Community Event / Creation Elite: Dangerous – Space Storm (working title)

[Cmdr Andy B]

in this thread you can see how the story develops, take part in plot discussions and read it as the story is written in first draft

this thread contains spoilers quite often so if you would like to read from chapter one without finding out what will happen in chapter 5 and spoiling the surprise follow the links below to read it on google docks



Chapter One

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0By0EN6Ul0XHDZkVmcGxEZXp6ZWs/edit

Chapter Two

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0By0EN6Ul0XHDNjdBMEliTkY2czA/edit



the rest of this post is how it all began




Inspired by all you wonderfully talented writers around here all brimming with great advice I thought I'd have a crack at my own Elite: Dangerous story (I was going to say novel but i'm thinking that may be a bit adventurous)

as you can see I've given it the working title of Space Storm, in the best traditions of writing I have no idea of the plot, very little insight into what will happen in the story and even less into the back story of the cast but I've dived right an and pumped out about 250 words that I'd like to share for your comment and suggestions

PS try and be gentle - it's my first time



Elite: Dangerous – Space Storm


The life support system fought against the heat engulfing the ship, screaming in protest at the barrage of solar radiation bursting forth from the blue giant.

Type O was not the kind of star they had in mind when they designed the fuel scoops of the Cobra Mk III, it’s searing intensity and unpredictable nature made ‘The Moody Blues’ as they were known a class of star that not even members of the Elite would considered refuelling from; if they had a choice.

The words of his old flight instructor ran through Hari’s sweat drenched mind as he sat eyes glued to the fuel gauge ‘Fill up on a G sweet as can be, fill up on an O to hell you will go!’

‘hell is what it feels like’ he thought as the fuel gauge slowly began to rise, ‘and how in this hell did I windup with a hold full of trouble and half the Galaxy on my tail?’

It had been a day like any other in the life of a trader, moving cargo around the core systems wasn’t the glamorous life of a frontier explorer but neither was it the hard regimented existence of a GalCop. Trading gave you the freedom to roam in reasonable safety and as long as you stayed to the main trade routes you were never far from the well-armed embrace of galactic law enforcement.

 

[Allen Stroud]

Move the third sentence up to make it the first sentence. This anchors your viewpoint immediately.

'A Type O'

I would use italics for thought if I were you. Whilst not considered a rule, this is a common usage in novels.

Hell is what it feels like, he thought as the fuel gauge slowly began to rise. And how in this hell did I windup with a hold full of trouble and half the Galaxy on my tail?

Extended vocalised thought is not a great practice, so, alternatively you could have the thought track muttered so:

‘Hell is what it feels like,’ he muttered to himself as the fuel gauge slowly began to rise. ‘And how in this hell did I windup with a hold full of trouble and half the Galaxy on my tail?’

The general rule of punctuating speech is that you have to finish the sentence with the anchor(as above) if the person speaking is doing something. If it's just a 'he said', you can comma and move on to the next bit of the spoken sentence.

Take care with where you are going in the last paragraph. If you are intending to go back over what got Hari here you'll lose the opening pace of your story.

Some exposition works okay, but generally in fiction, the flashback is a much more difficult beast to handle because you slip into telling the story not showing it.

Hope this helps.

 

[Darren Grey]

Have to agree with the anchoring thing. Start off with the character's perspective straight away. Try and get him talking, even if it's just to a computer. Try and get him to speak out some of the exposition stuff instead of narrating it. Imagine how it would be if you were writing a screenplay (just dialogue with minimal stage direction) instead of this story style. Dialogue is very important, especially in the first few pages.

 

[PaoloMariani]

Some exposition works okay, but generally in fiction, the flashback is a much more difficult beast to handle because you slip into telling the story not showing it.

And most flashbacks totally kill the momentum of the story. Avoid if possible, in my opinion. Is there a way to let us know what has happened without immediately sending us into the past? Many useful plot points can come from that, as the reader gradually understands the gravity (heh) of the situation.

 

[Allen Stroud]

And most flashbacks totally kill the momentum of the story. Avoid if possible, in my opinion. Is there a way to let us know what has happened without immediately sending us into the past? Many useful plot points can come from that, as the reader gradually understands the gravity (heh) of the situation.

