In my youthful ignorance, I once believed we could change the past; revisit it in our minds and shape it to our will.
Perhaps, I felt, I could change my past, to lessen the reality of the present. To dull, if not erase, a world in which I was naught but a piece of furniture; a slave, an eye sore.
I believed it so deeply that I relived memories so traumatic I had buried them in layers of denial, guilt and self-loathing; all in a desperate attempt to make each day, in some way, bearable.
But nothing ever came of it.
The endings were always the same.
The past never altered.
And I was always a slave. Abused, emotionally and physically beaten, Mocked and derided.
Treated as less than human. For that's exactly what I was.
In my sessions I felt no relief, no cessation of the guilt and self-loathing I endured, believing that it was my fault -in some way- for being a slave; that I had done something wrong and this was my punishment. These sessions only seemed to aggravate old wounds and make my suffering that much more real, more palpable; almost to the point of suffocation.
In disgust, I walked away from the idea.
It would be some months before I'd come to realise that nothing would change, it could never have been otherwise and I was foolish for attempting to change my past. The past is immutable, it cannot be altered but I could learn from it, and it was my understanding that would change, not my past.
So I reentered my memories; studying, learning, understanding.
Doing so lead to my repentance.
It lead to my atonement for my crimes.
And it lead to forgiveness; both for the actions of my master, and my own actions against him.
But nothing erases the past.
I will always be a slave that brutally slaughtered his master and the master's wife and two young children but at least, now, there is no guilt or self-loathing. I no longer attempt to justify my actions, it is what it is. We are all the products of our own design and making.
The past is immutable, I have accepted this, I have learned from this.
Free from Imperial oppression and slavery, I live each day to the fullest. Without guilt. Without second guessing my actions.
Instead, I now contemplate the marvel that is existence, and rejoice that I am able to do so.
Perhaps, I felt, I could change my past, to lessen the reality of the present. To dull, if not erase, a world in which I was naught but a piece of furniture; a slave, an eye sore.
I believed it so deeply that I relived memories so traumatic I had buried them in layers of denial, guilt and self-loathing; all in a desperate attempt to make each day, in some way, bearable.
But nothing ever came of it.
The endings were always the same.
The past never altered.
And I was always a slave. Abused, emotionally and physically beaten, Mocked and derided.
Treated as less than human. For that's exactly what I was.
In my sessions I felt no relief, no cessation of the guilt and self-loathing I endured, believing that it was my fault -in some way- for being a slave; that I had done something wrong and this was my punishment. These sessions only seemed to aggravate old wounds and make my suffering that much more real, more palpable; almost to the point of suffocation.
In disgust, I walked away from the idea.
It would be some months before I'd come to realise that nothing would change, it could never have been otherwise and I was foolish for attempting to change my past. The past is immutable, it cannot be altered but I could learn from it, and it was my understanding that would change, not my past.
So I reentered my memories; studying, learning, understanding.
Doing so lead to my repentance.
It lead to my atonement for my crimes.
And it lead to forgiveness; both for the actions of my master, and my own actions against him.
But nothing erases the past.
I will always be a slave that brutally slaughtered his master and the master's wife and two young children but at least, now, there is no guilt or self-loathing. I no longer attempt to justify my actions, it is what it is. We are all the products of our own design and making.
The past is immutable, I have accepted this, I have learned from this.
Free from Imperial oppression and slavery, I live each day to the fullest. Without guilt. Without second guessing my actions.
Instead, I now contemplate the marvel that is existence, and rejoice that I am able to do so.
