Tales of Elite: Derp-erous. (Humor)

[Therinfluffs]

So, I figured we could all share the silliest moments we have had with one another in this massive universe of millions of players, npcs, stations, and so forth. Be them intentional or not, its always fun to share.

I personally have a few of my own to put out there I thought would be nice to share.


Day 1, literally less than 5 minutes after adjusting my controls and graphics settings I undock for the first time without exploding or ing someone off. I was streaming for my boyfriend at the time who was interested in the game but didn't have a computer capable of running it. I make my first FSD jump to another system, not realizing I would maintain my speed apon entry. I find this big pretty reddish-pink star and go 'ohwowholy<snip>' and just stare at it for a few moments, not realizing I was still accelerating. 'Whats that beeping noise?' I said out loud, not noticing my boyfreind snickering to me over skype before the FSD dropped out in that horrifying noise we all know and love and I start taking heat damage, screaming like a little girl over mic while I mashed the FSD button in pure panic, only to go back into the stars corona a second time.

I arrived at the station with 40% hull left on my starter sidey.



Day 'iplayedthegametoolongtorememberatthispoint'

I finally got a decently outfitted python over around the Quivira CG, the CG was about done and I was pretty burnt out on combat from it so I did some trading to settle down. Apon arriving with a shipment of beryllium to Godel dock I'm in the middle of entering the letterbox beside a player Anaconda. My cat decided to jump up on my keyboard, hitting the boost button. I wind up awkwardly wedged under them, taking about a minute for the two of us to pull ourselves apart with some awkward conversation in local about how I swear I wasn't ram trolling, the cat was. Thank god for SCB's being the that they are in 1.2.



Day 4 of python trading:

So I was doing the usual back and forth trading aside from this player pirate failing to interdict me a few times. I decided to have some fun with the guy. Hearing some un-confirmed rumor that colliding with certain commodities like explosives and chemical waste could do some hull damage to a ship, I bought several tons of either. I give into one last interdiction attempt from the pirate, who must of been new to the whole thing. Handling an adder with some rather crap power management on his part, since he seemed to have his ship shut-down apon deploying hardpoints. In local I simply tell them 'would you like to play a game?' as they fidget with their power management to get their ship running again. I immediately dump 10 tons of palladium, followed by ejecting another 100 tons of explosives and chemical waste before FSD-ing out. I may of wasted alot of CR but just the idea of what could of happened if the rumors were true was kind of hilarious.


The Day I stopped counting:

I have owned an anaconda for almost two weeks now, but the most memorable moment was when I learned it had the ability to 'drift' for an extended time. Being bored the pure derp that comes from being way too burnt out on trading to outfit that ungodly expensive vessel finally took over. I moved into solo mode and played a game of 'tokyo drift' with the station letterbox whenever I delivered goods there. Nothing without a shield was safe, there were hundreds of casualties. Somehow I never got a bounty from this ever. This became the sole reason I would play in solo mode aside from the fact WZ's and Bounty Hunting in a CG are painful if too many players are around hogging kills. I will still trade in open like a man.


Got any other silly stories you'd like to share of your Elite adventures? Go for it.

 

[Mal604]

since he seemed to have his ship shut-down apon deploying hardpoints.

I hate when that happens, its rather embarrassing.

'Fear me, I'm a mighty pira... Wait, who turned the lights off? Could you hold on a second please? Technical difficulties.'

 

[LeetNoob]

Once I was upgrading my Shield on my Asp to change from trading to a bit of Bounty hunting for a while.

I sold my A3 shields and installed A5 shields, all ready for combat I was on the way out of the station as an Eagle NPC or something was coming in. I'm the bigger ship so I just barged through, clipped off it a bit and scrapped the side of the letter box on the way out.
No big deal I thought, until all sorts of alarms were going off, canopy breached, hull integrity 12% etc. With oxygen running out, I managed to regain my composure, get out of the station, immediately turn around and request docking again. Had one of the most nervous dockings of my Elite career and then tried to figure out what just happened.

It turns out, I did not fit a Class A5 shield, I fitted a Class A5 shield cell bank, and left the station with no shields!
The worst part was the reason I ended up in a crash was because I was being a jerk to a smaller NPC ship. This was before repair costs were lowered too, cost me a fortune.

 

[RabidRich]

This one time, this ....guy I know, with a few hundred tons of um, untaxed cigarette filler, got his clipper engine caught on the wireframe whilst sneaking in past a python.
Got a "scan detected" message whilst unhooking himself, and in panic splattered his shieldless self all over the back inside wall of the station with the boost button.
He had a good few seconds before impact to savour the fact that he wasn't gonna slow down enough in time....

....and the best part is, he couldn't have sold the cargo in that station anyway. *RAGE*

 

[Darrett]

I've only been playing for a week or so, which means I don't have many yet... however:

The second time I was interdicted by a fellow CMDR (first time ended in being blown up in my slightly upgraded Sidewinder because I didn't have any cargo to give), I didn't know how to eject cargo without it being stolen goods. I'd managed to turn FA off, so I was madly spinning around spraying "illegal" superconductors everywhere. The other player was upset at first, and I thought I was in for another plasma bath, but I guess he realized that I must be new (Harmless, in Hauler, with only a half load on board of Superconductors... probably a good chance). Ended up getting all my cargo back and being told to fly safe, so no harm done... still made me look like a complete imbecile.

 

[Galvinar]

This one time, this ....guy I know, with a few hundred tons of um, untaxed cigarette filler, got his clipper engine caught on the wireframe whilst sneaking in past a python.
Got a "scan detected" message whilst unhooking himself, and in panic splattered his shieldless self all over the back inside wall of the station with the boost button.
He had a good few seconds before impact to savour the fact that he wasn't gonna slow down enough in time....

