Michael Bay's Transformers is the weirdest stuff ever - surpasses David Lynch
So, they are making yet another Transformers movie.. holy heck!
I am absolutely dumbfounded by these movies! I get many things - I watched for hours those "flat earth" videos on youtube and felt less confused by those than after a Transformers movie.
Watching these movies, I am absolutely in awe how much of an gargantuan overcomplicated mess they are, and how much weird garbage is included into them. It's insane! Seriously, it would have been ultra-easy to write a sane script for a Transformers movie: Robot aliens (good/bad factions) come to earth and lay waste to everything. Basically Independence Day with robots. The end.
Now you might say: "Hey, that's exactly what the Transformers movie are, mindless explosions and actions". WRONG! That's the main problem with them: If it would be just corny action, I would be the last one to complain.
No, this crap with filled with myriad of ridiculous sideplots (drug-addicted dogs, weird daddy-issues, coming-of-age teen garbage), American Pie humour, weird SERIOUS WAR MOVIE/X-Files segments interspersed with jokes and on and on. The "robots beating each other to pulp"-stuff makes only like 5% of these stupid movies. The rest is pure ABSURDITY. Absurdity on a whole new level in cinema.
I especially "like" the military parts. Those are absolutely INSANE, because they look like they are lifted straight from Black Hawk Down, soldiers are screaming and dying, mayhem everywhere.. AND CUT TO ROBOT HUMPING A LEG. CUT TO CLICHED INDIAN IN A CALL-CENTER.
What the heck is the tone supposed to be of those scenes? Same with the "government conspiracy" stuff (The agency John Turturro is head of). They are filmed like something straight out of X-Files or 24, except for the American Pie clips cut between them (inane jones, fat nerd jokes, masturbation jokes, ing robots, you name it). It's as if in the middle of 24, Jack Bauer would pull his peener out, stick it into a pie and immediately afterwards torture a terrorist as if nothing happened.
I was absolutely in awe of the "Bumblebee captured" scene in the first movie. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. This was played like the standard "poor misunderstood being mishandled by the evil goberment" (you know, E.T., King Kong..) scene, complete with DRAMATIC music and a boy crying for his best friend ("BUMBLEBEEE!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Except that it's in a movie with ing (or ejaculating) robots! You know, for such a scene to work, the captured subject has to be endearing. E.T. was endearing, sexual deviants from space aren't. I watched the cartoon as a kid, and I am pretty sure the bots weren't creeps back then. The robots in these movie are the least sympathetic robots I've ever seen in a film! And a skilled film maker can easily make mechanical beings that you care for: I can vividly remember a movie by Wes Craven where a boy builds a robot and that robot gets destroyed by an evil neighbor with a shotgun. That scene was devastating! You saw how the boy was building that robot, how he made a bond with it etc. Another example: "Miracle on 8th Street". It's the one where cute little robotic UFOs help a bunch of people against their landlord. If you felt nothing when one of the UFOs was beaten up by a thug, then you're a heartless POS.
But the Bayformers? I couldn't care less if all of them would have been nuked, Autobots and Decepticons alike (which made the "they are people too!"-lines in the sequels really amusing). Except for some corny Optimus Prime speeches and inane one-liners by the other CGI-splashes, what stood out the most about them were their weird sexual innuendos: Urinating on humans (or maybe ejaculating on them, given given the "lubricating" reference), dry-humping the legs of humans, showing their testicles and bunch of other crap I probably forgot about. They -probed some people too much I guess and should be rotting in some space-alien-sex-offender prison.
Also, it absolutely didn't help that they looked like pieces of trash metal. Literally: Garbage. Somehow Michael Bay managed to make giant robots beating the living crap out of each boring, because you can't make out where one robot begins and the other ends. Them fighting looks as if 3D-Studio bugged out.
The best scene in all of this mad franchise was the glimpse of Cybertron in the first movie. That was awesome: Ten seconds of Robot war (with projectiles, so it didn't look that bad) with no fart-jokes and teen crap - that was the movie I wanted to see - where is it? Instead we got convoluted crap on a whole new level. My mind blurred after each movie, I had no idea what was happening after a while:
Dogs addicted to weed, masturbation, WAR, men in black, ancient prophecies, NASA conspiracy, cold war stuff, ancient civilisations stuff, politics talk, giant robots smashing pyramids with their huge balls, annoying parents, chosen one, military grunts accidentally walking into the wrong movie, every military/police/college cliche you can find, robot heaven, X-files, bleeding robots, senile robots, ghetto-hood robots, hackers, hot blonde hackers, fat nerd hackers, Mark Wahlberg's kids wanting to do each other, STUFF.
Too much garbage STUFF! Too much words in the script. Shooting a robot to well-made CGI bits and commenting it with "Hasta la Vista Baby!" is awesome - shoooting a robot trash can and talking about how your new underwear sucks isn't.
Sure, they are based on a toy-line and an 80s cartoon, but somehow it's possible to make a good film out of a invincible flying man shooting lasers from his eyes, but a story about a robot war just has to have drugged out mums running wild in college to make it work.
And all this filmed in ultra-hardcore ORANGE/TEAL too boot: Carrot people!
This franchise is insane. Some of it could very well fit into a David Lynchian "Black Lodge" and it wouldn't be too far out there, except that he is able to hit the right tone with his weirdness, in opposite to Transformers.
I am astounded how something like the Transformers movies were made. They are not corny action movies (the robot-action scenes make up only a tiny fraction of it) - They are a mess overfilled to the brim with WEIRD SENSELESS TASTELESS CRAP to unbearable extend. How could expert film makers greenlight this? And why are there so many sequels? It boggles my mind.
