A father's legacy
Leaning forwards I look at the scanner.
"Really" I mutter tapping the screen
But it's there sitting a few light seconds away.
My life's quest in reach a culmination events leading to this point.
Sighing I lean back into the folds of the crash couch. Listening to the hum of my ship.
I just can't believe this is it.
Looking at my trembling hands, I force my self to control my breathing. But this time the excitement threatens to overwhelm me.
Rolling in the endless dark is the Spaghetti Western a Cobra class vessel.
Flicking a few switches i track its endless tumble through space.
Scanners probing it's battered hull sending data back showing it's condition.
Oh there is nothing special about her and other than showing up as a missing vessel. No reason to be the centre of attention.
She's nobody's fortune, no treasure hunters dream.
Taking a determined breath I match her velocity and bring my sidewinder along side her.
The brief flare of thrusters illuminating the dark.
I release my hand from the throttle and clench my fingers, flexing them in and out.
I know those lines, I see her battered frame. I know her shape it's beautiful and takes my breath away.
The scanner beeps confirming her ID. but I know , I would know her anywhere.
Flicking forward lights on, they catch and hold her in light embrace, pushing back the dark she tumbles through.
The lights caress her surface showing her frame. The ID has been obscured over time. But I know those numbers obscured as they are.
And then the picture of a brown battered Stetson shows a long her back.
I fight back the tears, but eI'm losing that battle.
Bringing my ship to relative speed I catch my breath goose bumps raised along my arms, the hair on the back of my neck standing on end.
This is my father's ship.
"Hello Dad" I whisper to the dark.
Life's Quest
A father's Son
He holds my hand as we walk across the docking bay at Boole port I hear the familiar sound of the spurs he wears on his boots clicking and rattling.
It's been a long time but the memory is clear. I am 8 years of age, it's my birthday and he has a surprise to show me.
I hear him laughing at my constant questions as to where we are going.
"Patience son" he ruffles my hair and i smile.
I try to match his long confident stride.
I roll my sidewinder end over end and bring her in line with the Westerns cockpit.
Flicking a few switches I'm secretly delighted with that manoeuvre, releasing my shaking hands from the controls
We are now nose to nose, rolling slowing through the dark in a graceful dance.
Taking a deep breath I move the beams of light towards the cockpit.
"There she is son" his voice a rich baritone
"That is our future
"Dad" I hear myself say looking up at his delighted smile.
Hand in my hair he turns My head.
"There Son, that is our future"
We are standing before a ship
"That is a Cobra class vessel"
I look up at him but he's looking at the ship.
"Oh isn't she a beauty" his voice rich with excitement.
The cockpit frozen, ice clings to it's sides, a frost coats the glass reflecting, like diamonds in my light.
I kill the beams afraid to look anymore. Uncertain about what I may see.
And for now I am content to hold my father's hand and roll in the dark.
Life's Quest
A father's Choice
I'm woken by the sound
Of raised voices in the next room.
"Dad I'm not sure this is a good idea" my sister is shouting
"Love it's for the best" I hear his deep voice reply.
The argument carries on and I drift back off to sleep.
The Cobra and my Sidewinder spin gracefully in the void. I sit in the crash couch playing with controls, idling the time away, unsure what to do now I'm here. It's taken me an age to find him.
"More like half a lifetime" i catch my haggerd expression reflected back from my canopy as I rub the brown stubble on my chin.
"Hey dad " I mutter
"I thought" I pause
"Well I don't know what I thought to be honest"
"Finding you was all that mattered, and now that I have.. "
I flick the lights back on and strobe across the Western's cold frozen hull, an icy shape glittering in the light.
The coms ping and I flick my eyes to the screen, the enquiry I had sent to Western had returned a blank.
"Great" I sigh as I realise remote coms access isn't going to work.
"It's for the best son" I still hear his voice as I see him stroll up the ramp into his ship.
My sister didn't want to see him off, she didn't want me to come. But here I was. A small boy standing alone in the viewing area. Losing sight of his ship I
Pull forward his Stetson, it was oversized on my small head. But he had asked me to keep it until he returned. I thought it made me look determined. The brims shadow hid my tearful eys from inquisitive onlookers.
Life's Quest
A father's absence.
