Actually I don't think you quite got why they picked it up.
Figures of speech and imagery are tricky things to handle. Turning a phrase to set up a piece of description so that it is economic and memorable is actually pretty difficult. Many student writers substitute for this by describing too much and ruining the pace of their work. What you did with 'mind drenched in sweat' was to try to construct a memorable figure of speech. Unfortunately it was memorable for the wrong reason as it provoked a literal image.
I used 'his voice like honey wetted scissors' for ages in a piece I put up four years ago. To me it sounded like the best thing in the world, but no-one else could work out what I meant.
Working out what to use and when to use it is difficult. All part of the learning curve.
no, i got why it was picked up. it was clumsy if nothing else, off putting to the point of putting a damper on things hence the bucket of water reference.
i get what your saying though, it is hard to turn a phrase at times, I used to write songs/poetry and get it even slightly wrong in that medium it gets noticed very fast.
hopefully feedback will get past the bones of the piece and start getting to the meat soon, because the real question is does it grab you? are you drawn in?
as Mickey Spillane said, the 2 most important chapters are the first and last, the first sells the book, the last sells the squeal.
for me, if I have a good start it makes it easier to write the rest as it takes a bit of the pressure off.
