General / Off-Topic Any well-regarded places to go for the socially- to learn social skills?

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Deleted member 110222

D
No, I'm not apologising for the title, because I'm describing myself with it. Furthermore, I'm not looking for sympathy, but rather information that ultimately I hope takes me elsewhere.

If Skyrim speech skill was real then I'd be at -10.

Look guys. I have no idea how to so much as talk to people IRL. Why do you think I post here so much?

I'm in a pretty rough place. Not geographically, but personally.

I go to the shops, I say nothing. I just put my groceries on the counter, and unceremoniusly dump a carefully counted amount of money in the cashier's hand, or I use touch pay. I do both so that I don't have to say a word.

I also don't even say the customary "thanks" to the bus driver. My trips to Costa are lined only with the essential words: My order. Literally that's it. Medium latte to go, *cash dumped in hand*.

This is a serious problem, because one day, I really am going to be alone, and if I don't do something now, I'm not going to know how to interact with anyone.

Outside the internet, I've not made a new friend for about ten years. Outside the internet, I'm invisible.

And I don't know how to get seen. Physically, I'm feeling much better. The exercise is going well and the pounds are slowly shedding. As far as the psychosis is concerned, very much under control.

But improving myself in these areas is pointless if, in ten years time, I still can't so much as initiate a conversation with someone.

So I'm asking if there's a well-regarded support site, or YouTube channel, for the truly social-inept to learn skills that they missed out during the developmental years.

That's why I call myself a social-. Because by definition, that's exactly what I am. And I need to find a way out.

Otherwise my life will become very rough in a decade's time.

Again, not looking for sympathy. I'm looking for information.

Thank you.

PS I'm in the UK, if that's of any bearing.
 

Deleted member 110222

D
I think, furthermore, does anyone know of any orgs'/charities in the UK that offer help to adults on the autistic spectrum?

All the groups I've found are for kids. Understandable, but useless for the adult Asperger's community.
 

Asp Explorer

Asp Explorer
I'm absolutely no expert - but maybe going someplace where people generally don't interact or make much noise might be useful?

Library for instance - you can just walk in and peruse the books and maybe the computers - sit there not saying a word (not unusual at all in such a setting) - but observe those who do speak in their everyday interactions in such a building with each other in a fairly secluded and quiet place?

At least there'll be books* to read - maybe a coffee shop nearby - and you'll have performed a completely normal activity just like everyone else without having to say a word.

Good luck with it.


* if you want a book you can sit down with and not feel you have to spend hours wading through the entire tome to finish a story - I highly recommend the short story collections of Arthur C Clark, Ray Bradbury, and Mike Moorcock. You can get through those in pretty much no time at all.
 
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Robin of Spiritwood

Robin of Spiritwood
Sorry for this long response.
I'm struggling with this same problem on two other fronts: as a father, and as a doctor. It's hard for me, and it must be harder for you.

I managed to identify the locus where autism might hide in the brain some years ago by literally talking to my daughter. Getting a detailed history over a period of time ( sometimes repeated talks over days) can give the clues needed to really lock down a diagnosis, a Sherlockian act that is no longer generally practised by my colleagues, who prefer to just use machines. She told me a curious thing:

Way back, we had a puppy born. It was a girl. She insisted on giving it a boy's name. Why? Because she couldn't tell the implicit differences in male and female names. There's a specific place that handles that in our brain.

It's a target zone today for the magnetic wave stim: medial prefrontal cortex. It was one of those lightbulb moments when an answer occurs, and you know it to be correct. The current research is concentrating on that area now.

At the time, I'd thought that the problem had been solved.
The cure was just a matter of magnets. My plans for building the machine at home from consumer parts were scuttled when I realized that actual research was being done in the same field by actual first world scientists. Now, I'm waiting for them to finish it, because it's better to get it tested in a proper manner. But independently, I'd come up with the exact same solution, just from a conversation.

