General / Off-Topic Bad Jokes thread.
- Thread starter Noobilite
- Start date
How can you tell the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing Sings, but Walt Disney
What does a guy with 7 wives have?
6exes
There are no fish, under the ice.
Two guys are out on the ice. Both are hungry, it's cold and it's dark. One of them suggests they might starve to death and, as they haven't got a tent, best thing would be to cut a hole in the ice and do some fishing. All he has is a small penknife and the ice is three feet thick but having no choice friend agrees and they start to take turns chipping a hole. Then on the cold wind, comes a booming echoing voice, "There are no FISH under the ice"
Your man stops chipping. "Did you hear something? I thought I heard something. What was that? Did you hear something?" His friend, says he must be imagining things, "Maybe your mind playing tricks on you? Dying of exposure and hunger on ice will do that to you. Keep chipping!" Chip chip chip, "There are no fish UNDER the ice!"
"Look I definitely heard something. That's creeping me out. We're in trouble, didn't you hear it?"
"Nope didn't hear anything. Let me have a go, you must be getting exhausted, too .."
"There are no fish under the ICE!"
The friends look at each other. Both heard the voice this time and both are scared. They wish each other well ...
"It was nice knowing you mate. No chance are we going to survive this but we might as well keep trying. It's better to die trying!" When louder than ever, the deep voice booms, echoing through the air, "This is the manager of the Ice Rink. There are NO FISH under the ice."
Two guys are out on the ice. Both are hungry, it's cold and it's dark. One of them suggests they might starve to death and, as they haven't got a tent, best thing would be to cut a hole in the ice and do some fishing. All he has is a small penknife and the ice is three feet thick but having no choice friend agrees and they start to take turns chipping a hole. Then on the cold wind, comes a booming echoing voice, "There are no FISH under the ice"
Your man stops chipping. "Did you hear something? I thought I heard something. What was that? Did you hear something?" His friend, says he must be imagining things, "Maybe your mind playing tricks on you? Dying of exposure and hunger on ice will do that to you. Keep chipping!" Chip chip chip, "There are no fish UNDER the ice!"
"Look I definitely heard something. That's creeping me out. We're in trouble, didn't you hear it?"
"Nope didn't hear anything. Let me have a go, you must be getting exhausted, too .."
"There are no fish under the ICE!"
The friends look at each other. Both heard the voice this time and both are scared. They wish each other well ...
"It was nice knowing you mate. No chance are we going to survive this but we might as well keep trying. It's better to die trying!" When louder than ever, the deep voice booms, echoing through the air, "This is the manager of the Ice Rink. There are NO FISH under the ice."
Last edited:
What do you call a man who used to like tractors?
Extractor fan
How do you get an Irish man on the roof?
Tell him drinks are on the house
Tell him drinks are on the house
I thought it was a detractor...[where is it]
Can you ride and cross something at the same time? And are you stupid if you can?
No .. a de-tractor is someone who works in a traction engine breakers' yard.
As in .. A man visiting Vienna found Mozart's grave. "Wow, Mozart's grave," he thought, then heard a weird tearing sound coming from Mozart's grave. "Hey come listen to this," calls over the grave diggers and passers by, "what's that sound coming from Mozart's grave? Sounds like weird tearing sound. Let's dig him up and find out!". So they dig up Mozarts grave, the weird sound getting louder and louder until eventually thunk, they found Mozart's coffin, open the lid and there's Mozart, tearing up bits of paper. "Hey Mozart, what you doing??" .. "Decomposing"
Last edited:
A madman sits in a dentist's chair and says "I want all my teeth out!"
The dentist looks in his mouth "These are some of the healthiest teeth I've seen. They can't possibly be giving you any pain. I can refer you to a pain specialist if yo..."
"I WANT ALL MY TEETH OUT!!"
After many hours of agonising pain and yells of excruciating agony as the dentist reluctantly plucked each healthy tooth from its gums, the madman leapt to his feet laughing manically "Ha ha! I just wanted a haircut!"
The dentist looks in his mouth "These are some of the healthiest teeth I've seen. They can't possibly be giving you any pain. I can refer you to a pain specialist if yo..."
"I WANT ALL MY TEETH OUT!!"
After many hours of agonising pain and yells of excruciating agony as the dentist reluctantly plucked each healthy tooth from its gums, the madman leapt to his feet laughing manically "Ha ha! I just wanted a haircut!"
Two camp skiiers are skiing (probably in Austria). When they get to the bottom, one says "Oo lovey dove, isn't that fun? I just LOVE that zag-zig down the mountain!"
"What d'you mean ducky? It's zig-zag not zag-zig. You zig-zag down a mountain!"
"You sure? I'm not sure (I always thought it was a zag-zig)" ... "I'm sure! Look, here's someone, let's ask."
So they call to a guy in a bobsled, "Hey handsome! You know when you're going down on a mountain? And you wiggle from side to side? Like this. Is that a zig zag .. or a zag zig?"
"How the hell should I know!" says the man, taking off his helmet, "I'm a tobogganist!"
"Oo .. in that case twenty Bensons and a box of matches please."
"What d'you mean ducky? It's zig-zag not zag-zig. You zig-zag down a mountain!"
"You sure? I'm not sure (I always thought it was a zag-zig)" ... "I'm sure! Look, here's someone, let's ask."
So they call to a guy in a bobsled, "Hey handsome! You know when you're going down on a mountain? And you wiggle from side to side? Like this. Is that a zig zag .. or a zag zig?"
"How the hell should I know!" says the man, taking off his helmet, "I'm a tobogganist!"
"Oo .. in that case twenty Bensons and a box of matches please."
Last edited:
No .. a de-tractor is someone who works in a traction engine breakers' yard.
A man visiting Vienna found Mozart's grave. "Wow, Mozart's grave," he thought, then heard a weird tearing sound coming from Mozart's grave. "Hey come listen to this," calls over the grave diggers and passers by, "what's that sound coming from Mozart's grave? Sounds like weird tearing sound. Let's dig him up and find out!". So they dig up Mozarts grave, the weird sound getting louder and louder until eventually thunk, they found Mozart's coffin, open the lid and there's Mozart, tearing up bits of paper. "Hey Mozart, what you doing??" .. "Decomposing"
HAAARH!
*Knock Knock*
"Who's there?"
"Dishes..."
"Dishes who?"
"Who's there?"
"Dishes..."
"Dishes who?"
"Dishes Connery, Sean Connery."
The joke was it didn't matter what his reasoning was. If you are crossing the road you are always doing it to get to the other side.
I think that may have been the meaning of the original joke though thinking about it...
Last edited:
I believe GD was teasing about your typo in the OP - "rode" instead of "road".