Agreed. When you read a story that starts with the action and then backfills, you often think 'why didn't the writer start there in the first place?'.

Dan Abnett tries to use episodic scenes and flashbacks in a few of his novels by keeping the scenes 'as they happen'. The only problem with this is that it makes the reader very confused as to what happened when and in what order.

 

[Cmdr Andy B]

yea, can see what you mean about moving the third sentence up, gives it more of a splash and a bit of muttering instead of vocalised thought works a lot better.

your right in saying i had intended to go into a bit of flashback next to flesh out some of Hari's back story - but just a touch before jumping back to the action around the sun. kind of wrote myself into it starting the story in the middle, i think I'll go reread the dark wheel to get some idea's on dropping the back story in more gradually

Thanks for the advice

 

[PaoloMariani]

Dan Abnett tries to use episodic scenes and flashbacks in a few of his novels by keeping the scenes 'as they happen'. The only problem with this is that it makes the reader very confused as to what happened when and in what order.

Another Abnett fan, huh? I just finished his Eisenhorn trilogy. Some of his action scenes are immensely good. Which is nice, since those make up approximately 97 percent of his books

 

[Allen Stroud]

Another Abnett fan, huh?

Actually no, I hate his work. Picking up an Abnett novel is like rolling a dice. You get good ones and terrible ones. The hopping around completely throws me. His Horus Heresy stuff is usually the worst of the set (Alpha Legion).

However, the work he has done to establish the Black Library, encourage other writers and help with the structured history of WH40K in general is fantastic.

 

[PaoloMariani]

Actually no, I hate his work. Picking up an Abnett novel is like rolling a dice. You get good ones and terrible ones. The hopping around completely throws me. His Horus Heresy stuff is usually the worst of the set (Alpha Legion).

Good to know. I have no time for badly written books. Not much hopping around in the Eisenhorn things, so I guess he knows how to do it right.

 

[Allen Stroud]

I guess so. 'Horus Rising' was excellent and written by Abnett. Graham McNeil who wrote the sequel 'False Gods' is a great writer as is Sandy Mitchell (Commisar Cain series).

 

[Cmdr Andy B]

now now lads try and stay on topic please

done some re writes and a little bit more work on the story, a shade over 500 words so far and still going strong.

i decided against going right into a flashback to explain how he got there, as you guys said it would of spoiled the flow of the story somewhat. instead I've set up the future plot to give Hari a little breathing room and once the immediate action is over and the tension of the scene has faded somewhat I can then start chapter 2 with a dive back in flashback/daydream form and show how the story got to that point without breaking the flow.

In the best Elite traditions I've decided to use the fuel gauge as a countdown (or should that be count up?) to help build a bit of tension dark wheel styleie so at this point the sort of feed back I'm looking for is this:

does the count up as the fuel tanks fill WORK for you as a tension builder or does it just look silly?

does the imagery get across the heat and stress of the situation well or am i overdoing it in places?

Plot progression; is the story moving on at a fast enough pace to be engaging or does it drag over details?

and any editing suggestions as far as punctuation would be welcomed as i not be that good with stuff like commas and hapostriffeeze and things like

anyway, enough waffle, here are the re writes and latest installments

Elite: Dangerous – Space Storm

The words of his old flight instructor ran through Hari’s sweat drenched mind as he sat eyes glued to the fuel gauge ‘Fill up on a G sweet as can be, fill up on an O to hell you will go!’

0.4 light years

Farthest Star’s life support systems fought against the heat engulfing the ship, screaming in protest at the barrage of solar radiation bursting forth from the blue giant.

‘Hell is what it feels like’ he muttered as the fuel scoop engaged and the tanks started to fill, ‘and how in this hell did I windup with a hold full of trouble and half the Galaxy on my tail?’

0.9 light-years

Type O was not the kind of star they had in mind when they designed the fuel scoops of the Cobra Mk III, it’s searing intensity and unpredictable nature made ‘The Moody Blues’ as they were known a class that not even members of the Elite would considered refueling from; if they had a choice.

