General / Off-Topic Affairs of the heart

[verminstar]

Rant incoming...prepare yerselves...

Ive met someone who I simply cannot stop thinking about...first thing in the morning till last thing at night sorta deal. And oh boy she is beyond gorgeous...she is quite literally model material, perfect body and a very sharp mind and...I cant even put into words how absolutely stunning she is even on a bad day.

But...theres a problem...she lied about what her profession was and fer the first time in a very long time, its hurt me quite badly. Not only because she lied but because of what she does actually do...shes in the police. She told me she worked in an optician and I had no reason to suspect otherwise.

Now anyone who knows me would know I have no love fer the police...my family and meself have had many bad experiences with them including little threats and attempts to coerce information using methods that many would find extremely dubious. And now the girl of my dreams is one of them, although she doesnt know that I know...not yet anyway.

She would already know enough about my private life to literally sink me, but she doesnt know everything because Im naturally very careful about who I trust....fer reasons which are obvious to any who know me in real life...on these forums, I shall stay vague about those reasons. Im fairly sure shes not a spook as we have already gone a helluva lot further than any spook would go in the line of duty...that actually started within two hours of our first date. That attraction was mutual right from the start although why she would bother with a loser like me is anyones guess...we met on an online dating site and used to talk till 5 in the morning fer two whole months before we agreed to meet so this is not some rushed and sordid little affair. She was genuinely single as was I...a rare thing nowadays with about 60% of dating sites being married men and women...true story that but however.

So what do I do? Not only the lie itself, and fer all my faults in life, I do not like lies...but then theres also the fact shes a peeler. Now while I can accept that, someone like me could very well compromise her job with her superiors which is a place I just dont wanna go. The flipside being none of my real life friends would ever trust her and few would ever accept her into our little circle...also a place I dont wanna go.

Im a 46 year old man...married twice already, I know what love is...and I know now that I love her. And its tearing me apart inside. Im ranting to you lot cos nobody knows me here in real life so theres nothing to lose...I sure as hell cant talk to even me best m8 Stuarty...without going into specifics, he has even less love fer the peelers so Im between a rock and a hard place here. Reality being my life would be way easier if I fancied men all the time instead of just now n then.

So what do I do? Even my daughter loves her to bits, they been out shopping together, shared makeup tips and became my daughters bestie after me and the cat and the dogs. Thats the first time in 9 years she has really bonded with any of the girls I got semi serious with. The possible repurcussions are...depressing.

So what do I do? Im in a genuine pickle here...at my age, this sorta thing doesnt happen everyday...might be lucky if I ever have this feeling again...but how can I trust her if she cant trust me with a basic detail about what she does fer a living? I want to tell her everything about me...she knows Ive been to prison fer assaulting a police officer but theres so much more she doesnt know and Im scared...scared she will just leave when she finds out more.

So folks...what do I do? Call the whole thing off breaking my own heart and possibly hers and my daughters fer reasons which would be 'unspecified'? Theres gotta be an alternative cos I can barely think about that option without it catching my breath and giving me a pain in my chest that most 46yr old men would worry about. Feels like Im drowning.

Answer or dont answer...at the minute it just feels good to get it off me chest cos I got nobody else to talk to...not about this anyway.

 

[Ian Skippy]

I'd say go for it. There are excellent chances you'll end up feeling like crap no matter what you do, and this way at least you can say you gave it a good punt. Lying is not good, sure, but in this case I can kinda see where it comes from. She may have been just too scared to be honest about it from the get-go, thinking it would be an instant deal-breaker. Probably even would have been if you had known from the first minute.

 

[Galactic Midden]

A friend of my brother lied to his girlfriend. He met her when he was in New Zealand for a year. The lies were about his background and family. What I understand it was a pretty big deal. Why he lied I don't know the full story. He was part embarrassed, part stupid. She was not happy especially when things got revealed when she travelled back to the UK with him. They are now very happily married, have been for many years and live in NZ with two beautiful kids.

Love trumps everything I would say. Love and family. Honesty is absolutely required too though. How and when it gets established is a matter for those involved. Others will need to accept what happens if they are truly accepting of you, irrespective of someone's occupation.

