General / Off-Topic Coping with the tragedy of a direly ill loved one.

[Deleted member 110222]

Well she's well enough for visits now. Paralysed still is the latest. But from what I hear, it's had an adverse effect on her Dementia. She keeps wanting to know where people who have been dead for decades have gone.

I will be going to see her tomorrow, however.

 

[Cmdr Eagleboy]

Well she's well enough for visits now. Paralysed still is the latest. But from what I hear, it's had an adverse effect on her Dementia. She keeps wanting to know where people who have been dead for decades have gone.

I will be going to see her tomorrow, however.

[video=youtube;QZl2pqmnNlM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZl2pqmnNlM[/video]

I always listen to this, because I can relate.

 

[Pyrotiger]

Anything by the Manics is a winner for me. The Girl That Wanted To Be God really stood out for me back in 96.

There are no sunsets, just silence...

What an opening lyric.

 

[verminstar]

I was gonna just ignore this thread...nothing personal mind but I have been where you are...only worse.

About 8 years ago my wife died to a rare form of cancer...thats after a two year battle against it which she lost obviously.

Very different situation and circumstances however...I had a 6 year old daughter who was autistic and terrified of losing both parents...I lost the plot entirely straight after and went on a 3 month bender of self destruction where my daughter was taken into the care of the grandparents...legally. Much of it was anger and rage directed at the medical profession who made a number of mistakes diagnosing her...by the time they realized their mistakes, it was too late...and they closed ranks to cover their tracks.

So I use my daughter as my anchor and that pulled me back from the brink as it were. How ye cope with such things...ye just cope because ye dont have a choice. I suppose ye could run away and hide...then spend the rest of yer days trying to forget the pain this would have caused to a 6 year girl with emotional difficulties. I am many things but Im no coward, and so did it the hardest possible way there is. Dried my eyes and made a new life and the rest is history. Thats 8 whole years as a single father who actually refused outside help because it was a battle I needed to fight alone...if that makes sense. The 15 year old happy wee girl, top of her class, ha top of her school...top 5 anyway...thats my reward. Thats how I know I have succeeded in life and its the best gift I can give to my wifes memory by raising our daughter alone and not have her as messed up as me.

In yer own case, try and imagine what they would want...what would make them proud of ye and hold onto that thought. Not only for yerself...fer their memory and fer the memory of those who rely on ye to be strong who were left behind in the land of the living. I know Im not a good person by any stretch of the imagination, but I try and be the best father I can be and hope everything falls into place on its own.

An over simplification perhaps...the easy way out is to run away and disappear of the face of the planet into some boozy gutter. Any other option is gonna be hard work so its time to make a choice...deal with it like a man or dont deal with it like a coward.

Harsh words yes but soft words dont work the way many seem to think they work. Soft words of encouragement actually annoyed me more because when ye do actually need help, none of them are around like they say they always around. Its fake...its the done thing I suppose...say yer there to support them when really yer not...sounds cool at the time perhaps I dunno.

Its a personal battle, nobody can fight it for ye and the grief process is different fer everyone. Some go into deep depression while others gain obsessions and hobbies to distract them, while others go out and find another wife asap...usually from some eastern european country on the internet because its cheaper than trying to court local girls who want the fairytale.

My advice wont be that helpful at all...I did things when I was grieving that I wont share. But Im hardly the most law abiding guy at the best of times...worked fer me and still does so...good luck on yer own journey. Stay safe m8 ^

 

[Jenner]

I was gonna just ignore this thread...nothing personal mind but I have been where you are...only worse.

About 8 years ago my wife died to a rare form of cancer...thats after a two year battle against it which she lost obviously.

Very different situation and circumstances however...I had a 6 year old daughter who was autistic and terrified of losing both parents...I lost the plot entirely straight after and went on a 3 month bender of self destruction where my daughter was taken into the care of the grandparents...legally. Much of it was anger and rage directed at the medical profession who made a number of mistakes diagnosing her...by the time they realized their mistakes, it was too late...and they closed ranks to cover their tracks.

So I use my daughter as my anchor and that pulled me back from the brink as it were. How ye cope with such things...ye just cope because ye dont have a choice. I suppose ye could run away and hide...then spend the rest of yer days trying to forget the pain this would have caused to a 6 year girl with emotional difficulties. I am many things but Im no coward, and so did it the hardest possible way there is. Dried my eyes and made a new life and the rest is history. Thats 8 whole years as a single father who actually refused outside help because it was a battle I needed to fight alone...if that makes sense. The 15 year old happy wee girl, top of her class, ha top of her school...top 5 anyway...thats my reward. Thats how I know I have succeeded in life and its the best gift I can give to my wifes memory by raising our daughter alone and not have her as messed up as me.

In yer own case, try and imagine what they would want...what would make them proud of ye and hold onto that thought. Not only for yerself...fer their memory and fer the memory of those who rely on ye to be strong who were left behind in the land of the living. I know Im not a good person by any stretch of the imagination, but I try and be the best father I can be and hope everything falls into place on its own.

An over simplification perhaps...the easy way out is to run away and disappear of the face of the planet into some boozy gutter. Any other option is gonna be hard work so its time to make a choice...deal with it like a man or dont deal with it like a coward.

Harsh words yes but soft words dont work the way many seem to think they work. Soft words of encouragement actually annoyed me more because when ye do actually need help, none of them are around like they say they always around. Its fake...its the done thing I suppose...say yer there to support them when really yer not...sounds cool at the time perhaps I dunno.

Its a personal battle, nobody can fight it for ye and the grief process is different fer everyone. Some go into deep depression while others gain obsessions and hobbies to distract them, while others go out and find another wife asap...usually from some eastern european country on the internet because its cheaper than trying to court local girls who want the fairytale.

