Newton City Nonsense

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NEWTON CITY NONSENSE

The Nonsense To Read On Your Travels​

‘Come visit Newton City! Inconveniently located in LP 672-4, nowhere near Maia, somewhat out of the way for Synuefe and the Guardians, a dog-leg on a journey through the bubble, Palin has jumped to get further away and now completely out of the way for Chloe the Witch Head Nebula too!’*

“The place that launched a thousand ships”**

Excerpts from our roving reporters from around the Galaxy below:

Are Dolphins Safe? Do Dolphins Explode?

This reporter has been carrying out an investigation into the safety elements and implications of the Dolphin, a popular passenger liner enjoyed by all. Recently this reporter has noticed a large increase in numbers ‘just exploding’ in front of my very eyes! Are they safe to fly?

I interviewed a new Dolphin owning Commander who wishes to remain anonymous, he said “Yes of course you personally have seen an increase in exploding Dolphins, every time I buy a new ship you go out and ‘test their safety’ by, and I quote, “Probing them” with your so-called Benign Entity Assignment Module’ Lasers and you record it and play it back to me so I can see how ‘dangerous’ they are.”

This reporter ended the interview immediately and denies all knowledge of whatever this crazy person was rabbiting on about.

* Newton City Tourist Board ‘Delights of Newport City’

**(Admittedly most of them full of people saying ‘Get me the hell out of here and into civilisation’)
 

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(Reconstructed from audio recordings recovered later)

Hello, hello, testing, testing 123, is this working? Well if not Ill voice it later. Anyway I’ve been sent on a special mission to interview the Thargoids, something I am apparently uniquely qualified for, being ‘charming, a front-runner, a go-getter’ and what was the other one, ah yes ‘an expendable know-it all’. Whatever that means, think it means I don’t abuse expenses and always provide receipts. Anyway I digress, I'm near the site now, switching over to secure channel….

‘Mrs Thargoid, Mrs Thargoid can I just have a quick word?’
‘ ‘
‘Hello, er Queen Thargoid? Can you HEAR ME?’
‘ ‘
‘Hmm Ill try a scan, can you detect this I wonder?’ (noise of scan initiation then silence)

The reporter was found in an escape pod several days later, no sign of the expensive DBX they had been loaned, after several months therapy we managed to get the following statement

‘I go Honnnnnnnnnnnnnnk!, she go ‘MEERRGHAAARGH’, she do golden shower, golden shower, ship go shhhhh quiet me sleep now, me go aaargh, cold so cold, aaargh, eject eject eject eject!’

Well at least that’s one pension we won’t be paying and we got most back on insurance for the DBX so that's all good. Safe travels all and watch out for more Nonsense wherever you are.
 

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Stellar Unknown Finds Long(er) Route Home

The Expedition ‘Stellar Unknown’ has been travelling the Galaxy on a not totally direct route to Sagittarius A for the past 8 weeks. Last Saturday & Sunday they managed to make contact with the rumoured-lost expedition The ‘Longer Route Home’ after many attempts at contact in something called an ‘instancing chamber’.

LRH have been lost to civilisation for many moons on their epic journey back from the far side and we are all greatly reassured that most are safe and only have the expected level of Void Sickness, hearing voices and lack of shower facilities hygiene standards after all this time. There is safety in numbers it seems….although a fresh supply of Oxygen is advised especially inside ships if they take their helmets off. We wish them safe travels and have put a bottle of Lavian Brandy behind the bar for the first Cmdr home..

Despite their warnings about the dangers of deep space, strange lights and whispering planets, Stellar Unknown have continued on into the void.

NCN Reporter
 

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Aliens Probed My Ass!

Mrs Barnacle Carbuncle today lodged a formal complaint with the Federation authorities about the number of probes hitting her home planet. She said ‘These aliens (local slang for off- worlders) regularly come and fire probe after probe at the planet. Its bad enough when the so-called experts manage it in 4 but you get the ones who don't care or are just learning and its like dodging meteors and its just BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! from morning til night and second morning again, its ridiculous! Mr Centurion’s been hit in the greenhouse so many times times his cucumber’s gone soft and there's no more hair on his gooseberries! Old Agitator Jones’ rare breed Abyssinian As-s ‘Tinkerbell’ has been probed so many times its turned the milk into butter! Something needs to be done!’

The hearing will be held next Tuesday if anybody can actually hear what is being said.


Editor: ‘You really crammed that headline in there didn’t you? What did you do, come up with the title first and work backwards?’
NCN Reporter : ‘No comment’
 

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Letters Page

And I see we have received some record correspondence here at NCN Nonsense apart from the words sprayed on our front door. I see it took 4 robots and 2 lifting machines to get the post in today which amounts to, oh, just this one letter. Ah ha, perhaps a smaller envelope would be more appropriate next time.


“Dear Points Of View,

Why oh, why oh, spells yo-yo.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs Trellis,
North Wales”

Editor: Please let us know what you think or just by hiring monkeys to bash on the keys and leaving a message below, its got to be better than the tripe these Reporters produce.
 

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Tracking Down The ‘Abominable Swearman’

Ancient East European folk-tales tell of an Abominable Swearman living wild in the woods and scaring visitors. After many false trails I managed to track down the source of the stories in the ancient region known as Latvia, where he is known as 'The Yamiks'.

A mass of hair first greeted me followed by the most colourful and above all loud language that I had ever heard. Whatever it was it was ranting and raving using words that wouldn't score well in Scrabble. Mud and branches were flying through the air and I still couldn't see what was happening so I moved closer.

Eventually it became clear that the creature was searching through a forest heap and had managed to build a rudimentary spaceship cockpit out of branches. Muttering about ‘build quality’, ‘air vents’ and ‘cup holders’ in search of, if I understood correctly, the perfect build and something called immersion. (It might be a type of fungi).

Alerted by my presence The Yamiks became startled and rising up to his full height let loose a torrent of bowel spilling metaphors before disappearing into the overgrowth muttering something about ‘Exposed wires’ and ‘Gutamaya Styling my Asp!’ and then ending with a loud call aimed at me which I can only assume was meant to be ‘oo!’ and not the actual word I distinctly heard echoing round the hills for minutes after.

Next time I try and track the mythical creature known as the Ghost Giraffe if their lawyers don't contact me first.
 
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