General / Off-Topic Coping with the tragedy of a direly ill loved one.

[Deleted member 110222]

How do you guys do it, if you've been in my position?

My grandmother got taken to hospital again yesterday after suffering a second major stroke. I'm still in the dark because my mum has obviously been with her most of the time, and I haven't really seen anyone in the last 48 hours because I've been at home.

From what little I do know, my grandmother is now paralysed on one side, and my mum is looking at care home options, because my grandfather simply can't cope, and the last year or so, his health has deteriorated thanks to the huge workload he's faced.

Look, I'm not putting my head in the ground. I know what happens when people get old. But this is the first time I've actually had to confront this reality first hand.

So naturally, I'm really rather confused right now.

I post this here because I know you guys can be trusted to be sensible on your comments about serious issues.

 

[Jenner]

So sorry to hear that! That's awful.

As for coping, everyone is unique in the details of how they do it I suppose. I really have no advice to offer. I lost my mother when I was just out of college, and my best friend one year ago. Both to cancer. I know what it's like to have illness take out a loved one. It's painful.

 

[MottiKhan]

As far as coping, I'm not sure. I've just accepted the illnesses and loss of loved ones as a basic part of life. It's happened so many times. I've done what I could, but beyond visiting and trying to comfort them, I feel pretty powerless. I'm sure that's how you feel as well.

My condolences to you and your family.

 

[Deleted member 110222]

So sorry to hear that! That's awful.

As for coping, everyone is unique in the details of how they do it I suppose. I really have no advice to offer. I lost my mother when I was just out of college, and my best friend one year ago. Both to cancer. I know what it's like to have illness take out a loved one. It's painful.

What makes my grandmother's situation even worse is her dementia. I don't know if she knows what she is going through. Honestly, nasty as it is to say, kind of hope she doesn't. Ignorance is bliss and such.

Poor woman hasn't even been able to walk for years.

 

[Jenner]

What makes my grandmother's situation even worse is her dementia. I don't know if she knows what she is going through. Honestly, nasty as it is to say, kind of hope she doesn't. Ignorance is bliss and such.

Poor woman hasn't even been able to walk for years.

Yes, that's tragic.

My best friend struggled with endocrine cancer since he was 18. He spent the last half a year in a hospital bed.

Neither situation is something I would wish on anyone. I tell myself that at least now he (and my mother) don't have to suffer anymore.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

 

[Deleted member 110222]

Yes, that's tragic.

My best friend struggled with endocrine cancer since he was 18. He spent the last half a year in a hospital bed.

Neither situation is something I would wish on anyone. I tell myself that at least now he (and my mother) don't have to suffer anymore.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Thanks dude. Really appreciate it. It's really nasty. Like you say, would never wish it on anyone. It's just too cruel to imagine.

 

[Iskariot]

How do you guys do it, if you've been in my position?

My grandmother got taken to hospital again yesterday after suffering a second major stroke. I'm still in the dark because my mum has obviously been with her most of the time, and I haven't really seen anyone in the last 48 hours because I've been at home.

From what little I do know, my grandmother is now paralysed on one side, and my mum is looking at care home options, because my grandfather simply can't cope, and the last year or so, his health has deteriorated thanks to the huge workload he's faced.

Look, I'm not putting my head in the ground. I know what happens when people get old. But this is the first time I've actually had to confront this reality first hand.

So naturally, I'm really rather confused right now.

I post this here because I know you guys can be trusted to be sensible on your comments about serious issues.

Nothing anybody says could really help you as it is a very personal experienced ordeal.
All my grandparents, my parents and most of my uncles and aunts have died and I very consciously experienced all of it. Most have been eaten by cancer.
Because of the fact that I am somewhat 'different' it is easier for me to mentally distance myself from these things and simply accept the absurdity of our existence as it is. Live is what I expect it to be: senseless, pointless, absurd, and I expect nothing of it, and to completely accept that makes things easier for me it seems.
It is hard for me to understand how 'normal' people experience grief, whether it is perhaps more intense. I personally never get carried away by it.