Best of luck with it all, and perhaps try to avoid the unscrupulous goings on you hinted at too

 

[verminstar]

I'd say go for it. There are excellent chances you'll end up feeling like crap no matter what you do, and this way at least you can say you gave it a good punt. Lying is not good, sure, but in this case I can kinda see where it comes from. She may have been just too scared to be honest about it from the get-go, thinking it would be an instant deal-breaker. Probably even would have been if you had known from the first minute.

The thought had occurred to me she was scared of this very thing, but to have allowed it to get to this point...theres no way this could have stayed a secret indefinately. She doesnt know I know...not yet anyway...have toyed with the idea of not saying anything and just continuing as we are, but Im at the point where I want to move things into a more serious direction...I really really like this girl and thats not something that happens often.

Galactic midden...the unscrupulous aspects are as much a part of me as my daughter is. Its not something that can be avoided, not without a complete transformation of my life and even then, there are other factors. I have multiple sclerosis and the legal pain relief just doesnt work...so there are alternatives which do work but are illegal so avoiding that aspect means living in almost constant pain again which I can assure ye, Im not overly enthusiastic about. Lets just assume I havent actually bought any in over a decade and my supply is constant and free...more or less. Its a passion of mine the same as cars are a lifelong passion...or science fiction...its just not something I can avoid, not at this late stage.

Now she knows I take it but not where I get it and thats the issue. There are however some other even more complicated issues which are very difficult to discuss on this forum without incurring the wrath of the mods...that I leave to yer imagination but lets just say that my choice of pain relief is minor in comparison. Avoiding that which is unscrupulous just aint gonna happen Im afraid.

Its complicated...thing is I cant stop thinking about her and its doin me head in bigtime ^

 

[Stigbob]

Merry Christmas one and all.

 

[jasonbarron]

Verm, you've alluded to being involved in things that "could sink you" if the law found out. I don't know what that means, obviously, but if it's something of an illegal nature is it possible that law enforcement put her next to you for that reason? That would be my concern.

 

[StiTch]

Verm, you've alluded to being involved in things that "could sink you" if the law found out. I don't know what that means, obviously, but if it's something of an illegal nature is it possible that law enforcement put her next to you for that reason? That would be my concern.

I don't know anyone's country of residence here, but if Verm is from the UK, that's not how cops tend to operate unless he's been a very naughty boy indeed. I won't start throwing them praise, but at least ours don't employ the kind of tactics referenced often in media such as dressing up as hookers to catch out potential buyers of physical needs.

Unless we're speaking to a mass murderer here, I doubt we'd go as far as getting a cop romantically involved with a wacky baccie smoker to catch them out. It's just not how we operate.

It's a real goddamn toughie Vermin. If it's the kind of feeling you believe you may never experience again, one just does not dismiss that. Not at your stage, not at my stage, not at any stage.

That said having read your heart-rending account of why you don't celebrate xmas, I am if nothing else aware it leaves a certain someone in a bad position if you get stung, and should it work out you will - at some point or another - have to come clean. Hiding big things about yourself doesn't work out in a long-term relationship.

Firstly can you be entirely sure your source info on her true profession is indeed concrete? And secondly, how do you think you would feel in ten year's time if you didn't take the leap?

The answer for me is simple - I'd take the leap. But I don't want to speak for you.

You have my love man. You deserve some joy. If I could sacrifice my left love spud for you to be able to 'fess up to her and work it out for life, I would (ruefully) do it in an instant.

 

[GJ51]

So what do I do?

Become a three time loser...

 

[Patrick_68000]

If love is true and reciprocal, you will have the proof of its reality when everything will be said

 

[Chris Simon]

Heart doesn't have affairs. It just pumps oxygen around your body so you don't die.

Seriously though - Don't call it off because you think it "may not work" (whatever that is). Be straightforward. You have nothing to lose. It will either work out (then hooray) or it won't. In either case you're gonna know what's what and won't have to live with any "what-ifs"

 

[jasonbarron]

I don't know how to advise you, Verm, other then to say it's usually good advice to follow your heart. Good luck, my friend. I hope it turns out happily for you and your woman

 

[Aashenfox]

The telling of how this works out will happen when you talk to her about it. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. From that point on it's up to you, as others have said, err on the side of the heart, don't judge harshly, give life a chance. I have absolutely no love for them, but the police are just doing a job (some corruptly, some badly, but they are just trying to earn a buck to get by, and putting themselves in danger to do so).

