General / Off-Topic Affairs of the heart

[CMDR Cosmic Spacehead]

My best advice.

Be honest. There is literally no point building a relationship upon deceit. It'll only fall apart later on.
If neither of you are willing to do that, that the relationship is doomed.
Talk, about everything (at a suitable time). Get any deal breakers uncovered early.

That said, don't back out without good reason, and don't make reasons up. No "what ifs"... Nothing is certain.
People can pick up on all that negative thinking.
No one likes a doom sayer. Just look around the forums... Lol

The past is the past. Don't dwell on yours, hers, or anyone else's history. What's done is done, what matters is who you/she/they are now, and want to be in the future.

As for the general feelings about the police, there's a lot more good ones than bad ones, and they are heavily outnumbered by criminals.
The fact that someone is willing to risk their lives for the general public, is a good thing.
Give her the benefit of the doubt.

I have more advice, but I'm bordering on "I should take my own advice" now, and need to bail on his thread.

Good luck!

CMDR Cosmic Spacehead

 

[Arry]

I may have missed it, but you didn't say where she was from. If she is local to you; then I can understand her need to hide her occupation, almost as much as you would be courteous of your past and associations. Especially in your part of the world, with it's troubled past. All sides have skeletons, they would prefer not to think of etc..

I would say that when meeting strangers, with a view of romantic link-ups, police officers, across the country, would be careful about disclosing their jobs; especially the females. Us males, tent to have been naughty every now and then and to have a female give us the smile and then say they are a police officer; is not the best way to get things rolling. This also applies to tax collectors, prison officers and a dozen more professions.

You have lumbered, you and yours, hook line and sinker; my advice, is make the most of it, the best of it. No one has the perfect starts and as long as you can be open and honest with each other; all should be well.

 

[daman]

I don't know anyone's country of residence here, but if Verm is from the UK, that's not how cops tend to operate unless he's been a very naughty boy indeed. I won't start throwing them praise, but at least ours don't employ the kind of tactics referenced often in media such as dressing up as hookers to catch out potential buyers of physical needs.

Unless we're speaking to a mass murderer here, I doubt we'd go as far as getting a cop romantically involved with a wacky baccie smoker to catch them out. It's just not how we operate.

really?
google bob lambert.

 

[Bran Tse Mallory]

I've had to ponder this one for a while Verm and after several bottles of the Scottish stuff all I can come up with, besides carrots, is that honesty is the key to a long relationship. That being said I can see why she may of been nercous about telling the truth as she may of had a bad time due to this in the past.

I don't need to tell you that the real key to happiness is compromise on both sides and the ability to forgive and move on.

Maybe sit down with her one evening and have a chat about how she would feel if she found out you were a 'naughty boy'?

Either way, glad to hear somethings put a spark back into your life!

 

[Arnoldo]

Minor two-penneth - not uncommon for police to be reticent about divulging their occupation or to misdirect (lie) at the start of a relationship. Whilst many don't have a problem with the police, the sentiment isn't universal... You may have simply been unfortunate and been on the wrong end of her standard defence mechanism..

Not too late to bring it into the open and, if its what you both want, to move past it.

The question of the weed (use and source) is something to address once the honest foundations are in place..

 

[Ca$hback]

Got no advice. Got no empathy. Got tons of sympathy lying around because it's not very useful.

That's rough. An ugly situation. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

The first casualty of passion is reason. I would maybe suggest a dispassionate approach. Put on you armor, lay it all on the table, leave the decision in her hands. Be prepared for massive disappointment. I imagine you're no stranger to pain yourself, it just sucks when your situation can hurt an innocent bystander (your daughter).

Again, best of luck and Merry Christmas!

 

[verminstar]

I may have missed it, but you didn't say where she was from. If she is local to you; then I can understand her need to hide her occupation, almost as much as you would be courteous of your past and associations. Especially in your part of the world, with it's troubled past. All sides have skeletons, they would prefer not to think of etc..

