I have been nearly ready to quit over this stuff too. That said, it is possible with practise to get better at exploiting the lacklustre mechanics in order to avoid these inconveniences. Hang in there, try some different tactics, and it can start to be fun again. I get the impression you know all this already, but just in case anyone else might benefit, here's four bits of advice for hunting in Extraction Zones:
(1) Reducing the time spent in an engagement significantly reduces the danger of escalation. So I'd advise you to ditch anything that's going to slow you down. Get a fast ship: basically an Eagle or Viper. Kit it out for fast kills. Get some gimballed Beam Lasers to maximise damage during your target uptime. Most of the kinetic weapons are too spammy to use even as finishers in busy environments: only Railgun and Frag Cannon are viable, and only as long as you just save them for sure shots in the last 10%. Get close to your opponent and stay close. Cobras and Sidewinders will just melt.
(2) Maximise the time you can spend hunting before you have to go back to base. Get plenty of Shield Cells and use them liberally. Ditch everything you won't need: Scanner, Cargo. Replace with more Cells.
(3) Choose your targets carefully: inspect their faction and equipment before you start up on them, unless the cops are already engaged. Pirates will usually have Interdiction gear or Cargo Scanners. If you want to play safe, only assault ships with that kind of equipment.
(4) Lastly, choose your zone carefully. Find a system with the shortest possible distance between your hunting ground, an outpost to pay fines, and an orbital to claim bounties. A gas giant with a long day cycle is helpful, because hunting in the dark among the asteroids is, uh, sub-optimal.

Also use a system with a Hi-Tech economy so you can get your upgrades as you grind without having to travel. I'm presently using Ho Hsi.
That mix of careful selection of hunting ground and prey, with ferocity and speed in the engagement has worked out pretty well for me the last day or so. I've come around to the game again, I think.