[IC] The Onionhead News Network

[Onionhead News]

SLAVE UNEMPLOYMENT REACHES NEW HIGH IN SMITHPORT

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SMITHPORT- Employment reports in the Smithport Station located in the Run star system have shown a disturbing trend- Imperial Slaves brought in to pay off their debts working low level jobs have found themselves booted from their workplaces due to their employment being significantly more costly than their main competition: Unpaid interns. Vice President Jorje Tukanis, a member of the human resources department within the Allen Flight Dynamics Corporation, commented, "It just wasn't economically sound to keep them around. We have to feed them, house them, even put clothes on their backs! Not to mention all the training so they can work complex machinery properly, and the fact that they actually have to be paid. Ton for ton, a ton of imperial slaves just can't compete with a ton of interns. We have our investors to think of!"

Hugo, who requested that his last name not be used so that his supervisors cannot find out that he was taking an unauthorized break from the autolathe, told us about his work, "In between hunting Run II hellrats in the maintenance shafts and weaving my own clothes from the hair clogs found in the plumbing, I've been gaining lots of valuable work experience that will pay off in a future career! That combined with my master's degree in mechanical engineering means I'll be making quite a bit once my internship is up!"

Meanwhile, Clarissa Dubov, one of the now jobless slaves, had this to say, "Even though they've taken my job and I won't be getting any closer to paying off my debt, I have to feel sorry for them. We at least have some rights as citizens of the Empire, and AFDC Co. had to keep at least some safety standards in the work place. Those interns, though? I've heard that workplace accidents have doubled since I was fired, which is really bad since they don't get any medical coverage!"

Many of the slaves' contracts have been sold off by AFDC Co. to various nearby systems, giving them work place opportunities elsewhere. The interns, unfortunately, will need to save their way to affording an FSD travel capable ship before departing their internship.

 

[Onionhead News]

FEDERATION VICE PRESIDENT ASSASSINATED IN COMPLETELY COINCIDENTAL CIRCUMSTANCES THAT MAKE IT NOT AN ASSASSINATION

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FEDERATION SPACE- Vice President Smeaton's death has sent ripples of conspiracy talk through Federation space, but many of the details of his alleged assassination have been ignored to piece these theories together. A conclusive list of evidence has been compiled by Onionhead News analysts in this article to support the Federation in its claims-

1. On the night of his murder a police report was filed for the discharge of over thirty gunshots within the VP's home of residence. In the police investigation file it is recorded that a member of his bodyguard was cleaning his weapon and accidentally discharged the firearm thirty times while thoroughly polishing the trigger of the loaded weapon.

2. The fourteen stab wounds found on his body during the autopsy were likely a preexisting condition, lab technicians write. The VP was an avid food eater, a hobby that made him a familiar face to the masses of the Federation due to shared common ground. People who eat food are often very close to knives, which could have resulted in the multitude of stab wounds located in the area of his kidneys, neck, liver, and heart.

3. The biopsy report that presumably reported heavy amounts of polonium in his blood stream and settled in his vital organs has not been located in its entirety. The top half of the folder was conveniently located jammed in the Federation Investigative Branch commissioner's shredder, though the missing lower half means that we can never conclusively know the results of his bloodwork.

UPDATE- The upper half of the documentation has since been cleared and the shredding completed, meaning that there is now NO evidence of poisoning.

4. The words 'Murder' and 'Assassination' were temporarily removed from the law books and sanctioned dictionaries as the event happened. How can something that doesn't exist happen?

5. Over 1,000,000,000,000 witnesses from various places in the Federation claim to have not seen nor heard the situation. How can one trillion people be wrong in such a high profile case?

This evidence compiled by our investigative journalism practices clearly coincides with the Federation's reports that clearly nothing blatantly illegal happened, and that the event should be overlooked and mostly ignored. Under no circumstances should anyone be held responsible for the death, especially his active rivals that he and his colleague have angered in past events involving taxes, scolding the Federation Navy for its actions in Kappa Fornacis, and mostly ignoring the dictations of the Shadow President.

 

[Onionhead News]

PILOTS FEDERATION REVOKES LICENSE OF HIGHLY WANTED CRIMINAL
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SESHVAKA- An imbedded journalist following the story of CMDR 'Sociopathic Murderer,' who refuses to be addressed by any other means, has recently had his license revoked. His story is one of bootstraps and hard work, starting his career as many others do in a vintage Sidewinder craft, "Days were tough, I really had a hard time getting started, up until I found my first business partner." CMDR SM refers to his first act of piracy, in which he first stole several tons of platinum from his victim before forcing them to eject, followed by slinging the ejected pilot on a collision course with the nearby sun.