I would say that when meeting strangers, with a view of romantic link-ups, police officers, across the country, would be careful about disclosing their jobs; especially the females. Us males, tent to have been naughty every now and then and to have a female give us the smile and then say they are a police officer; is not the best way to get things rolling. This also applies to tax collectors, prison officers and a dozen more professions.

You have lumbered, you and yours, hook line and sinker; my advice, is make the most of it, the best of it. No one has the perfect starts and as long as you can be open and honest with each other; all should be well.

Ill be honest right now and say I didnt expect that many replies on this...its more a rant than a thread with a topic. Shes english born and bred but moved here with her first husband...after that failed she decided to stay because her new life was here. She joined the police during the big recruitment drive they had after the RUC was disbanded and became the PSNI some years back. And shes younger than me but only by a couple years.

Something did occur to me that because of her job, she could very easily have checked my background and might already know that which Im afraid of her knowing. Its nothing like making bombs or shootings, nothing so serious perhaps...I was done fer assault on a police officer...long story Im an innocent man I swear it. I was trying to break up a fight between the bouncers and me m8 when someone grabbed me from behind...I reacted with instinct and sent me elbow into his face not realizing it was a peeler. Before I knew what was happening, there were several of them on me and that was the end of that. On my daughters life I didnt know it was a peeler...but thats not how things worked back then and they threw the book at me.

She doesnt work in belfast, her station is in a relatively quiet suburb where nothing really happens. But thats all I know is where and that she doesnt wear a uniform...so Im fairly sure shes not a foot soldier. But thats me just guessing now. Drives a nice car too...not the type of car a beat cop could afford...that was actually our very first online chat, about cars of all things as its a shared passion. And after all that I still dont feel I know very much about her at all but I do believe that she likes me as much as I like her. Hard to describe how...but at no point have I ever thought she was just playing along or play acting...I would have dropped her instantly because to mess me around is one thing, but to mess me daughter around too, and the wee lady loves her to bits and that is exceptionally rare considering shes autistic and normally doesnt take well to anyone so easily.

And as fer Bran...m8 usually after several bottles of the good stuff, the first thought that ran through yer mind was carrots? If yer real life first name isnt Jasper, then I suggest seeking the help of a professional cos thats just wrong on all sorts of levels

And ye...fer the first time in a very long time...Im happy...and scared Ill mess it up somehow. I have lifelong issues with authority and hate being told what to do by anyone...add in a contrary nature and it means a lifetime of near misses with the law. I only stuck at my old job because there was only one other guy above me and he was one me best m8s fer years before I started working fer the guy. Im scared of messing up just by being me...if that makes sense.

Whatever...shes coming here at 4 and in about an hour me tramp of a sister will arrive with me ma. Daughter is goin to her other grans fer a few hours later after we prize the vodka bottle outta me mas clutches and me sister goes back to whatever, she and me dont really get along so well but its xmas and me ma cant drive so...we can have a few hours to ourselves later. This will be the first time we have been alone in this house...so yeah...I think we need to have a wee chat. I think sooner rather than later because I think the air needs to be cleared...fer me own sanity if nothing else.

Rep all around guys and happy crimbo to ye...Im not normally a fan of this time of year...but things are different today...stay safe cmdrs ^

 

[jasonbarron]

This is serious Days Of Our Lives stuff, Verm. Don't just go and leave us hanging. We need updates, preferably in real time!

 

[ianw]

Regardless of what she held back it's probably best if you level with her about what happened and if you were convicted - if you two do get involved she might have to declare her involvement with with you if you have a prev conviction.

If she doesn't do that and it comes out then she might end up in the poop.

Good luck!

 

[Bob Lighthouse]

And ye...fer the first time in a very long time...Im happy...

This part really stands out to me.

Know there is some guy on the most remote landmass on the planet, wishing you the very best.

o7

 

[verminstar]

This is serious Days Of Our Lives stuff, Verm. Don't just go and leave us hanging. We need updates, preferably in real time!

She already knew haha...hmm...I was right shes not just a street cop either, she some sorta researcher connected with forensics. She rarely leaves the lab, wears a white coat and goggles and thats literally all I heard. She was the one who came to me first and asked if we could have a serious talk later...and yep she already knew about me, but as it was more than 20 years ago...everyone has a past and Ive kept me nose more or less clean since.

