Greetings Commanders!
Cease your wailing and tears, I'm back! As reality continues its slow decline into oblivion, it's time to take another look at what's been going on in the Universe!
EMPIRE DISMISSES CALLS FOR AEGIS RETURN - 31 October
Whilst annihilation of the entire human race continues to rear its head, the Empire has suggested the only sensible course of action: Completely ignoring anyone offering help or forming any sort of combined force. The new plan is instead to soldier on doing the same thing as usual but with an even stiffer upper lip!. "The last thing the enemy will expect is if we do exactly what we've done several times before!" said one individual who looked a bit like Stephen Fry.
COUNCIL OF ADMIRALS DIVIDED OVER UNIFIED FLEET - 1 November
The superpowers have gotten together and decided it would be much more sporting if we made things considerably easier for the Thargoids. They have decided on a firm course of steadfastly ignoring talking to each other or bringing back anything that might be the least bit helpful, you know, like some organisation specifically designed to fight the Thargoids. If such a thing existed it would be a real shield/armour/Aegis against the xenocalypse. The Thargoids have responded with incomprehensible screeches, which we can only assume mean "Great job chaps!".
PEACE WITH THE THARGOIDS? - 2 November
As various admirals and fleet commanders go "So did everyone remember to bring the extra large gun?" the galaxy has seen a surge in people going "Actually, I've only brought an olive branch, can we try hitting them with that?". Yes, lots of well intentioned individuals have flocked to the announcement boards to say "Hey, lets try hugs not thugs" and "Flowers, not superpowers" as potential solutions to the rising scale of intergalactic genocide. The people with the really big weapons have reportedly not been very responsive to the idea as that would require stabbing things less and everyone gets cranky without an early morning murder.
AZIMUTH TO EXPAND OPERATIONAL ASSETS - 3 November
"Hey! We're still here!" shouts controversial science corporation Azimuth Biotech. That's right, from the people that brought you "Messing around with human DNA" and "Oh god, oh god aliens are going to kill us all" comes "Lets make ourselves extra unpopular by forcing our way into a new location". Yes, under the guise of "Doing it for our fans" Azimuth Biotech is looking to set up a bunch of outposts to continue their "scientific" endeavours. Opponents have responded with "Are you taking the p right now?" and have called for available pilots to go and shoot all their ships down so they take a hint. They're also offering some sparkling multi-cannons as incentive. As a counter to that Azimuth has taken to waving a permit around and a pretty plasma charger at pilots to help them instead. Will this spell disaster for Azimuth or is the morally grey corporation due a break? Tune in next time on "Who can I trust anyway" live across the galaxy, every single day.
DESTINATION: HUMANITY - 4 November
Praise be unto the giant wibbly things! Scientists have discovered that the rogue signal sources are heading to the core systems! Humanity must be ecstatic to be greeted in person by the giant unknown things that put out way too much energy. Celestial messiah's come to impart their vast knowledge? Glorious deities here to wisp us away to paradise? Surely they can only be the benevolent saviours humanity needs!
Oh you're still awake? Well that's awkward as that's it for this week. Go forth red liquid filled meatsuit controlled by grey matter in a calcium shell and enforce your will on the universe. We'll be back next Friday as we stare blankly at the smoldering fires of civilisation and try to figure out where humanity went wrong.
Cease your wailing and tears, I'm back! As reality continues its slow decline into oblivion, it's time to take another look at what's been going on in the Universe!
EMPIRE DISMISSES CALLS FOR AEGIS RETURN - 31 October
Whilst annihilation of the entire human race continues to rear its head, the Empire has suggested the only sensible course of action: Completely ignoring anyone offering help or forming any sort of combined force. The new plan is instead to soldier on doing the same thing as usual but with an even stiffer upper lip!. "The last thing the enemy will expect is if we do exactly what we've done several times before!" said one individual who looked a bit like Stephen Fry.
COUNCIL OF ADMIRALS DIVIDED OVER UNIFIED FLEET - 1 November
The superpowers have gotten together and decided it would be much more sporting if we made things considerably easier for the Thargoids. They have decided on a firm course of steadfastly ignoring talking to each other or bringing back anything that might be the least bit helpful, you know, like some organisation specifically designed to fight the Thargoids. If such a thing existed it would be a real shield/armour/Aegis against the xenocalypse. The Thargoids have responded with incomprehensible screeches, which we can only assume mean "Great job chaps!".
PEACE WITH THE THARGOIDS? - 2 November
As various admirals and fleet commanders go "So did everyone remember to bring the extra large gun?" the galaxy has seen a surge in people going "Actually, I've only brought an olive branch, can we try hitting them with that?". Yes, lots of well intentioned individuals have flocked to the announcement boards to say "Hey, lets try hugs not thugs" and "Flowers, not superpowers" as potential solutions to the rising scale of intergalactic genocide. The people with the really big weapons have reportedly not been very responsive to the idea as that would require stabbing things less and everyone gets cranky without an early morning murder.
AZIMUTH TO EXPAND OPERATIONAL ASSETS - 3 November
"Hey! We're still here!" shouts controversial science corporation Azimuth Biotech. That's right, from the people that brought you "Messing around with human DNA" and "Oh god, oh god aliens are going to kill us all" comes "Lets make ourselves extra unpopular by forcing our way into a new location". Yes, under the guise of "Doing it for our fans" Azimuth Biotech is looking to set up a bunch of outposts to continue their "scientific" endeavours. Opponents have responded with "Are you taking the p right now?" and have called for available pilots to go and shoot all their ships down so they take a hint. They're also offering some sparkling multi-cannons as incentive. As a counter to that Azimuth has taken to waving a permit around and a pretty plasma charger at pilots to help them instead. Will this spell disaster for Azimuth or is the morally grey corporation due a break? Tune in next time on "Who can I trust anyway" live across the galaxy, every single day.
DESTINATION: HUMANITY - 4 November
Praise be unto the giant wibbly things! Scientists have discovered that the rogue signal sources are heading to the core systems! Humanity must be ecstatic to be greeted in person by the giant unknown things that put out way too much energy. Celestial messiah's come to impart their vast knowledge? Glorious deities here to wisp us away to paradise? Surely they can only be the benevolent saviours humanity needs!
Oh you're still awake? Well that's awkward as that's it for this week. Go forth red liquid filled meatsuit controlled by grey matter in a calcium shell and enforce your will on the universe. We'll be back next Friday as we stare blankly at the smoldering fires of civilisation and try to figure out where humanity went wrong.