He quickly upgraded himself to an adder, after robbing several charity-laden trade ships meant to prevent the meaningless death of several thousand children exposed to a concoction of deadly chemicals after an industrial accident, "Their parents were willing to pay a premium, I'm telling you. Nothing like profit. I know that if I had a kid who was suffering like that, I wouldn't have paid nearly as much as those people. Good parents, I guess. Not that I had any."

With exploration on his mind, he set out into the galaxy with a cargo hold full of trafficked persons, though he did not intend to sell them. After leaving nearly 1000ly from populated space, he ejected the slaves into a black hole before returning back to civilized space. With the money made from his surveying, he was able to afford a type 7 lakon.

After repeatedly ramming other ships, and refusing to give mercy to the pilots despite them dropping their goods for his taking, he was finally tracked down by a bounty hunter whom he shouted several expletives at as he ruthlessly murdered him with several containers full of tons of priceless defaced artwork from the 24th century.

Due to the communications his license was permanently revoked, and questioning a member of the Pilots Federation public relations office said the following, "We aren't here to judge your morals or ethics, we're here to give a fair judgement on your merit and ability as a pilot. Whether that is exploration, combat, or trade, we have several scales based on how well you perform in these many avenues of work. Saying bad words to people is crossing the line, though, and we cannot tolerate such acts of depravity."

"I never really had anything in life except my passion for violently killing other human beings," he stated, the evidence of fatigue and depression set plainly on his face. It is clear that he is not doing well with the revocation, though his recent action of rigging an Orca laden with members of an elementary school field trip to see the local solar system with over three tons of explosives around the power plant means that he is still doing what he does best.

CMDR SM's license revocation is being appealed, and he has sent a formal apology to the federation which states, "I will never use a naughty word again, cross my heart and hope to die."

 

[Onionhead News]

OSCAR MEYER WIENERSHIPS RUN LTT 700 BLOCKADE



View attachment 9190
Ship depicted: 'Smokies' Type 6 Lakon, Light Wiener Configuration
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LTT 700- Open conflict has begun raging across the LTT 700 system by several groups of confused members of the Pilot's Federation, with all sides accusing each other of increasingly improbable motivations and deeds. This conflict has caused significant damage to the transportation fleets, whom are attacked by these rogue pilots in an attempt to sway station and planet control in one direction or another. The war in LTT 700 has been entered on two sides by Jet Major Holdings and the Citizens of Tradition, two Empire aligned factions that both accuse the other of being "Federation Spies." Meanwhile, the Federation backed Silver Federal Exchange, a company financed with intent to buy out any assets made vulnerable in the system, continues to strengthen its grip.

The blockades and checkpoints placed in the system by pirates, privateers, and official members of the two warring factions have prevented food and vital medical supplies from reaching planet LTT 700 B2, which houses a significant amount of the population of the system. With the risk of famine setting in, enter the long-running industrial giant, Oscar Meyer.

From humble beginnings in year 1883, Oscar Meyer began as a meat processing company that brought quality meats to the masses. Oscar Meyer was one of the first companies to revolutionize the process of 3d printing food, using their industrial patents and processes to combat several famines even prior to humanity truly leaving the bounds of Earth's atmosphere. They have since expanded, and with it comes their mission statement, "A hot dog for every hungry mouth in the galaxy." Combining their over one thousand year old meat logistics, heavy industrial might, and with the hiring of plucky pilots, they have licensed special modifications to create wiener shaped blockade runners with the intent of preventing famine from setting in on wartorn planets across the galaxy.

From the Lakon 6 'Light Wiener' designed for silent running, the Lakon 7 'Angus Beef' armed with multiple cannon turrets, and the Lakon 9 'Jumbo Wiener' armed with thick military composite plating, the Oscar Meyer Wienership fleet is designed to bust any blockade and deliver hundreds of tons of meat products to war torn regions of the galaxy that would surely perish without such aid. 'Smokies' pilot Hard Beefslab, a retired Federation fighter pilot, commented, "I never really had a fulfilling feeling in my work until I hired on with Oscar Meyer. Now-a-days I feel like I'm really accomplishing something every time I take my Wienership through that slot and deliver my hundred tons of meat to people that are really in need of a good wiener."

 

[Onionhead News]

TATAMO INTERSTELLAR AUTOLANDER RECALLED

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SPINRAD DOCK, TATAMO- Recalls for the 'Econolander' touted as the next big advance in autolander technology have been put out as of yesterday evening, due to several safety flaws that have resulted in dozens of accidents in and around various star ports. Tatamo Interstellar VP of sales, Taku Hitohori, commented, "We found that we had a small software bug in the autopiloting system that can be triggered during power surges, such as those caused when a pilot manually shifts power in their distributor. Our models were heavily tested under lab conditions that did not account for disturbances caused by pilots who do make the poor decision of manually allocating power."