Not all sunshine and roses though...she knew about my past but not my present gardening hobby. Her first words were...'So thats why theres no heat signitures'...technically speaking its one the most professional setups shes came across and told me that had I not had MS, she would have dropped me instantly because of what she saw. The fact I do have MS had her inspecting everything in what I would describe as a grudging admiration...she was very impressed with the technical aspect because of the lengths taken to keep it ultra discreet and completely hidden even to my own daughter.

We fine...very much so in fact but both of us really need to make some compromises. What happens between us stays between us even when it goes against what we believe. I sat till 5 this morning working out everything I can walk away from over the next 12 months and ye know what? I think if we still together in 12 months that itd be easier just selling the house and going somewhere where nobody knows us.

Biggest surprise being, that was my daughters idea and I find meself in total agreement...Ive never really sat back and thought about this and just assumed I didnt need to change...but I do. Some things need to be walked away from...and thats all Ill say about that.

Theres also the part where she could get into bother with her job if some stuff came out, so we have agreed to keep things low key until such a time where its not as much of an issue. But shes the one...I wanna grow old with her...disgracefully if possible...but thats another story fer another time

Found out some things about her too...she cant have kids, that being the reason her first marriage broke down and why she still has the body to die for. Theres a reason why she cant concieve, but Ill refrain from sharing that...some things are just best left unsaid.

Anyway...its all out in the open now, all the juicy stuff anyway and we survived it. She was terrified I wouldnt like her, could see it on her face when she told me because shes had bad reactions in the past and one the other things she likes is...stereotype all ye want but she likes a bit of rough as opposed to suave and sophisticated, so the guys she was going for were inevitably the bad boy element which is why she created a whole new persona of being someone she wasnt in an effort to be accepted. She could literally have any guy she wanted but she wanted guys who were the complete opposite of her to the point where her co workers call her the ice queen and they think she prefers women...thats so they stop hassling her to go out with them.

That bit made me giggle actually...I got a punch in the arm because she was being quite emotional telling me that...took a minute to assure her I wasnt laughing at her...badly timed giggle on my part but it does have a funny side to it. Funny because I can tell ye, shes not even close to ice queen status...shes...ye some things best left unsaid...very broadminded...ye thats enough of that.

We cool...and Im happy...happier than Ive felt in a long time. And it just happened when I wasnt looking fer it. So theres an update with a happy ending...but like I said, we gonna keep things low key fer a bit...we both have things to lose and we both have compromises to make fer each other if this is gonna work...but...I love her. I havent told her that yet but I think she already knows...and I think she does too but she is actually quite nervous so now is just not the right time. Cleaning up my life is a bit ambitious but I can certainly tidy up a few loose ends...and she is so worth it.

So happy crimbo guys...if yer even half as happy as I am right now then its a good xmas indeed...take care all ^

 

[znôrt]

I'd say go for it. There are excellent chances you'll end up feeling like crap no matter what you do, and this way at least you can say you gave it a good punt.

i'd go with this excellent advice, vermin.

you yourself reckon: "but she doesn't know everything because Im naturally very careful about who I trust". give her the same margin. yes, she lied. we all do it all the time, just ask yourself if this is such a big issue and outweighs the positives. also, now you know.

also, bud ... you'll have your very own infiltrator. think about it!

 

[Arry]

She already knew haha...hmm...I was right shes not just a street cop either, she some sorta researcher connected with forensics. She rarely leaves the lab, wears a white coat and goggles and thats literally all I heard. She was the one who came to me first and asked if we could have a serious talk later...and yep she already knew about me, but as it was more than 20 years ago...everyone has a past and Ive kept me nose more or less clean since.

Not all sunshine and roses though...she knew about my past but not my present gardening hobby. Her first words were...'So thats why theres no heat signitures'...technically speaking its one the most professional setups shes came across and told me that had I not had MS, she would have dropped me instantly because of what she saw. The fact I do have MS had her inspecting everything in what I would describe as a grudging admiration...she was very impressed with the technical aspect because of the lengths taken to keep it ultra discreet and completely hidden even to my own daughter.