1.5 light years

‘Come on’ screamed Hari, his voice little more than a whisper over the roar of the ship fighting to compensate against the swirling maelstrom of hard radiation battering it’s all too feeble shielding.

1.9 light years

He checked the scanner; all too aware of how close he had come to being caught in the previous system. It would take his pursuers time to track his jump through hyperspace and knowing he had to refuel they would be searching the cooler stars along his route ‘nobody is crazy enough to fill from an O, they won’t be looking for me here – I hope’

2.5 light years

It was a six and a half light year jump to Leesti and reasonable safety, the pirates wouldn’t dare follow him to a corporate state controlled system so he would have a few hours, a day at most before the locals realised who he was and the precious cargo he carried.

3.5 light years

Fuel intake sped up as he broke through corona layer of the stars atmosphere, boiling fingers erupting in his wake torn from the surface by the magnetic flux of his engines as he past

4.9 light years

‘Fuel scoops at maximum intake’ warned the ships computer at the torrent of superheated plasma now pouring into the ships hyperspace tanks

6.1 light years

The ship bucked wildly, torn from its heading as every alarm in the cockpit went off at once. Hari’s eyes darted to the proximity detector as he fought the ship back on course straining against the solar currents threatening to drag him to his doom. ‘Is that a ship? Computer, identify all vessels in scanner range’ he shouted over the wall of sound filling the cockpit.

6.4 light years

‘Computer’ he hollered; ‘three vessels in scanner range, unable to provide IFF or class of vessel due to solar interference.’ he read the from the status screen, the computers soft feminine voice drowned by the roar of systems on overload. This close to a type O blue giant it could mean only one thing

‘they found me.’

To be continued.....

 

[Cmdr Andy B]

i was thinking of going on from there with a brief bit of hide and seek in the stars corona ending in Hari firing a missile in the direction of the three ships seeking him, maybe a bit of radio chatter through heavy static as by this time they will be able to see him as he will of moved to the outer layers of the stars surface with a 'you'll never get a missle lock this close to the sun type comment and the reply of 'I wasn't aiming at you' before the missile is detonated by the wake created in the magnetic flux of his engines with this in turn causing a solar eruption that engulfs and destroys his pursuit

once out of the stars atmosphere he has a quick 'phew' moment before he runs into three more ship who were waiting for him, the first three being sent in to flush him out.

a bit of dog fighting as he spirals away from the star to get enough distance to enter hyperspace, a few near misses and hits on already stressed shields ect and then away into hyperspace for the temporary safety of a corporate state system, maybe a little bit of stress at the other end of a jump made from so close to the star - possibly some mild physical effects of his ordeal like a head ache and shaking from the adrenalin come down and a minor complication caused by the jump of being a greater distance than normal from target and a lot of time on his hands to get some rest

chapter two

que flashback/daydream/dream to an earlier point to fill in the back story and add to Hari's motivation

that should take me quite nicely to chapter 3 when he arrives at Leesti station

 

[PaoloMariani]

now now lads try and stay on topic please

done some re writes and a little bit more work on the story, a shade over 500 words so far and still going strong.
.
.
.
To be continued.....

I like where this is going. I especially like "The Moody Blues" and the rule of thumb from his instructor - they bring the whole thing to life.

"Screamed" is a very strong word that stands out on the page. He should probably have a good reason to do that, especially since the last time he opened his mouth, he was muttering. On first read-through, it was a little abrupt to me. The tension built so far doesn't quite support it.

I would delete "precious" - it's unnecessary and takes away from the mystery of the cargo. We know it's important because it gets mentioned.

The countdown... hmm. I like the framing and urgency it provides. But it stands out like crazy. Would it work better if it didn't get its own line every time, but was tagged on to the end of the paragraphs?

There is much to say about the punctuation, but that's more of a secretarial thing

 

[PaoloMariani]

que flashback/daydream/dream to an earlier point to fill in the back story and add to Hari's motivation

Can I vote against that?
I just don't like flashbacks. Any chance you might give him a sidekick or a friend that he could somehow talk to? Good dialogue works okay for backstory, I find. But don't dish it all out at once.

 

[ozoli]

Great story so far.

