Community Event / Creation A renewed beginning

brycec

B
Please be gentle.. this is my very first attempt to write a story, anyway this is what I have so far:

A renewed beginning

In an uncharted area of space the coriolis station turns, almost hidden, within the asteroid field. No lights or life emanate from the station, indeed it has seemingly been abandoned for hundreds of years. Empty bars, corridors and docking bays are flaked with dust except for one where an ancient looking cobra mark II sits in ancient and rusty looking docking clamps.
The cobra has seen better days, displaying laser burns and old hull breaches, patched and re-patched many times but it too sits empty and silent, layers of dust permeating every surface.
A med bay deep within the station hums quietly, a green light on a suspended animation machine blinks slowly, the only thing that suggests there is any life at all.
Suspended animations machines were all the rage of course, long before Shulth enterprises invented the nanobot and the cloning stations around tionisla where a traveller could, for vast sums of money, create a perfect clone, clear of disease and genetic impurity and store it for future use.
The suspended animation machine is similarly covered with years of dust and neglect, but for the flashing light you could be excused for thinking that it too was dead. The computer console next to the machine bursts into life...

Braben Enterprises system check.....
Check OK.....
SusAn V2 booting.....
Boot OK....
Life signs.... OK....
awaken procedure commencing....

The machine creaks and groans into life and if you could touch it you would feel heat and warmth as the system prepares to bring whatever or whomever it has been storing back to life.
Lights around the station start to blink into life as automated systems restart all around the station. The docking bay becomes a hive of activity as ancient robot arms swing around and start repairing and restoring the ship to life, it too lights up as power and systems come online.

Several hours later the cocoon door hisses open, gas and fluid escaping in equal measures as a computerised voice states: “Welcome back Commander”.
 
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Cmdr Andy B

Cmdr Andy B
nice if a bit wordy in places, I like how your establishing the atmosphere on the station but the station needn't be mentioned so much, once you have established your on the station the station itself can be implied rather than repeatedly stated that it's the station your on. <--self example

also uncharted brings up the question of how the station got there
I'd write the first bit something like this:


In an long abandoned system far from the trade lanes the Coriolis station slowly turns, it's dark battered hull betraying no signs of life from it's concealment within the asteroid field.

docking bays lay open, their rusty clamps reaching fingers upwards to grasp in vain at ships that once brought life to this forgotten place; where hundreds of trade ship used to reside all that can be found is one lonely Cobra Mk1 gathering dust in its cradle. like it's surroundings this ship has seen better days - the patched and re-patched hull showing scars of laser burns and hull breaches long since repaired and covered in an all prevailing layer of dust

Bars and corridors once home to the humble trader and merchant prince alike now find vermin to be their only clients

deep within a med bay the cryogenic unit hums quietly, its slow blinking green light the only sign of life among the dust covered consoles



you see how the progression works to eliminate the need to keep re-referencing the station? start outside then the docking bay followed by the corridors/bars and finally the med bay

that's what i'd do anyway I feel after that you go off on one about suspended animation being all the rage then being replaced by cloning but you don't give the reader any idea why this would be so - tbh i think that bit is superfluous and can be handled later in the story should the need arise

and I put Cobra Mk1 in mine as the mark 2 never made it into service according to elite lore
 
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