We fine...very much so in fact but both of us really need to make some compromises. What happens between us stays between us even when it goes against what we believe. I sat till 5 this morning working out everything I can walk away from over the next 12 months and ye know what? I think if we still together in 12 months that itd be easier just selling the house and going somewhere where nobody knows us.

Biggest surprise being, that was my daughters idea and I find meself in total agreement...Ive never really sat back and thought about this and just assumed I didnt need to change...but I do. Some things need to be walked away from...and thats all Ill say about that.

Theres also the part where she could get into bother with her job if some stuff came out, so we have agreed to keep things low key until such a time where its not as much of an issue. But shes the one...I wanna grow old with her...disgracefully if possible...but thats another story fer another time

Found out some things about her too...she cant have kids, that being the reason her first marriage broke down and why she still has the body to die for. Theres a reason why she cant concieve, but Ill refrain from sharing that...some things are just best left unsaid.

Anyway...its all out in the open now, all the juicy stuff anyway and we survived it. She was terrified I wouldnt like her, could see it on her face when she told me because shes had bad reactions in the past and one the other things she likes is...stereotype all ye want but she likes a bit of rough as opposed to suave and sophisticated, so the guys she was going for were inevitably the bad boy element which is why she created a whole new persona of being someone she wasnt in an effort to be accepted. She could literally have any guy she wanted but she wanted guys who were the complete opposite of her to the point where her co workers call her the ice queen and they think she prefers women...thats so they stop hassling her to go out with them.

That bit made me giggle actually...I got a punch in the arm because she was being quite emotional telling me that...took a minute to assure her I wasnt laughing at her...badly timed giggle on my part but it does have a funny side to it. Funny because I can tell ye, shes not even close to ice queen status...shes...ye some things best left unsaid...very broadminded...ye thats enough of that.

We cool...and Im happy...happier than Ive felt in a long time. And it just happened when I wasnt looking fer it. So theres an update with a happy ending...but like I said, we gonna keep things low key fer a bit...we both have things to lose and we both have compromises to make fer each other if this is gonna work...but...I love her. I havent told her that yet but I think she already knows...and I think she does too but she is actually quite nervous so now is just not the right time. Cleaning up my life is a bit ambitious but I can certainly tidy up a few loose ends...and she is so worth it.

So happy crimbo guys...if yer even half as happy as I am right now then its a good xmas indeed...take care all ^

Nice to see that everything is going so well. Now that she has got you past the; 'By the way, I am a copper', telling you that she used to be a man, should be no problem at all.

Have fun and enjoy the smiles.

 

[jasonbarron]

All's well that ends well! Glad to hear you guys got that all sorted out, Verm. Now go have as much fun as humanly possible

Merry Christmas everybody!

 

[Adept]

Verm. If a smart, attractive person like that is willing to leave those troubled grounds with you and start over somewhere else, go for it! It's the best possible way to let go of any baggage and old grudges.

Build a new life with her, be the best person you can be and all that. Sounds really good for your kid as well.

 

[Patrick_68000]

Excellent ! Verm. Fly safe for 2018. Nothing resists love

 

[verminstar]

Verm. If a smart, attractive person like that is willing to leave those troubled grounds with you and start over somewhere else, go for it! It's the best possible way to let go of any baggage and old grudges.

Build a new life with her, be the best person you can be and all that. Sounds really good for your kid as well.

Shes smart alright...helluva lot smarter than me on my best day. I will say one thing though...her accent is completely and utterly destroyed. Theres some people who manage to keep their accent in another country fer most their lives...not her. Its a bit strange in that its got an american twang to it...subtle...the little things most people miss...sometimes dont even know whats shes on about, I just love the sound of her voice. Its like shes making love to my eardrums...its when I say things like that, she laughs out loud and says something I wont repeat to you lot

Ye made a reply earlier, just wanted to say...no we dont always see eye to eye but Id get bored if we did. Most of us have locked horns at one point or another, sent insults at, called dumb...subtly in stealth mode cos the mods dont allow ye to just say it straight out bloody killjoys. Some of us have complained about each other, moaned about each other, made fun of each other, mocked each other, complimented each other, backed each other up, repped each other and blocked each other...its all good.