Pulling on my on my suit i push my melancholic thoughts away. It's been a while since i had performed an EVA.
Working my way through the safety protocols is failing to bring a calmness to my thoughts.
The suit AI warns about my high blood pressure and rapid breathing. Pressing the ignore button, it feels like the AI is annoyed at being silenced.
As I lean forward to pick up the tool kit I stop and stare once again at the Cobra hanging before me. Our relative speed matched so it appears we were stationary. Only the slow tumble of distant stars would break that illusion.
I would be at the same viewing area every day waiting for my dad to return. My sister knew where to find me and the station personnel even called me little Sheriff. I think in tribute to my dad's fasination with the old West.
Time passed and still I would go to the viewing area, or the local bars. Not really expecting but hoping. It had become a habit I was reluctant to break.
Turning I walk the short distance to the airlock.
Snapping my visor down I wait for the cycle to finish. Feeling rather than hearing the air rush out. A red light bleeps and I open the outer door.
Stepping out into the black my stomach turns as my brain struggles to adjust.
I have always found it ironic that I struggle with space vertigo.
Firing the suits thrusters I glide along the side of my Sidewinder the beams of my suit lights picking out the cartoon picture of a baby cowboy wearing a silver star.
I guess the nickname stuck. I shiver in the suits embrase it's cold in space.
Standing watching her casket ready to be incinerated, I struggle to hold back tears. My sister had kept her life on hold to look after me.
Her illness had been fast and sudden and as I stood before her for the last time. I knew the signs had been there all along. She had hidden it from me, and I had chosen to play along with that.
Looking down at her face behind the caskets glass. I don't know what to say. My hands ring the long battered Stetson as i stand there wondering what to do.
The room is full of people, some I know most I don't. They look on waiting to approach and deal with there own grief.
"I'm sorry sis" I whisper laying the Stetson on the casket.
I turn and walk out.
Life's Quest
A father's Pride
The last few squirts of the suit thrusters bring me to within a couple of inches of the Spaghetti Western. We rotate at relative speed and so appear stationary.
I pause the, helmet HUD querying my stop reevaluating my remaining air based on the unplanned stop. motioning to the HUD it shrinks to bottom right of my sight.
I want to look at her with my own eyes. I reach out and my fingers touch the side of the hull. I don't imagine the resulting static shock that passes through my system is anything other than excitement. But I could hope.
A further squirt of thrust and I travel along her length. Icy particles twinkling in a stream where my fingers trail along her length.
"It's ours son, our family's ticket to improving our lives" my dad is on one knee his blue eyes hidden behind his Stetson.
"Dad" my sister
"Don't do this" she pleads
"I have to darling don't you see"
She throws her hands in the air and walks off not looking back.
"She will come round son" he seems to be talking to himself.
Standing watching her walk away he seems torn.
I feel the Stetson placed on my head. He tilts my chin upwards.
"You understand don't you boy?"
I'm not sure I do, I nod looking for his approval.
"Good lad, look out for each other"
He turns and strides of along the docking bay.
I come to rest at the hatch containing the data point.
Pulling open the tool box I select the mag wrench and work open the broken hatch.
Giddiness threatens to overwhelm me as my Sidewinder comes into view. Forcing my self to face the task at hand I extend the cable and plug it in to the data port.
Instructing the suits AI to download the Spaghetti Western's base code.
The AI beeps away showing it's progress. the Cobras long dormant systems beep back acknowledgement.
Life's Quest
A father's pain
Nothing but the EVA suit between me and the cold of space.
My breathing marking time as it passes. I dare not risk another glance at anything other the side of the Cobra.
The deep dark does more than reflect my moods, moreover it defines me.
The emptiness of space mirrors the void that is the father in my life. Dark moods of what might have, could have been often take me. Scar's on my soul that i struggle to bear.
The diagnostics that are scrolling across my HUD indicate that the Spaghetti Western is now self booting.
A small ping, a flashing cursor.
"Okay" I say tapping the Image.
"Blast" the black box is not booting.
I pull the cord and hang in the endless dark, grinding my teeth in frustration debating my next move.
Life went on, I visited my sisters grave on and of over the years. Each time full of regret that I had left it so long.