 

[Deleted member 110222]

Nothing anybody says could really help you as it is a very personal experienced ordeal.
All my grandparents, my parents and most of my uncles and aunts have died and I very consciously experienced all of it. Most have been eaten by cancer.
Because of the fact that I am somewhat 'different' it is easier for me to mentally distance myself from these things and simply accept the absurdity of our existence as it is. Live is what I expect it to be: senseless, pointless, absurd, and I expect nothing of it, and to completely accept that makes things easier for me it seems.
It is hard for me to understand how 'normal' people experience grief, whether it is perhaps more intense. I personally never get carried away by it.

I get where you're coming from. You're absolutely right that there isn't really anything that anybody here can do to "help", as it is just that personal. Alas, right now, I've not really got anywhere else to go.

 

[Iskariot]

I get where you're coming from. You're absolutely right that there isn't really anything that anybody here can do to "help", as it is just that personal. Alas, right now, I've not really got anywhere else to go.

Perhaps a weird or impertinent question:
Do you experience consolation/comfort/soothing (I am not really sure which term I should use) from these reactions on this forum?

I am asking because I do not really understand how these things work myself.
I cannot be consoled myself, in the sense that I do not seem to be able to experience it at all.
It is very mysterious to me what consolation is supposed to be, to feel like.

 

[Deleted member 110222]

Perhaps a weird or impertinent question:
Do you experience consolation/comfort/soothing (I am not really sure which term I should use) from these reactions on this forum?

I am asking because I do not really understand how these things work myself.
I cannot be consoled myself, in the sense that I do not seem to be able to experience it at all.
It is very mysterious to me what consolation is supposed to be, to feel like.

Now that is a good question. Honestly, I'm not sure what I'm feeling. All I do know is that if I don't say anything, anywhere, then I start getting all worked up and really struggle to do anything.

I suppose you could say I find discussion comforting, however impersonal.

 

[seanguzzi]

It's all very personal, but the explanation that works for me, after various & sundry losses over the years, goes something like this:
Our brains evaluate the world, and our place in it, based on available info & experiences. Death, war, trauma etc bring a huge set of new info that our brains suddenly have to incorporate into the mix, and the results can mean a huge shift in our outlook regarding ourselves, mortality, religion, ethics, "the point of it all", etc. It can be a difficult, painful, frightening experience to realign ourselves with the new reality. I think this is grief: the letting go of the old way of experiencing the world, a way that no longer exists.

Best of luck in your journey. This too shall pass. Everything passes.

 

[hems303]

Hi Un1k0rn

Sorry to hear your current news. From a personal perspective I have lost a fair few close to me, as when you get on in years as I am, those around you are not getting any younger and with each passing year, familiar faces pass.

The ONLY thing that has helped me is my philosophy of always going to those who are close to me and telling them just what they mean to me (before it's too late). In other words speak with those close to you and tell them how important they are to you (while you can).

As for your Gran, not knowing who you are when you speak to her, if you can make her smile just once by your presence, surely that is worth all the "why didn't I go speak when I had the chance"

(My grandfather was a tyrant but pitiful when at his last stage. I went several times and sat with him and held his hand, even though he didn't have a clue who I was. I was told I was wasting my time by some. But I made him smile several times just by reminiscing with him...he must have been remembering happier times. I am glad I took the trouble. Those that said I was wasting my time....they were the one's with the regrets on his passing).

Never leave a kind word unsaid, forget that harsh word or omission; as it will only come back to haunt you....not them!

If at the end, you have done your best for others, you'll rest easy.

fly safe

o7

 

[Pyrotiger]

A fair few years ago, I was very unwell upon tropical shores and, as bizarre and melodramatic as it may sound, one night I felt I was really weakening. I remember in a rare conscious moment, thinking this well could be it, and then this feeling of utter peace came washing over me, peace like I'd never had before. I wasn't worried or frantic at that point, just ready for that, erm... piece of peace. (It's a shame I find it hard getting back exactly to that moment, because I sometimes worry about such things - you'd think I learnt something profound I could cling to. I suppose fear of death and being upset by suffering is natural - it encourages us to stay alive and not run into the path of that oncoming milkfloat!)