She's much smarter than I am. Just saying.
It's like a rocket engine in a car, without a clutch to transfer the power. Getting it harnessed is my work these days.

Can't speak for the UK.
But we have tried therapists and Psychiatrists to get assistance. The Psych made it worse. Didn't understand the problem, and worse, didn't understand the patient. Couldn't understand even the neuroanatomy and analysis I showed her, it wasn't in the Psych books, there wasn't a DSM label to use for a treatment protocol.

It might be that as so much communication is non verbal, the conventional communication channels are not as effective for this problem. Like trying to show visually impaired people videos. Won't work well.

So the talk-therapeutic options are torpedoed on the way in.

There are 2 ways around this from my structurist point of view:
Structurism is a technical way to understand a problem, reducing it to components, finding component failure, and replacing/removing or fixing the component. It serves well for devices, and surgical problems. Less well for harder emotional problems.
1) Use a channel that works, to supplement the input:
https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/articl...device-is-helping-kids-with-autism-form-bonds

This is sort of like a hearing aid, or a cane. As tech advances the input devices are likely to become more widely used by everybody, so it won't be viewed as an aid. This is a nice use of future consumer tech.

2) Adjust the brain processing more directly.
https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/18/an-experimental-autism-treatment-cost-me-my-marriage/

The point of that article is twofold: first, it seems to work, and second it seems to not be the best idea.
This approach is fraught with potential problems as people( both the patient and the family) struggle to adjust to the change - both internally and externally. But it can make communication much more effective, so that the therapy can land on target. This still leaves us with the finding good therapy in the first place problem.

People are not TV sets, and cannot generally be treated as if they just need a new capacitator, as much as I like to simplify it.
A substantial amount of any problem can be overcome by the person himself, like say John Nash, but the effort is hard.

Might I suggest a simple non-risky strategy to try?

Just say "Thank you" to the bus driver to begin with. He's got a bus to drive and a schedule to keep. You are one of a hundred people passing by. So he won't pay a whole lot of focus to the event. There's not much at stake for you. It can't go wrong, and it's a safe place to begin.
 

Sunleader

Sunleader
Un1k0rn said:
No, I'm not apologising for the title, because I'm describing myself with it. Furthermore, I'm not looking for sympathy, but rather information that ultimately I hope takes me elsewhere.

If Skyrim speech skill was real then I'd be at -10.

Look guys. I have no idea how to so much as talk to people IRL. Why do you think I post here so much?

I'm in a pretty rough place. Not geographically, but personally.

I go to the shops, I say nothing. I just put my groceries on the counter, and unceremoniusly dump a carefully counted amount of money in the cashier's hand, or I use touch pay. I do both so that I don't have to say a word.

I also don't even say the customary "thanks" to the bus driver. My trips to Costa are lined only with the essential words: My order. Literally that's it. Medium latte to go, *cash dumped in hand*.

This is a serious problem, because one day, I really am going to be alone, and if I don't do something now, I'm not going to know how to interact with anyone.

Outside the internet, I've not made a new friend for about ten years. Outside the internet, I'm invisible.

And I don't know how to get seen. Physically, I'm feeling much better. The exercise is going well and the pounds are slowly shedding. As far as the psychosis is concerned, very much under control.

But improving myself in these areas is pointless if, in ten years time, I still can't so much as initiate a conversation with someone.

So I'm asking if there's a well-regarded support site, or YouTube channel, for the truly social-inept to learn skills that they missed out during the developmental years.

That's why I call myself a social-. Because by definition, that's exactly what I am. And I need to find a way out.

Otherwise my life will become very rough in a decade's time.

Again, not looking for sympathy. I'm looking for information.

Thank you.

PS I'm in the UK, if that's of any bearing.
Click to expand...

The Internet is honestly said a bad place for this. Because it bypasses the problem thus not actually helping you but instead isolating you even more.


