
Riker: I am Hemiptera, of Thargoid. Captain Picard, because your actions are those of a thoughtful human, I'll tell you this. Matters more urgent caused our absence. Now, witness the result. Human infestation everywhere! Human ships scooping our property! Human Commanders demanding our presence at Barnacles sites, whining when we don't show up, and when we do, they pose for the human obsession known as 'selfies'! Yes, we have indeed been negligent, Captain. No more. Mark my words, Protocol 2.4 will be activated. Your presence is not wanted. Do you understand my meaning, Human? We, have returned.
Everyone but Riker:
Riker laughs and then pulls of the fake plastic 'unknown organism' from his face.
Riker: Just kidding [haha]. You guys missed out on a great light show. I've captured it in 4K, wanna see it? I've got popcorn!