....and the best part is, he couldn't have sold the cargo in that station anyway. *RAGE*

Deploy Landing Gear, Remove pips from engines, (acts like Airbrakes) FA spin away from the back wall, pull landing gear, pips back to engines, boost away from the wall.
Difficult, for sure and maybe not enough time between boosts depending on how fast you end up going after 'un-sticking' from the letterbox, but may have saved ya the insurance screen.


The first time I got interdicted by a player I was in my stock Sidey.
Had no idea what a clipper was, and deployed my hardpoints thinking I stood a chance, and since he pulled me over I could show him what I thought about that and could give him a good show.
He lights me up, Less than 3 seconds later he was FSD'ing away, after blowing my drives and leaving me with 1% hull.
I sat there with This expression


For fifteen minutes or so Trying to see if the drives would magically come online. (this was before the reboot/repair option)
They didn't, and I had my first (and thankfully only) experience with the Self Destruct button.

 

[Thasarion]

I was bounty hunting in a viper, had just taken out an Anaconda, but he blasted my thrusters. I did not know about the repair/reboot function, and was forced to self destruct. While I was drifting after the kill, I was frantically turning on and off my engines. That will come into play later. I rebought and went to launch and continue hunting, but my thrusters did not work. I had no clue how to restart them, and I self-destructed again. As some of you guessed, I had turned off my thrusters when I was drifting, and that carried over to the new launch. A few weeks later, I found out that info, and I realized I was an idiot.


I did not do these next ones, but they are so funny I have to say them.
I was flying around doing the Diso CG with CMDR Del_Boy, and I asked what funny stories he had, as he was in an Anaconda, and had therefore been playing for a long time. Here are 3 of his stories that I found the funniest.

1. He was docking and an unfortunate vulture pilot went under him as he was going down. The vulture was caught under his Anaconda, and was slowly crushed to death under him. Del_Boy had no clue what was happening, and he was thinking, "Why can't I dock?" Later, I almost had the same fate while docking.

2. He was trading in a Type-9 and was on his way out as another Type-9 was coming in at the same time. Head on collision. They were jammed in the letterbox for a few minutes, but Del_Boy had stronger shields, and eventually the other Type-9 was destroyed. He unfortunately had a full hold of near 500 T of cargo, and that was scattered around the station, along with ship debris, clogging the port. He then had to slowly shove all that stuff out of the port to clear it.

3. This occurred during the Diso CG. He was coming in to dock and out of nowhere, a new sidewinder pilot came down and landed on top of the hull of his Anaconda, and was staring into the bridge like, "Hey, what you doing in there?" I had a side view and it was the most absurd thing I had ever seen in the game. I actually fell out of my chair because I was laughing so hard.

I hate when that happens, its rather embarrassing.

'Fear me, I'm a mighty pira... Wait, who turned the lights off? Could you hold on a second please? Technical difficulties.'

I once did that in my Vulture. I sped into an asteroid field and deployed hardpoints, and my ship shut down. As I was trying to get it back online, I drifted into an asteroid face first. All I had to say after that was, "Thank god for size 5 shields"

 

[Ellohir]

Yea... Asteroids... I was bounty hunting in my fresh bought fdl, i was so eager to buy it that i could only fit it with some pulse lasers, rest was stock, i was browsing my contact tab, saw an anaconda, targeted it and closed the tab just to realised that im few meters from a huge asteroid with around 250 speed, i only managed to put 4 pips to systems, didnt help thou. I crashed and died, ofcourse i didnt have money for
insurance, so i was back to free sidey with 11k credits... Painfull way to learn: ALWAYS have the money for insurance Luckily, now im back in an fdl and insurance cash is always there

 

[TaoZero5]

I do it almost EVERY TIME I get destroyed - I get a new ship, leave the hanger, launch . . . and immediately plough full on into whatever is in front of me because I FORGOT AGAIN to set the throttle to zero.

It's Embarassing!

 

[Uncle Natron]

I took my copy over to a friend to show it off, trying to recruit him. Brought my HOTAS and everything. Logged in, launched, but forgot to change the axes of my thrusters so had to try to fly out of the damn station with all my axes being off by 90 degrees. My mind simply couldn't translate the unfamiliar controls and I flailed about like a drunken idiot trying desperately to just get out. Friend had a laugh but was not impressed.

 

[Holven]

Not too long ago, in a remarkably familiar galaxy, I was having fun blowing up pirates in a RES. I had been there far longer than usual, was far more tired than usual and had the best of luck with pirates; 'condas, pythons, all those high paying ships. At some point i forgot I was flying in an asteroid field...

"Where the did that asteroid come from?!?" Luckily I bounced off it, with almost no shields... only to greet it's big brother with open arms. "So this is what it feels like to be in a pinball game." Scratch one Asp.

 

[Flavio]

I was carrying illegal goods so decided to sneak into the station in silent running mode, I got near the letterbox when I slowed down to realign myself but since I forgot to disable the autodock computer, that took over and started to move me further away at which point the security scan started so I boosted through the slot just in time and proceeded to dock and then the alarm went off. What was the alarm for? - landing gear down, check, am I at the right pad, check, oh no Im overheating - silent running still engaged. After paying for repairs I thought that the illegal goods would still give me a nice profit but no, I sold them for 1 credit less than I bought them for

 

[Grumpy181155]

Refitted my ASP with 3 x A0 Shield Boosters and 2 medium beam lasers (I already had 4 small beams fitted) and was interdicted by an NPC on my first cargo run. This is going to be good I thought so I submitted and then as I deployed my hardware, as has already been mentioned, the lights went out and 'deadly' ASP became a dead flying brick ASP.
.
I was forced to sell / downgrade some gear so I could fit a better power plant