[IC] The Adventures of Blackbeer, the Privateer - armed, intoxicated and extremely incompetent

[Blackbeer]

[Excerpt of the records on Commander Duff B. McGuinness]

Name: Duff B. McGuinness
Year of Birth: April 21, 3264
Profession: Starship-Pilot
Last known place of residence: LHS 3447
Last known location: Nyanktona System, Nyanktona 2 A, Acaba Horizons
Last known Vehicle/Vessel: Sidewinder (stolen)

Heritage: Sol System, Earth, Scotland
Parents:
Father: Duncan McGraw, born and raised in the Sol System, Earth, Scotland
Mother: Sarah Guinness, born and raised in the Sol System, Earth, Ireland.
The parents decided to get a new, common surname after their marriage.
Both parents died in 3301 in a spaceship crash while returning from a visit to the brewery of Sarah McGuinness' father in the Sol-System.

Career (excerpt):
Duff McGuinness inherited and old Sidewinder type spaceship in 3302 in the star system LHS 3447, and it took him the better part of that year to get that ship up and running again.
From then on very little is known about his whereabouts.
It is known that he was hired be the Imperial Navy for some covered operations, but the details are unknown (see appendix A).

Criminal Records:
He came in conflict with the law several times for smuggling various goods, and so far failed to pay any fees related to said offenses (see appendix B).

Criminal Records, recent:
- Cockaigne System, Ottley's Landing Starport:
Stealing of an Imperial Clipper including the cargo of 168 tons of narcotics; the ship was owned by a private contractor who was working for the Imperial Navy at that time.
Commander McGuinness left his Cobra MkIII behind, which was at the time of writing claimed by the Imperial Navy.

- Various Systems and Starports:
Commander McGuinness then tried to sell cargo, which he claimed to be an alcoholic beverage known as "Rum" at various starports (for list, see appendix C).
Since his cargo was illegal at most of the starports, he gained several fees of 418,572 Cr at said starports (for details, again see appendix C); all fines combined so far from this venture alone resulted in the sum of 17,580,024 Cr.

- Nyanktona System, Nyanktona 2 A, Acaba Horizons (planetary Starport)
Here Commander McGuinness tried to sell the Narcotics for a last time; again resulting in his last fine of 418,572 Cr.
Since at the time of arrival he was intoxicated, he started an argument with the Starport-Authorities that he was only hauling Rum.
He then started to dump the Narcotics while flying in circles over the Starport, causing minor property damage, resulting in another fine of 19,500 Cr.

Last of all, he was hovering over a medium size landing pad demanding docking allowance since "the pad is clearly unoccupied".
He ignored several warnings to leave the landing pad, but insulted the starport authorities via the comms.
After he deployed the weapons of his Imperial Clipper and started firing of Chaff-Charges, the automated Startport-Defense-Turrets opened fire on the Ship.
This in turn caused Commander McGuinness to rapidly accelerate his Ship in order to get out of range of the weapons-fire aimed at him.

He managed to get out of range, but his ship took heavy damage, and it crash-landed about 20 kilometers away at the edge of a crater.
Since he continued to insult and threaten the Starport-Authorities over the comms, it was decided to not go after him.

His last recorded crime was the stealing of a Sidewinder class ship, owned by the same person that originally owned the Imperial Clipper Commander McGuinness had stolen at Ottley's Landing, 7 hours after the crashlanding of said Imperial Clipper.
The Sidewinder was originally heading for Acaba Horizons and aborted it's aproach, after the pilot had spotted the wreckage of his ship, and decided to land at the crashsite instead.
Approximately 8 Minutes later the Sidewinder with Commander McGuinness on board lifted of and jumped away.

For details on equipment and armament of the stolen Sidewinder, see appendix D.
Since then it was not spotted within inhabitad space anymore.

Conclusion:
The Cobra MkIII of Commander McGuinness has been confiscated by the Imperial Navy, and his military ranks within the Imperial Navy have been suspended. He is sought after for stealing an Imperial Clipper owned by an officer of the Imperial Navy, stealing 168 tons of Narcotics, belonging to the Imperial Navy, and interfering with operations of the Imperial Navy.