Absolutely love the scene you have described. I remember many times in game trying to get that last bit of fuel in the scoops whilst under attack by pirates. Laser blasts hitting the shields, incoming missile alerts going off, and the fuel slowly rising to the level that would allow me to jump.

I liked the idea of a count-up (down?). For me however the tension did not quite reach the level of "oh shivers!" until the pursuers had arrived on the scene. By then the count was done. If the pursuers arrived earlier when the fuel was at say just under halfway I think that the tension could have built more rapidly. This approach could allow you to move your existing text earlier in the count-up to add more wordy bits between the counts. Might help make the count less distracting to the reader. For example 'they found me' could have occurred at the 2.9 light year mark with the preceding text appropriately distributed within the earlier count windows. The subsequent hide and seek in the corona could occur while Hari tried to suck the last few units of fuel into the ship. The 'I wasn't aiming at you' comment could occur just as the fuel level reached 6.5 light years.

I also found that by not stating the amount of fuel needed for the jump upfront may have contributed to a lag in the tension rising.

I mentioned something similar on Kate Russell's Mostly Harmless book thread about being able to weave these 'in-game' moments into a story and how it can really grab the reader's attention because they have been in that same circumstance before some 27 years earlier whilst playing elite as a kid.

Fantastic effort so far and I personally like to read stories that begin in media res.

Write on Commander... I'll be watching you :smilie:

 

[ozoli]

BTW, you really need to have a 4.2 light years count point!

 

[Cmdr Andy B]

Can I vote against that?
I just don't like flashbacks. Any chance you might give him a sidekick or a friend that he could somehow talk to? Good dialogue works okay for backstory, I find. But don't dish it all out at once.

there are many ways of doing flashbacks and moving the story in time, in the rough plot I outlined Hari will have time for a rest so I could do it as a dream sequence to enable me to show rather than just tell the story

hide and seek in the corona could occur while Hari tried to suck the last few units of fuel into the ship

loving that idea, going to be a ****** to write as the pirates motivation is not to destroy Hari but to chase him out of the sun so he can be taken in one piece and they don't destroy 'the cargo' (point noted)

For me however the tension did not quite reach the level of "oh shivers!" until the pursuers had arrived on the scene. By then the count was done. If the pursuers arrived earlier when the fuel was at say just under halfway I think that the tension could have built more rapidly.

yea, needs condensing more between fuel gauge readings to bring that final line forward in the count

BTW, you really need to have a 4.2 light years count point!

don't worry D A will get his tribute, I was thinking of giving Hari's grandfather a heart attack at 42 while he's out for a jog round the inside of a space station - or the spacers treadmill as he will refer to it

I also found that by not stating the amount of fuel needed for the jump upfront may have contributed to a lag in the tension rising.

good point, going to try and the timing a little, should bring that nearer the front as 2.5 ly in is a little late

Would it work better if it didn't get its own line every time, but was tagged on to the end of the paragraphs?

i think condensing the text may take care of that, we shall see

 

[Cmdr Andy B]

Can I vote against that?
I just don't like flashbacks. Any chance you might give him a sidekick or a friend that he could somehow talk to? Good dialogue works okay for backstory, I find. But don't dish it all out at once.

I've relented, when he gets to Leesti space station i'll give him a companion at some point in the chase around it - was thinking a hooker but that's a bit of a cliche, a refugee would feel too much like rewriting the dark wheel and i want to avoid it turning into a vengeance story for much the same reason

whoever i introduce she has to have a reason to run away but not an axe to grind so as to avoid dragging the story off on a tangent so maybe a criminal facing charges that she doesn't want to hang around for would work, nothing too serious or she would be in custody

the other option is to go the undercover operative route - someone put there by the organisation he is delivering the cargo for to help him out - bit complex as she would need a cover story to introduce them

I guess I'll have to see what happens next - cant wait to find out!

 

[PaoloMariani]

I guess I'll have to see what happens next - cant wait to find out!

Nor can I

 

[Allen Stroud]

I'm going to bow out of offering writing criticism on the open forum as I realise my life could end up sucked away into a blackhole!

I'm happy to help people that message me and I'll still post some general tips. I would strongly recommend making use of websites like Youwriteon and Autocrit to sharpen up people's writing.

Good luck!