I find it hard to remember when I started visiting more than the viewing area. Each time painful emotions that I had let her down. Each time not understanding why my father left.
I was moved around between foster families all looking to love me, help me. None could break through the emotional self destruction I was going through. Eventually I became a ward of Books Port until I was 18.
Finding my self staring at my reflection in the frosted glass of the Western's airlock. I didn't intend to board her, I hadn't made a conscious decision to fly to the airlock and yet here I am.
Checking the Western's systems on my HUD the system has finished booting. All minor systems that run of the back up are running. Nothing major, no life support, power but then I knew that would be the case.
I plug in the data cable next to the airlock and ask the AI to ping the lock.
My mind brings the sound I can't hear as he AI confirms the lock is disabled.
My Gloved hands slip on the permafrost as i grip the door. It's sudden outward movement spins me away from her side.
A wave of dizziness as I correct my flight.
Smiling I guess it must make a strange sight.
A sidewinder rotating nose to nose with a Cobra in the Dark of space and a suited figure holding position next to an open airlock.
Darkness beckoning within.
Lifes Quest
A father
My HUD was telling me I didn't have a lot of time left and whatever I planned to do, I had to get on with it.
A gentle squirt of thrust and I glide into the airlock. Frost and ice coats all the surfaces. The inner door is closed and sealed. Once again I plug in the data cable and ping the lock open.
My suit light reflects a thousand times of the frosted corridor. It looks like a cave from a fantasy vid.
I hear echoes of a boy in corridors he never ran through. I know this ship like the back of my hand and yet I have never set foot in her.
Her lines, shape, colour, insignia they are part of me.
My HUD air indicator changes to yellow. My suit AI wants to start back.
"Not yet" I say to myself.
Gliding slowly down the corridor towards the door to the bridge.
My heart racing pounding blood through my system. My vision swiming, I feel sweat running down my forehead into my eyes. Running down my back sending a chill with it.
The suit struggling to cope with my heightened state.
The bridge door stands before me, between me and ..
"And what" I say hanging in the corridor before it.
My hand reaches out towards access control.
"Come on get a grip" Im shakeing.
I know he is on the other side of the door waiting for me.
I feel him just sitting there, wanting me to go to him.
Tasting salt i realise that I am crying. Tears running freely down my cheeks.
A beeping denotes incoming coms.
Pushing the request to the side I pull the door. It's has frosted shut and will not budge.
Gripping the handle I pull with all my might. Using a little controlled thrust for leverage.
With a sudden release the door partially opens and the handle snaps With a scatter of frozen particles flying around the corridor. The momentum crashing me head first into the bulkhead. Dazed I notice the red HUD stating there is a tear in the arm, and the visor has been compromised.
Sealent fills the tear almost immediately, it is a temporary fix but it will last.
Nervously I flick my eyes around the inside of the visor and there it is small, hairline but a crack nonetheless.
My AI pings me urgently requesting i start back to my ship. But I am so close.
Sucking in my chest although In an EVA suit pointless really, I squeeze through the door and onto the bridge.
It is dark, very dark through the canopy I see a vague light. I guess that's my ships lights still probing away
I glance round the bridge following my suits beams of light reflecting the icy surfaces.
My lights track to the pilots chair. Darkness parted casting strange moving shadows around me
I see a helmeted figure, his back obscured by the chair his right arm frozen to his control stick.
It's him!
I'm frozen struggling to breath, uncertainty filling my actions. Hanging just above the floor. Ice particles swirl gently around me.
Just a few more feet and it all ends.
The AI will no longer be calmed it is insistant that I return to my ship.
Beep beep incoming hail. I look 14 missed messages in the last few messages.
I look at my dad and then at the hails.
Connecting
"This is not a good time love" I say in a whisper
"I have found him"
"Darling it's time"
I don't register, I'm talking on automatic wanting to move the last few feet and yet can't face it.
"Richard" her voice cuts through my thoughts
"Richard you promised " calm and filled with pain, i hear it in her breathing.
"My father" I say
She whispers and the words change my world.
"Richard they have broken, my waters have broken, you are going to be a father. I need you, we need you"
"I'm coming love, don't worry I'll be there"
Breaking the connection
I look at his silhouette and then turn without a second look.
"Dad you thought this was going to be the end, but it's not. It's my beginning"
Leaning forwards I look at the scanner.