And yet here we all are...well most of us anyway. Off topic has always been just a bit more personal, a bit sharper and one needs a somewhat thicker skin than on other parts of the forum. We all have our differences but thats neither here nor there on the internet...think how boring it would be if we all agreed on everything. And besides...life is a journey of many twists and turns, and occasionally a few wrong turns and if nothing else, she has shown me how wrong I can be about people and about how I regard meself.

I love the fact life can still surprise me at 46...young enough to enjoy a bit more and old enough to know how to. So ye take care yerself m8, drink up, smoke up whatever floats yer boat and health tae enjoy

 

[Pyrotiger]

This thread was a surprise and a half! I hate the peelers, and always will, to me they're still all ole RUC pigs no matter how they rebrand themselves and I've seen firsthand what they can do. Once you experience the worst of their 'service' your life will never be the same again. I'll keep my stories to myself. The only excuse I can give them were, given the situation, many never learned to actually police properly, as they became in reality an army support unit.

First instinctive reaction I had was for you to drop her like a stone. However, she isn't a frontline pig, it is nearly 2018 not 1998 I tell myself firmly, and if you're happy then so be it. I just hope she doesn't rat on you over the gardening if things go sour. It's a gamble, but what relationship isn't? Fingers crossed for you.

 

[verminstar]

This thread was a surprise and a half! I hate the peelers, and always will, to me they're still all ole RUC pigs no matter how they rebrand themselves and I've seen firsthand what they can do. Once you experience the worst of their 'service' your life will never be the same again. I'll keep my stories to myself. The only excuse I can give them were, given the situation, many never learned to actually police properly, as they became in reality an army support unit.

First instinctive reaction I had was for you to drop her like a stone. However, she isn't a frontline pig, it is nearly 2018 not 1998 I tell myself firmly, and if you're happy then so be it. I just hope she doesn't rat on you over the gardening if things go sour. It's a gamble, but what relationship isn't? Fingers crossed for you.

And people wonder why we hate them so...hated by both sides too which was an achievement in itself...we hated them more than each other. Theres nothing like the feeling of being flanked by 4 peelers in full body armour armed with automatic glock smgs...fer a driving offence. Oh I can tell ye a few stories about police brutality that make the yanks look like amateurs because it wasnt random...it was state sponsored so they literally had permission so long as they excercised some self control and didnt kill ye while in custody. The trip from arrest to cell...well thats a bit of a grey area...back in the mid 80s they would beat ye in the meatwagon before dumping ye out the back door in a republican estate fer the locals to have some fun with ye.

Yes boys and girls, it really did happen...which is why we are so difficult to deal with because to this day, many english claim it didnt happen at all...but it really did and they not only allowed it, they encouraged it.

Good thing I dont hold grudges hmm? I stopped holding grudges in 98...think 20 years is enough? Not her fault, she was in primary school in some Kent village while this was going on...that perspective keeps my feet on the ground so to speak...times were different...we were different...moving on takes time but eventuallt we do move on...well, most of us do anyway.

Happy new year...dunno what side yer on, dont care...happy new year anyway ^

Oh and she wont tout...partly cos I know where she parks her pride and joy every night and partly because we talked about it like mature adults and came to an understanding. At the level I do it, it falls below the legal requirements of section 6 of the law...without going into specifics, it means Ill get done fer personal use only and not intent to supply...as the man said, this aint my first rodeo ^

 

[daman]

Yes boys and girls, it really did happen...which is why we are so difficult to deal with because to this day, many english claim it didnt happen at all...but it really did and they not only allowed it, they encouraged it.

this is standard fare for the English - deny all culpability for their colonial crimes. not taught in school. not talked about in the mainstream except rarely and mostly excused.

hope it works out for you.