In Federal Space he is sought after for his notorious smuggling, as well as multiple instances of blocking landing pads as well as Starport-Exit-Tunnels.

The Pilots Federation is currently investigating Commander McGuinness pilot license due to dangerous flying.

Several Bounties have been issued, resulting in a total Bounty of 52,328,001 Cr.
Be aware that Commander Duff B. McGuinness is in possession of a Sidewinder armed with two Class 1 Railguns.
He is known to be frequently intoxicated.

 

[Blackbeer]

*sssssssssssshhh-ck*

Logbook, Commanderr Duff Ben McGuiness... na...naaa... does'nae work lik' that.

*ssh-ck

Logbook, Commander... Ben Black.. beer... Commanderr Blackbeer.
Na, does'nae work eitherr.

*sssshh-ck*

Logbook CAPTAIN... Ben... nah... Benjamin... Blackbeer.
O'right, ah think ah go' it.

*ssshh-ck*

Logbook, Captain Benjamin Blackbeer.
Ah chose that name, because me old name is associated with to much o' trouble, an' it fits right with me secont prename,
which no one knows anywa', and Blackbeer... well... ya canna forge' about yer heritage, can ya.

I'ama sitting here in orbit aroond this godforsaken moon, thinkin' aboot what ta doe next.
Mo' than twenty-three thousand light-years awa' fram home, but it is'nae a home anymo'.
This 'ere should become ma new home, since ah hav' nothin' ta go back ta, nor do a'm wantin' ta.

*unintelligible sounds*

Aah... Rum's getting short, ah hope they 'ave resupplies doon thare. Anywa'.
A've been thinking a lot aboot what brought me 'ere, and just tae remind me that this was all worth it, a'm recording this.

I't all startet aboot a year ago, when ol' uncle Greg... tha' is Greg McGuiness, died 'n' bequested me his ol' Sidewinder.
'Twas in bonny ill shape, and the ainly good thing aboot it was the Scarab it cam' wi'.
That old Space-Buggy was a real joy ta drive, not like that ol' piece o' flying junk tha' Sidewinder was.

Ah used it a lot ta drive aroond, lookin' fur junk on that moon me was living oan. God knows, why mah parents - god bless thair souls - chose to live thare.
Aye, me knows, me father was a prospector, 'n' he had work thare, but... anywa'.

So, ah was stuck thare. 'til that Sidewinder came alang. Me ticket ta the stars. HA!
Took me th' better part o' a year ta git this thing a good enough FSD ta really make it somewhere, but i' was worth it.
I made it oot, ta the stars, an' rright inta imperial space.
Ya must know, ah always wanted ta fly one o' those Clippers, since ah saw on at the space port, and the ainly wey was ta work for the imperial navy.

Well, ta cut a lang story short, ah did so, earned me some cash so ah could at least git me a Cobra, on o' they Mark three ones, did some more tricky jobs, and star'ed to rank up.
I really was gaun somewha', 'til... well... lets saa' thare was a tiny wee bit o' Rum involved,
a witty bitty wee more than me coul' handle...
'n' then thare was this beautiful Clipper,
and it's ownar' came to the bar ah was busy with that Rum..
an' we started to chat..
an' he said he was goin' ta fly off soon with his hold full o' cargo,
'n' a asked what i'was, and he said "Rum, o' cause",
an' he was really nice,
'n' ah asked if ah coul' take that Clipper for a spin,
an' he said "in ye dreams, drunk-beard",
'n' one word led ta another,
'n' he ended whimperin' on the floor and I ended grinning on the bridge o' his Clipper... an'.. well.

Ta cu' a lang sto'y short, ah was making a run fur it, finally at th' helm o' a Clipper, made it back ta federal space,
and tried ta sell that Rum, in order ta git some money so ah could upgrade that ship 'n' make it awa' with ma bonny new Clipper.

But noone wanted ta buy it, in fact, at ev'y star-port ah tried ta land on thay scanned me an' said ah wanted ta smuggle in Narcotics,...