 

[Bob Lighthouse]

Quite a pickle, or maybe not.
One of the smartest people I know told me,
"There is no reasoning to "affairs of the heart.""

I eventually fell in love with his daughter so I keep that one in mind often.


I have no real advice, but best wishes to you.
Life is short.
Sounds like she means a lot to you.

 

[jasonbarron]

The telling of how this works out will happen when you talk to her about it. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. From that point on it's up to you, as others have said, err on the side of the heart, don't judge harshly, give life a chance. I have absolutely no love for them, but the police are just doing a job (some corruptly, some badly, but they are just trying to earn a buck to get by, and putting themselves in danger to do so).

Well put, your sentiments about the police. My opinion is that without law and order we'd have chaos, and without police there is no law and order. The threat of the guy with the club is all that keeps the cockroaches from scuttling freely about.

 

[verminstar]

I don't know anyone's country of residence here, but if Verm is from the UK, that's not how cops tend to operate unless he's been a very naughty boy indeed. I won't start throwing them praise, but at least ours don't employ the kind of tactics referenced often in media such as dressing up as hookers to catch out potential buyers of physical needs.

Unless we're speaking to a mass murderer here, I doubt we'd go as far as getting a cop romantically involved with a wacky baccie smoker to catch them out. It's just not how we operate.

It's a real goddamn toughie Vermin. If it's the kind of feeling you believe you may never experience again, one just does not dismiss that. Not at your stage, not at my stage, not at any stage.

That said having read your heart-rending account of why you don't celebrate xmas, I am if nothing else aware it leaves a certain someone in a bad position if you get stung, and should it work out you will - at some point or another - have to come clean. Hiding big things about yourself doesn't work out in a long-term relationship.

Firstly can you be entirely sure your source info on her true profession is indeed concrete? And secondly, how do you think you would feel in ten year's time if you didn't take the leap?

The answer for me is simple - I'd take the leap. But I don't want to speak for you.

You have my love man. You deserve some joy. If I could sacrifice my left love spud for you to be able to 'fess up to her and work it out for life, I would (ruefully) do it in an instant.

Its not confessions of an axe murderer, nothing as fun as that can assure ye...its complicated but its nothing nasty like that. As fer just a bit of wacky backy now and then, thats another issue in thats its not just a bit now and then...its been habit since I was 14 and a passionate hobby in the last decade. She thinks its just the odd sly one now and then which as far away from the truth as it gets.

So anyway, thats an issue but not THE issue...what scares me the most is something that happened a long time ago and she knows Ive been inside...but not fer what. She didnt ask and I never volunteered it...she just seemed to go with the idea that this country was a different place back then and the conversation died a death before it went deep. One of those 3 in the morning Whatsapp convos bout this n that...just small talk sorta thing and she never pried fer more.

Im not the most law abiding role model citizens, but in the grand scheme of things, Im not worth the trouble of a sting from the spooks. Small time petty stuff, enough to make pocket money and keep a few friends who its wise to keep a good rapport with...nowadays my bark is worse than my bite and Im just a single parent who is disabled and unemployable...medically speaking, Ill probably never work again. And Ive lived on an estate which has a fairly notorious reputation fer the past 20 years...I grew up in an estate which was much worse...true story I have no idea who my real father was, but the man who took his place had a mean right hook and a terrible addiction to gambling. Im the result of a one night stand...mum a naive and impressionable schoolgirl and the dad a soldier from the local barracks.

Thats where I come from...and she accepts that without question. She came from a very different background...a world away from the streets of Belfast in the 70s and 80s...and the 90s.

But however...lets not dwell on that too long...its bordering on the dreaded taboo of the 'political'

Its just at that point where a friendship is becoming a relationship and I dont want any secrets between us at this point. I just dont wanna mess it up like Ive messed everything else in my life up. I dont even care shes a peeler...its what she does and the peelers have changed since my dealings with them. Not the RUC anymore, they were...different...hmm...less said the better...