Personally I'd say I'd rather just pass away than suffer with dementia or anything, but that's easy said, as I don't have it and am not watching anyone like that at the moment. I did experience my mother being abused for many years when I was young and felt utterly powerless, and I think that watching on, that's the real suffering. Perhaps it's feeling helpless that is the hardest thing for you? However, I try to shift perspective: if we are fearful of death and passing, what were we doing before we were born? Where have we come from? Focusing on that kind of interrupts morbid thoughts I get from time to time.

I don't know if my words have been helpful to you or mean jack to anyone with any sanity at all, but regardless, I wish you all the best.

 

[Shadowdancer]

It sucks, but you will somehow get through. Maybe you'll get cynical about the cruelness of a society that insists of putting humans through years of deterioration, pain, and suffering, waiting for a slow death becoming a relief to all, instead of granting the basic kindness we bestow upon our pets. Or maybe that's just me after seeing too much of that process repeating itself. Try to concentrate on your life instead of others' deaths. Help where you can, but know your limits; you can't allow to burn yourself out, so keep doing things you enjoy (don't know where you are on that "having friends" scale, but having someone external to talk to can help).

And If you ever find yourself staring up an abyss asking yourself how you could possibly get back out, seek professional counselling!

 

[Deleted member 110222]

Thanks guys. Maker knows I appreciate.

Spacebaboy, your comment on what we were doing before being conceived... That's particularly poignant, and extremely helpful. Honestly, one of the wisest things I've ever read, and I mean that sincerely.

I do also have my own beliefs that help. It's far from "mainstream" and I won't get into detail.

Thing is, I don't think I'm particularly scared of my own passing. That's a simple reality of life that can't be fought against.

Why is terrifying, is the knowledge that probably rather soon, I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that there's someone I'm never going to see again, for decades potentially. The hard part is living with it.

 

[Morbad]

Most of my family died off when I was a kid and didn't have any real say, control, or responsibility over what was happening, so coping was simply a matter of whether to survive or not.

If my mother goes through the same deterioration her mother did, and that your grandmother seems to be going through, I'll do whatever is in my power to make sure her suffering is as brief as possible. Of course, even that decision has largely been made for me, as my mother has long expressed such sentiments herself.

 

[Shadowdancer]

Why is terrifying, is the knowledge that probably rather soon, I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that there's someone I'm never going to see again, for decades potentially. The hard part is living with it.

You don't have to fear that so much. There will be a hard phase, but it won't last forever; quite frankly, chances are that you will live through most of it even before her death. It's alright and normal to experience your thoughts and feelings, but do not let it take you over.

 

[Deleted member 110222]

I will say this. It pains me, of course it does, but I completely understand why my mum last night, as official next of kin, put in a DNR request.

That's how I know my grandmother's situation is really bad. You don't say DNR unless the patient in question is basically on their last legs.

At the moment I have no idea what each day will bring. I have to be especially thoughtful for my, as she is seeing the woman who raised her slip away.

You don't have to fear that so much. There will be a hard phase, but it won't last forever; quite frankly, chances are that you will live through most of it even before her death. It's alright and normal to experience your thoughts and feelings, but do not let it take you over.

Thanks, I'll try not to get consumed. Like I say, this is still pretty new to me. I'm only 23, and haven't really seen close family in this state before.

 

[Cmdr Eagleboy]

At one point in my life I have said goodbye to my mom, my both grandmoms, my former gf mom and grandom all in 10 years time. You never, ever get used to it. It is a shock after shock.

Only way is to let it all trough you, grief and anger, and kindness is only thing you want to keep from all this. Be kind to those left behind. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Patrick_68000]

Resilience and humility are the only solutions to overcome our poor human condition

Courage !