"Really" I mutter tapping the screen
But it's there sitting a few light seconds away.
My life's quest in reach a culmination events leading to this point.
Sighing I lean back into the folds of the crash couch. Listening to the hum of my ship.
I just can't believe this is it.
Looking at my trembling hands, I force my self to control my breathing. But this time the excitement threatens to overwhelm me.
Rolling in the endless dark is the Spaghetti Western a Cobra class vessel.
Flicking a few switches i track its endless tumble through space.
Scanners probing it's battered hull sending data back showing it's condition.
Oh there is nothing special about her and other than showing up as a missing vessel. No reason to be the centre of attention.
She's nobody's fortune, no treasure hunters dream.
Taking a determined breath I match her velocity and bring my sidewinder along side her.
The brief flare of thrusters illuminating the dark.
I release my hand from the throttle and clench my fingers, flexing them in and out.
I know those lines, I see her battered frame. I know her shape it's beautiful and takes my breath away.
The scanner beeps confirming her ID. but I know , I would know her anywhere.
Flicking forward lights on, they catch and hold her in light embrace, pushing back the dark she tumbles through.
The lights caress her surface showing her frame. The ID has been obscured over time. But I know those numbers obscured as they are.
And then the picture of a brown battered Stetson shows a long her back.
I fight back the tears, but eI'm losing that battle.
Bringing my ship to relative speed I catch my breath goose bumps raised along my arms, the hair on the back of my neck standing on end.
This is my father's ship.
"Hello Dad" I whisper to the dark.
Life's Quest
A father's Son
He holds my hand as we walk across the docking bay at Boole port I hear the familiar sound of the spurs he wears on his boots clicking and rattling.
It's been a long time but the memory is clear. I am 8 years of age, it's my birthday and he has a surprise to show me.
I hear him laughing at my constant questions as to where we are going.
"Patience son" he ruffles my hair and i smile.
I try to match his long confident stride.
I roll my sidewinder end over end and bring her in line with the Westerns cockpit.
Flicking a few switches I'm secretly delighted with that manoeuvre, releasing my shaking hands from the controls
We are now nose to nose, rolling slowing through the dark in a graceful dance.
Taking a deep breath I move the beams of light towards the cockpit.
"There she is son" his voice a rich baritone
"That is our future
"Dad" I hear myself say looking up at his delighted smile.
Hand in my hair he turns My head.
"There Son, that is our future"
We are standing before a ship
"That is a Cobra class vessel"
I look up at him but he's looking at the ship.
"Oh isn't she a beauty" his voice rich with excitement.
The cockpit frozen, ice clings to it's sides, a frost coats the glass reflecting, like diamonds in my light.
I kill the beams afraid to look anymore. Uncertain about what I may see.
And for now I am content to hold my father's hand and roll in the dark.
Life's Quest
A father's Choice
I'm woken by the sound
Of raised voices in the next room.
"Dad I'm not sure this is a good idea" my sister is shouting
"Love it's for the best" I hear his deep voice reply.
The argument carries on and I drift back off to sleep.
The Cobra and my Sidewinder spin gracefully in the void. I sit in the crash couch playing with controls, idling the time away, unsure what to do now I'm here. It's taken me an age to find him.
"More like half a lifetime" i catch my haggerd expression reflected back from my canopy as I rub the brown stubble on my chin.
"Hey dad " I mutter
"I thought" I pause
"Well I don't know what I thought to be honest"
"Finding you was all that mattered, and now that I have.. "
I flick the lights back on and strobe across the Western's cold frozen hull, an icy shape glittering in the light.
The coms ping and I flick my eyes to the screen, the enquiry I had sent to Western had returned a blank.
"Great" I sigh as I realise remote coms access isn't going to work.
"It's for the best son" I still hear his voice as I see him stroll up the ramp into his ship.
My sister didn't want to see him off, she didn't want me to come. But here I was. A small boy standing alone in the viewing area. Losing sight of his ship I
Pull forward his Stetson, it was oversized on my small head. But he had asked me to keep it until he returned. I thought it made me look determined. The brims shadow hid my tearful eys from inquisitive onlookers.
Life's Quest
A father's absence.