Yer a cool audience fer this rant of mine...its hard to talk about this with real life m8s because of what it is...happy xmas cmdrs ^

 

[Bob Lighthouse]

One more thing, you're only responsible for your own actions and thoughts.
Can you get over the lie?
I don't want an answer, and I can think of many reasons why one might say yes or no.
But if you absolutely don't have that in you at least be honest with yourself.
That said, everyone lies.

 

[verminstar]

One more thing, you're only responsible for your own actions and thoughts.
Can you get over the lie?
I don't want an answer, and I can think of many reasons why one might say yes or no.
But if you absolutely don't have that in you at least be honest with yourself.
That said, everyone lies.

I can...if Im honest I really dont care what she does. I can understand why she did it...because of this very reaction because she knew I was a bit naughty from time to time. How do I even bring it up that I was checking up on her? These things tend to escalate when lies fall apart which is why I wanna have no more lies and secrets...I know what lies do to relationships and Ive been married twice already...Im not gonna get many more rolls of the dice and its not like I got a whole lotta great future prospects ahead of me. The disease I have is degenerative and there is no cure, only management...sooner or later it will get worse...thats pretty much inevitable.

Perspective. I really have nothing left to lose apart from my daughter, and shes growing up...somewhat...but one day she will go make her own mistakes so what do I have to look forward to? I wont have her caring fer me...I simply wont allow that to happen because reasons.

Anyway...Im gonna go fly a spaceship fer an hour and turn in, busy day tomorrow. Be good...and if ye cant be good then be good at whatever ye do ^

 

[Necronaught]

I wouldn't blame her for lying about being an optician. She clearly has had negative experiences coming clean about her true profession, while dating. Spooks on the other hand will go to any lengths. There was a famous case in the 80's with spooks that infiltrated an activist group https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2012/jan/20/undercover-police-children-activists

Tread carefully. Who knows what agenda you have slipped into?

 

[verminstar]

I wouldn't blame her for lying about being an optician. She clearly has had negative experiences coming clean about her true profession, while dating. Spooks on the other hand will go to any lengths. There was a famous case in the 80's with spooks that infiltrated an activist group https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2012/jan/20/undercover-police-children-activists

Tread carefully. Who knows what agenda you have slipped into?

Nah never gonna happen...thats just paranoia and heres the reason. We were very passionate from the word go...spooks have done that in the past but nowadays its frowned upon because when details come out in court, the cases inevitably fall apart and the prosecutions case literally dissolves. They are simply not allowed to use those tactics in this day and age.

I am a member of a particular group who are trying to have the law changed, but its not an illegal group although most of us have been busted in the past. The peelers already know everything there is to know because we dont hide what we do...in fact the more publicity our campaign gets, the better. The likes of drawing 50ft letters on the side of a mountain sorta stuff that read '420' and having public meetings where we gather in large peaceful groups and smoke in public and dont hide the fact because we dont feel theres anything to be ashamed of.

Theres just nothing serious enough to justify it...most of my sins are in the past when things were very different here. The country changed as did most of us who lived through it...I threw all my support behind the good friday agreement because I dont want my children to ever experience what I experienced...even though at the time, I didnt have any children.

Anyway...shes coming here tomorrow fer dinner with with me and me mammy and sister who are coming down from the country fer the day...whatever the future has in store can wait till after xmas cos to throw that spanner into the gears now at this late stage would ruin xmas fer more than just me. Im not a huge fan of xmas but its not just about me, so fer now Ill bide me time and see what happens after the madness is done and dusted ^

 

[Adept]

Hi Verm.

I assume the lady is roughly in the same age bracket as you, meaning that neither one of you are foolish kids.

If she is indeed a police officer she is likely to be fairly conservative at heart, politically and socially, so you should have things in common there.

Police forces tend to be behind the times, socially, and it's unlikely to be the easiest place to work for any woman. She may well need to be a little better at it than the blokes, and still be looked down on by some of her peers.

What I'm trying to get at is that no matter how attractive she is, it may not have been the easiest thing for her to find a romantic partner. I don't see why she wouldn't be quite into you, attraction is a curious thing (says the biologist).

Just go into it openly, accepting that things can go south. Be as honest with her as you can manage. It's possible that this will take you to very different places in life. It could even be for the better.

Good luck man. We don't always see eye to eye, but I hope you'll be happy.