My advice wont be that helpful at all...I did things when I was grieving that I wont share. But Im hardly the most law abiding guy at the best of times...worked fer me and still does so...good luck on yer own journey. Stay safe m8 ^

Wow man. Hats off to you. Sounds like you did well in putting your life in order and raising your little girl well. That's a rough road you've been on for sure. I can only hope I'd do as well were I in your place.

o7

 

[Arry]

How do you guys do it, if you've been in my position?

My grandmother got taken to hospital again yesterday after suffering a second major stroke. I'm still in the dark because my mum has obviously been with her most of the time, and I haven't really seen anyone in the last 48 hours because I've been at home.

From what little I do know, my grandmother is now paralysed on one side, and my mum is looking at care home options, because my grandfather simply can't cope, and the last year or so, his health has deteriorated thanks to the huge workload he's faced.

Look, I'm not putting my head in the ground. I know what happens when people get old. But this is the first time I've actually had to confront this reality first hand.

So naturally, I'm really rather confused right now.

I post this here because I know you guys can be trusted to be sensible on your comments about serious issues.

This is hard to deal with for anyone.

I feel that I can't do the seeing people I know coming to the end. It scares the hell out of me and have avoided it all of my life. However: Now I have a little brother, whose life expectancy can now be measured in months and so for him and myself; I have to face this demon.

What are my choices?

I can ignore what is happening and close my eyes to it and pretend it is not happening. This will not stop me thinking and festering about it, during those times I am off guard and find myself thinking about him and wondering how he is.

I ignore what is going on, not get involved and stay away; but keep myself informed, by those who see him etc.. This will also, not stop me thinking and festering about it, during those times I am off guard and find myself thinking about him and wondering how he is.

I can make the best of the time we have left. Yes it hurts, yes it is really really hard, (I am welling up right now) but I feel better for seeing him AGAIN, each time I do so. I cannot just pop out and go and see him, due to distance and costs, but if I could. I would see him every day, because every moment IS special and it is good to see him one more time. But there is one small thing that makes it worth while and that is his smile, when he first see me. That is the point I think. How I feel should not be my concern, it is him that is suffering, him that is having a bad time and so I need to do all I can to make it better for him and if I find myself crying afterwards; tough.

 

[Cmdr Eagleboy]

I was gonna just ignore this thread...nothing personal mind but I have been where you are...only worse.

Wow...man....that's a story. That's a life.

 

[Deleted member 110222]

I really appreciate the kind words guys.

I visited her on Tuesday. Yeah, she's totally paralysed on one side. I really do think that a care home is best for her welfare now. She needs the aid of people who have actively chosen to help, and have received the proper training.

At this point I have to consider the health of my grandfather too.

 

[Manticore]

This is hard to deal with for anyone.

After reading your post I can say that I am sincerely sorry to hear about this. You, and your family, have my best wishes.

I really appreciate the kind words guys.

You have my best wishes too and I'll extend that to anyone else in this thread who has expressed personal tragedy.

o7 to you all............

 

[Bill Clement]

Mate, I'm so sorry to hear about what's happened. I can't help with the pain, this is going to hurt, no matter what happens. As others have said, share your love with her while she's here, she may not be 100% aware of who you are, but she'll feel the connection and you might be able to bring a little light into her life.

By the sounds of things the care home option would be best all round. It's nothing to fear, believe me. My dearest aunt lived alone. She was strong, independent, the matriarch of our family. My wife's mother died young, May (her older sister) became the mother figure in my wife's life. She looked after my sons when they were young, she was their real grandmother. She was always the rock that anchored our family.
But then the dementia struck, and she wasn't able to look after herself any more. She lived with us- holidays at first, then for longer breaks, but with the boys in full time education and both myself and my wife working shifts, she wasn't getting much better looked after with us than at home with visiting carers. She needed 24hr care and supervision, she was getting barely a third of that.
It took us almost a year of heart searching and deliberation, but eventually we looked for a care home. We looked at several, only one felt like home. So we bit the bullet and signed in.
May's health and faculties were deteriorating, she really needed 24hr care and only the home was able to give it. She settled there. The constant surroundings and regular routine, the familiar faces and constant interaction, the genuine compassion and fellow feeling the staf have all made her final months the calmest and most peaceful she'd had since the condition struck.

She passed a few months ago. It hurt then, Gods it hurts now, but by that stage she was wasting away and in constant pain. The confusion she felt made things so much worse. But she recognised my wife at the end and drew a far bit of comfort from her being there. Life is cruel, death isn't always a bad thing. I miss her, but I'm glad she doesn't have to suffer any more.

Like I said, show your grandmother love, let her know you care, even if she can't quite remember who you are or what you used to mean to her. And don't forget your grandad! Pop around and see the old fella every now and then. He'll appreciate the company, even if he doesn't say so.

Good luck mate. Take care of yourself and try not to let it get you down. Life is cruel, that's why people are kind...

 

[Bran Tse Mallory]

Sorry to hear this Un1k0rn.

How to cope... I don't think we ever do. When my dad was taken to hospital for the last time I thought I was ready for the worst. Since leaving home I'd not had to much contact with either of my parents due to life and childhood issues but as time went by I got to the stage where we would at least talk on the phone once a month. When I got the phone call to tell me he had been taken in I rushed over to see him and was promptly taken to one side by a Dr. to be told that he would not last the day.

That's when I lost the plot and a lifetime of regrets and lost time with him hit me like a train. 5 years have passed since then but even now just opening my heart like this has me in tears...

Somehow though, life goes on and those around us offer their strength. In memory of my dad I try every day to be the best person I can be, to live up to the expectations he had of me and be the Gentleman he raised me to be. This is how I try and cope.

My thoughts are with you at this time.