Pulling on my on my suit i push my melancholic thoughts away. It's been a while since i had performed an EVA.
Working my way through the safety protocols is failing to bring a calmness to my thoughts.
The suit AI warns about my high blood pressure and rapid breathing. Pressing the ignore button, it feels like the AI is annoyed at being silenced.
As I lean forward to pick up the tool kit I stop and stare once again at the Cobra hanging before me. Our relative speed matched so it appears we were stationary. Only the slow tumble of distant stars would break that illusion.
I would be at the same viewing area every day waiting for my dad to return. My sister knew where to find me and the station personnel even called me little Sheriff. I think in tribute to my dad's fasination with the old West.
Time passed and still I would go to the viewing area, or the local bars. Not really expecting but hoping. It had become a habit I was reluctant to break.
Turning I walk the short distance to the airlock.
Snapping my visor down I wait for the cycle to finish. Feeling rather than hearing the air rush out. A red light bleeps and I open the outer door.
Stepping out into the black my stomach turns as my brain struggles to adjust.
I have always found it ironic that I struggle with space vertigo.
Firing the suits thrusters I glide along the side of my Sidewinder the beams of my suit lights picking out the cartoon picture of a baby cowboy wearing a silver star.
I guess the nickname stuck. I shiver in the suits embrase it's cold in space.
Standing watching her casket ready to be incinerated, I struggle to hold back tears. My sister had kept her life on hold to look after me.
Her illness had been fast and sudden and as I stood before her for the last time. I knew the signs had been there all along. She had hidden it from me, and I had chosen to play along with that.
Looking down at her face behind the caskets glass. I don't know what to say. My hands ring the long battered Stetson as i stand there wondering what to do.
The room is full of people, some I know most I don't. They look on waiting to approach and deal with there own grief.
"I'm sorry sis" I whisper laying the Stetson on the casket.
I turn and walk out.
Life's Quest
A father's Pride
The last few squirts of the suit thrusters bring me to within a couple of inches of the Spaghetti Western. We rotate at relative speed and so appear stationary.
I pause the, helmet HUD querying my stop reevaluating my remaining air based on the unplanned stop. motioning to the HUD it shrinks to bottom right of my sight.
I want to look at her with my own eyes. I reach out and my fingers touch the side of the hull. I don't imagine the resulting static shock that passes through my system is anything other than excitement. But I could hope.
A further squirt of thrust and I travel along her length. Icy particles twinkling in a stream where my fingers trail along her length.
"It's ours son, our family's ticket to improving our lives" my dad is on one knee his blue eyes hidden behind his Stetson.
"Dad" my sister
"Don't do this" she pleads
"I have to darling don't you see"
She throws her hands in the air and walks off not looking back.
"She will come round son" he seems to be talking to himself.
Standing watching her walk away he seems torn.
I feel the Stetson placed on my head. He tilts my chin upwards.
"You understand don't you boy?"
I'm not sure I do, I nod looking for his approval.
"Good lad, look out for each other"
He turns and strides of along the docking bay.
I come to rest at the hatch containing the data point.
Pulling open the tool box I select the mag wrench and work open the broken hatch.
Giddiness threatens to overwhelm me as my Sidewinder comes into view. Forcing my self to face the task at hand I extend the cable and plug it in to the data port.
Instructing the suits AI to download the Spaghetti Western's base code.
The AI beeps away showing it's progress. the Cobras long dormant systems beep back acknowledgement.
Life's Quest
A father's pain
Nothing but the EVA suit between me and the cold of space.
My breathing marking time as it passes. I dare not risk another glance at anything other the side of the Cobra.
The deep dark does more than reflect my moods, moreover it defines me.
The emptiness of space mirrors the void that is the father in my life. Dark moods of what might have, could have been often take me. Scar's on my soul that i struggle to bear.
The diagnostics that are scrolling across my HUD indicate that the Spaghetti Western is now self booting.
A small ping, a flashing cursor.
"Okay" I say tapping the Image.
"Blast" the black box is not booting.
I pull the cord and hang in the endless dark, grinding my teeth in frustration debating my next move.
Life went on, I visited my sisters grave on and of over the years. Each time full of regret that I had left it so long.
I find it hard to remember when I started visiting more than the viewing area. Each time painful emotions that I had let her down. Each time not understanding why my father left.