Deeper investigation in the matter shows that the Econolander is actually just a pair of cinderblocks and a speaker, one used to keep the throttle all the way forward, and another tied to the yoke via a string that causes the ship to erratically change directions. The speaker plays the relaxing "By the Beautiful Blue Danube" composed by Earth musician Johann Strauss II in the late 19th century, though the power draw caused by the speaker allegedly is capable of drawing enough power to simultaneously shut down retro-thrusters, life support, and shields when the music starts.

Dockmaster of Spinrad Dock Hago Suzu has been quoted as ordering his orbital gunners to "Shoot any god-damned ship that has an Econolander down before it reaches the slot." He refused interview, saying that it was against company policy and that we would have to ask elsewhere, but it is clear that even members of the station where it is produced are shaken by its performance.

The Econolander will be returned to pilots free of charge after being refurbished with a third brick that knocks out the ship's canopy whenever it decelerates too quickly, with VP Hitohori saying, "At least if they're dead they can't sue us."

Despite these safety issues, the Econolander continues to be the best performing autolander on the market, easily beating out its second competitor that is an armed 200mm missile warhead armed to explode when the landing gear is dropped.

 

[Onionhead News]

PILOTS EAT ONIONHEAD IN LIBRARY, BEGIN SECOND LIVONIAN CRUSADE
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LAVE SYSTEM, ALLIANCE SPACE- Confused commodity transporters have recently begun uparmoring and uparming their ships in recent days due to a throng of missile-laden eagles fully willing to open fire while inside of the docking bays. Donning the colors of the 12th century Teutonic Order, the pilots have traditionally begun their attacks by opening communications with their target before revealing their love for the now comatose immortal emperor.

Many Imperial citizens and hired members of the Pilots Federation deny the group's allegations of working for the Empire, and have written them off instead as addled lunatics with military hardware. The Onionhead News Network has put our investigative team's boots to space-ground, and have found the origin of this group.

Now unemployed onionhead salesman Shags HUGE (He specifically instructed us to spell his name this way) told us, "I went and sold a couple tons of onionhead in the public library to a couple of pilots. They were all wearing those Fawkes masks trying to act incognito, but I told them that the library wasn't well funded and didn't have any security cameras. I gave them a sample, and didn't actually get to sell it to any of them."

Unemployed onionhead salesman Shags HUGE was on onionhead at the time and did not realize that the public library was very well funded, and surveillance footage shows the pilots eating the samples before running into the pre-colonization history section of the library, where they immediately began screaming things such as "Knights rule! We should be knights, and catapult dead cows into castles!" and "I can hear the Emperor on my telephone! I can hear him!"

After checking out books on the Teutonic Order, which will be due in three days unless they want to pay late fees, they armed up and immediately set off for Lave, due to how close it sounds to Livonia. The group has even adopted the Teutonic tactic of pillaging and burning everything that moves regardless of its importance.

When queried for interview, the Emperor had no comment on these activities. We suspect this may be due to him being a vegetable.

 

[Onionhead News]

DRUNK UNCLE RUINS SPACE WEDDING AGAIN

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UNDISCLOSED LOCATION- Wedding goers were dismayed today at the premature closing of the Smith-Younce wedding, due to the arrival of Uncle Thom. Despite attempts of the groom's family to conceal the time and location of the wedding, modern social networking enabled drunk Uncle Thom managed to arrive just in time for the wedding reception held aboard a lakon type 9 transport.

After destroying the escort ships and the barge carrying the couple's new car, Uncle Thom hailed the pilot. The following is the blackbox communication retrieved from the incident:

Drunk Uncle Thom: "HEEEEY, I'm here! Come on, open up for Tommy!"
Pilot: "Sir, you have to pull away immediately. Sector authorities have been contacted."
DUT: "You- You don't tell ME what to do-"

Cargo limpets were deployed by Uncle Thom, ejecting half of the bridesmaids into space.

DUT: "I brought the booze! Hey, HEY DAD! Can you loan me some- Some money? I can't actually afford to fly this right now...."

After this transmission, Uncle Thom ejected over 500 tons of booze into the wedding barge, causing critical damage and taking out the port stabilization thrusters, causing the barge to begin spinning out of control. Uncle Thom immediately fled the scene in his uninsured type 9. The vessel was later found embedded in the side of a nearby mining outpost with several of its identification numbers filed off.

Jan Smith, the now happily married husband, commented, "We didn't invite him because last time he went to my brother's wedding he tried to smuggle ten tons of toxic waste and a pair of tanks on the barge. He acted like they weren't there at all, and when the authorities came to seize the goods he split and left us all to get arrested. All he left was a note saying that my sister in law was fatter than a Mars hippo. None of us really know how he became a licensed member of the Pilots Federation."

 

[Ben Ryder]

More... this stuff is great!

 

[Jason Pegasi]

Moar : D : D

Perf.