So, they are making yet another Transformers movie.. holy heck!
I am absolutely dumbfounded by these movies! I get many things - I watched for hours those "flat earth" videos on youtube and felt less confused by those than after a Transformers movie.
Watching these movies, I am absolutely in awe how much of an gargantuan overcomplicated mess they are, and how much weird garbage is included into them. It's insane! Seriously, it would have been ultra-easy to write a sane script for a Transformers movie: Robot aliens (good/bad factions) come to earth and lay waste to everything. Basically Independence Day with robots. The end.
Now you might say: "Hey, that's exactly what the Transformers movie are, mindless explosions and actions". WRONG! That's the main problem with them: If it would be just corny action, I would be the last one to complain.
No, this crap with filled with myriad of ridiculous sideplots (drug-addicted dogs, weird daddy-issues, coming-of-age teen garbage), American Pie humour, weird SERIOUS WAR MOVIE/X-Files segments interspersed with jokes and on and on. The "robots beating each other to pulp"-stuff makes only like 5% of these stupid movies. The rest is pure ABSURDITY. Absurdity on a whole new level in cinema.
I especially "like" the military parts. Those are absolutely INSANE, because they look like they are lifted straight from Black Hawk Down, soldiers are screaming and dying, mayhem everywhere.. AND CUT TO ROBOT HUMPING A LEG. CUT TO CLICHED INDIAN IN A CALL-CENTER.
What the heck is the tone supposed to be of those scenes? Same with the "government conspiracy" stuff (The agency John Turturro is head of). They are filmed like something straight out of X-Files or 24, except for the American Pie clips cut between them (inane jones, fat nerd jokes, masturbation jokes, ing robots, you name it). It's as if in the middle of 24, Jack Bauer would pull his peener out, stick it into a pie and immediately afterwards torture a terrorist as if nothing happened.
I was absolutely in awe of the "Bumblebee captured" scene in the first movie. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. This was played like the standard "poor misunderstood being mishandled by the evil goberment" (you know, E.T., King Kong..) scene, complete with DRAMATIC music and a boy crying for his best friend ("BUMBLEBEEE!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Except that it's in a movie with ing (or ejaculating) robots! You know, for such a scene to work, the captured subject has to be endearing. E.T. was endearing, sexual deviants from space aren't. I watched the cartoon as a kid, and I am pretty sure the bots weren't creeps back then. The robots in these movie are the least sympathetic robots I've ever seen in a film! And a skilled film maker can easily make mechanical beings that you care for: I can vividly remember a movie by Wes Craven where a boy builds a robot and that robot gets destroyed by an evil neighbor with a shotgun. That scene was devastating! You saw how the boy was building that robot, how he made a bond with it etc. Another example: "Miracle on 8th Street". It's the one where cute little robotic UFOs help a bunch of people against their landlord. If you felt nothing when one of the UFOs was beaten up by a thug, then you're a heartless POS.
But the Bayformers? I couldn't care less if all of them would have been nuked, Autobots and Decepticons alike (which made the "they are people too!"-lines in the sequels really amusing). Except for some corny Optimus Prime speeches and inane one-liners by the other CGI-splashes, what stood out the most about them were their weird sexual innuendos: Urinating on humans (or maybe ejaculating on them, given given the "lubricating" reference), dry-humping the legs of humans, showing their testicles and bunch of other crap I probably forgot about. They -probed some people too much I guess and should be rotting in some space-alien-sex-offender prison.
Also, it absolutely didn't help that they looked like pieces of trash metal. Literally: Garbage. Somehow Michael Bay managed to make giant robots beating the living crap out of each boring, because you can't make out where one robot begins and the other ends. Them fighting looks as if 3D-Studio bugged out.
The best scene in all of this mad franchise was the glimpse of Cybertron in the first movie. That was awesome: Ten seconds of Robot war (with projectiles, so it didn't look that bad) with no fart-jokes and teen crap - that was the movie I wanted to see - where is it? Instead we got convoluted crap on a whole new level. My mind blurred after each movie, I had no idea what was happening after a while:
Dogs addicted to weed, masturbation, WAR, men in black, ancient prophecies, NASA conspiracy, cold war stuff, ancient civilisations stuff, politics talk, giant robots smashing pyramids with their huge balls, annoying parents, chosen one, military grunts accidentally walking into the wrong movie, every military/police/college cliche you can find, robot heaven, X-files, bleeding robots, senile robots, ghetto-hood robots, hackers, hot blonde hackers, fat nerd hackers, Mark Wahlberg's kids wanting to do each other, STUFF.
Too much garbage STUFF! Too much words in the script. Shooting a robot to well-made CGI bits and commenting it with "Hasta la Vista Baby!" is awesome - shoooting a robot trash can and talking about how your new underwear sucks isn't.
Sure, they are based on a toy-line and an 80s cartoon, but somehow it's possible to make a good film out of a invincible flying man shooting lasers from his eyes, but a story about a robot war just has to have drugged out mums running wild in college to make it work.
And all this filmed in ultra-hardcore ORANGE/TEAL too boot: Carrot people!
This franchise is insane. Some of it could very well fit into a David Lynchian "Black Lodge" and it wouldn't be too far out there, except that he is able to hit the right tone with his weirdness, in opposite to Transformers.
I am astounded how something like the Transformers movies were made. They are not corny action movies (the robot-action scenes make up only a tiny fraction of it) - They are a mess overfilled to the brim with WEIRD SENSELESS TASTELESS CRAP to unbearable extend. How could expert film makers greenlight this? And why are there so many sequels? It boggles my mind.
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