I was moved around between foster families all looking to love me, help me. None could break through the emotional self destruction I was going through. Eventually I became a ward of Books Port until I was 18.
Finding my self staring at my reflection in the frosted glass of the Western's airlock. I didn't intend to board her, I hadn't made a conscious decision to fly to the airlock and yet here I am.
Checking the Western's systems on my HUD the system has finished booting. All minor systems that run of the back up are running. Nothing major, no life support, power but then I knew that would be the case.
I plug in the data cable next to the airlock and ask the AI to ping the lock.
My mind brings the sound I can't hear as he AI confirms the lock is disabled.
My Gloved hands slip on the permafrost as i grip the door. It's sudden outward movement spins me away from her side.
A wave of dizziness as I correct my flight.
Smiling I guess it must make a strange sight.
A sidewinder rotating nose to nose with a Cobra in the Dark of space and a suited figure holding position next to an open airlock.
Darkness beckoning within.
Lifes Quest
A father
My HUD was telling me I didn't have a lot of time left and whatever I planned to do, I had to get on with it.
A gentle squirt of thrust and I glide into the airlock. Frost and ice coats all the surfaces. The inner door is closed and sealed. Once again I plug in the data cable and ping the lock open.
My suit light reflects a thousand times of the frosted corridor. It looks like a cave from a fantasy vid.
I hear echoes of a boy in corridors he never ran through. I know this ship like the back of my hand and yet I have never set foot in her.
Her lines, shape, colour, insignia they are part of me.
My HUD air indicator changes to yellow. My suit AI wants to start back.
"Not yet" I say to myself.
Gliding slowly down the corridor towards the door to the bridge.
My heart racing pounding blood through my system. My vision swiming, I feel sweat running down my forehead into my eyes. Running down my back sending a chill with it.
The suit struggling to cope with my heightened state.
The bridge door stands before me, between me and ..
"And what" I say hanging in the corridor before it.
My hand reaches out towards access control.
"Come on get a grip" Im shakeing.
I know he is on the other side of the door waiting for me.
I feel him just sitting there, wanting me to go to him.
Tasting salt i realise that I am crying. Tears running freely down my cheeks.
A beeping denotes incoming coms.
Pushing the request to the side I pull the door. It's has frosted shut and will not budge.
Gripping the handle I pull with all my might. Using a little controlled thrust for leverage.
With a sudden release the door partially opens and the handle snaps With a scatter of frozen particles flying around the corridor. The momentum crashing me head first into the bulkhead. Dazed I notice the red HUD stating there is a tear in the arm, and the visor has been compromised.
Sealent fills the tear almost immediately, it is a temporary fix but it will last.
Nervously I flick my eyes around the inside of the visor and there it is small, hairline but a crack nonetheless.
My AI pings me urgently requesting i start back to my ship. But I am so close.
Sucking in my chest although In an EVA suit pointless really, I squeeze through the door and onto the bridge.
It is dark, very dark through the canopy I see a vague light. I guess that's my ships lights still probing away
I glance round the bridge following my suits beams of light reflecting the icy surfaces.
My lights track to the pilots chair. Darkness parted casting strange moving shadows around me
I see a helmeted figure, his back obscured by the chair his right arm frozen to his control stick.
It's him!
I'm frozen struggling to breath, uncertainty filling my actions. Hanging just above the floor. Ice particles swirl gently around me.
Just a few more feet and it all ends.
The AI will no longer be calmed it is insistant that I return to my ship.
Beep beep incoming hail. I look 14 missed messages in the last few messages.
I look at my dad and then at the hails.
Connecting
"This is not a good time love" I say in a whisper
"I have found him"
"Darling it's time"
I don't register, I'm talking on automatic wanting to move the last few feet and yet can't face it.
"Richard" her voice cuts through my thoughts
"Richard you promised " calm and filled with pain, i hear it in her breathing.
"My father" I say
She whispers and the words change my world.
"Richard they have broken, my waters have broken, you are going to be a father. I need you, we need you"
"I'm coming love, don't worry I'll be there"
Breaking the connection
I look at his silhouette and then turn without a second look.
"Dad you thought this was going to be the end, but it's not. It's my beginning"