... and the wouln'a let me land, and at the last star port ah tried to land on, thare was a bit o' a stir, and thay ended up shooting at me.. ME! O' all the good souls...
An'd ah ended at tha edge of a crater in me new, bonny.. wrecked... Clipper... An' ah, and ah told them ta not git near me, or the'd rregrret it!

An'd a few hours later, as ah was just getting the Space-Buggy ready, to get some spare-parts from the Starport at th' other side of that moon,
ah heard a voice on tha comms, tha voice o' that guy I sto... wha gave me this Clipper,
an' 'e was kind'a mad at me, ah dunna wha, and 'e landed just like a hun'red yards awa',
an' with a rifle in his hands came walking over... and ah couldn't tak' off, and the Buggy was ootside and ah was still in the ship... .

So, ah just hid in the cargo-bay, 'n' as soon as he cam' in an' walked o' ta the bridge ah escaped, an' ah thought
"well, there's a nice wee ship that kin still fly, pitty 'tis a Sidewinder, but better then no'ing",
and so ah took it, and just went o' inta space.

Turned oot 'twas indeed better then expected.
His former ownar' had 'is FSD modded, the drives where also new ones, got'a fuelscoop, some extra heatsinks, ev'n an extra fuel tank,
'n' twa nice wee Railguns for when talkin' does'nae help anymo'.
Mak's me wonder if 'e had that one in store just in case 'e wan'ed ta pursue somewa', HA!

Just a bit odd 'e had na stellar body scannars fit'ed,
but since th' ships computer awready knew all th' systems in the Bubble he was just savin' weight, me thought.

So, as ah tried ta dock a few star-systems awa' ta fill up on Rum,
.. ah was only able ta take three wee bottles with me when ah left ma beloved Clipper behind,
... ah found out ah was wanted. ME! WANTED!

Me accoont had been suspended, coul'na buy a thing!
Thare was even some Boonty-hunn'ers on mah tail awready, God forbid!

So, ah made up mah mynd - leave the Bubble behind, an' try to reach Jaques Station...
Twenny-three thousan' light years awa'. Lang trip for such a wee ship, but could be dane, me thought.

Checked oot what me got:
had enough food an' water o'board, a nice wee cabin, althoogh th' bathroom was lacking a shower.

Tha Railguns me took of.
Landed on a lil' moon, unscrewing 'n' unplugging them,
then just took of an' turned tha Sidewinder upsid' doon an' wav'd them Guns godba', as thay tumbled doon ta the groond.

Ya gotta save weight, me thought, 'n' ah would'na be able ta stan' up in a fight against perfaissional Boonty-hunn'ers, anywa'.


Tha next days ah was busy finding a route ta Colonia, or Bubble two paint zero, as people cam' ta call it.

Ah cam' up with th' plan ta give me a new name:
Ah would crash this ship somewha' near the planetary outpost thay recently build,
an' self destruct the Sidewinder... then.. wel..
... either ah have ta walk ta the Starport, or hope that someone would pick me up 'n' rescue me.

The only difficult thing was: how da ye find a star-base oan a moon, when ye dunno hae' a stellar body scanner?

Ingenious as a'm, the solution was simple:
ah knew th' moon was orbiting a gas giant aboot one thousan' light seconds awa' from th' sun.
All ah had ta do was ta fly oot that distance, keep in the same plane as th' other sun in that system an' Jaques station,
which wur th' only 'hings ah had th' locations on screen fur...
...an' then circle aroond the sun 'til some big facking gas-ball would cam' in sight.

An' it worked! Now, only find the first moon, check fur the mountain-range ah had picturs from ta showing the location of the star-port, an' then go doon.

Well... that was a wee bit more tricky then ah first thought 't wou'd be, but it work'd.

So.. an' now a'm sitting 'ere, at th' helm of mah Sidewinder... 'n' waitin' for tha right moment ta go doon... .

Well, so much fur now.
Gotta git a drink... .


*sssshh-ck*

 

[mattvjmeasures]

This guy sounds like a wrong 'un �� !