Now to tell you where to find help you would first need to tell us why you wont/cant speak to People.

If you just Lack Social Skills there is Courses and Classes for this.

If the Problem is deeper. For example if your feeling anxious and thus cant talk properly.
You being in the UK is a Good thing.
You should tell your Doctor about this and have him arrange for a Therapy.

Dont take Offense in this. Unlike what people always think a Psychologist is not usually dealing with Crazy People.
Thats just one very small part they are responsible for.
Anxiety Disorders as well as Social Disorders or even simple Phobias are far more often what these Guys usually are for.


They can Help you by referencing you to Groups and Contacts that can Train with you to overcome it.
They can tell you behaviors and training methods for you to improve the Situation.
And they can prescribe Medicines that reduce or suppress certain feelings making it easier for you to deal with them.


Greetz
 

Deleted member 115407

D
Walk dow the street... smile and say hello to everyone you pass. It doesn't have to be comical, just a nice, friendly hello.
 

Limoncello Lizard

Limoncello Lizard
Try joining a roleplaying club.

D&D sort of thing.

Maybe buy the Elite roleplaying game, learn the rules and try and find a group to join in with. Channel your already developed character in the game.
 

Winterwalker

Winterwalker
vindelanos said:
Walk down the street... smile and say hello to everyone you pass.
Click to expand...

I think this is powerful advice. I can't point you at any pro services but won't they probably suggest building confidence, starting with small interactions and progressing them?

So really ... what would Cmdr H Jameson do?

Limoncello Lizard said:
Channel your already developed character in the game.
Click to expand...

No doubt years in the black have a slightly isolating effect but having identified that human contact helps ease that, on shore leave says an easy 'hiya' - and thanks - to the bus driver with what might be a practiced but only a supportive smile that says, "I hope you're having a good day (too) mate".

I think you'll be surprised how many smiles you get back. You earned them because you were the one to reach out and as you build what might be mechanical friendships at first - eg. with the people behind the coffee counter, who you can quietly chat while they're doing your coffee - think you'll find most people are at least as messed up as you feel you are but feel quite a bit better for knowing Cmdr H Jameson is minding their six.

As for Cmdr H .. independent pilot. Cobra pilot extraordinaire. Probably knows (or should know) deep down that people are lucky to know him .. only because there's a weird trying-too-hard effect, where the more you chase a friendship the more it vanishes (it just has to be a mutual thing). [up]
 
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Deleted member 110222

D
Thank you guys.

I think I am indeed suffering a severe phobia. The very thought of speaking to someone I don't know paralyses me.

I'm not looking to get over my fear of crowds. I'm just trying to be able to become functional in the most basic of interactions.
 

askavir

askavir
Most likely you're just introvert. And being introvert is not a disease, it's not a "bad" thing, nor is it "curable" (in fact, the worst thing you can ever do to an introvert is trying to make him an extrovert). It's just being different, valuing different things, and have a different way to relax and have fun. Introversion is commonly misunderstood with being anti-social, or needing "help". In fact, trying to "cure" an introvert and making an extrovert out of him will never work and will just make him feel miserable, as he will never enjoy the same kind of things an extrovert does. I recommend this reading, for starters: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understand-other-people/201601/understanding-introverts

Being introvert is not an obstacle to being "socially functional", it's easy to simply be nice to people, without needing to engage in some long smalltalk about their kids weekend. Simply start by saying hello or good morning to people who you interact with (even if just at some shop counter), and saying "thank you" when you're done. The rest will follow.

But if you are indeed struggling to understand who you are and why you are that way, visit a psychologist as he'll be able to help you understand yourself, which is the first and most important step.
 

Deleted member 110222

D
askavir said:
Most likely you're just introvert. And being introvert is not a disease, it's not a "bad" thing, nor is it "curable" (in fact, the worst thing you can ever do to an introvert is trying to make him an extrovert). It's just being different, valuing different things, and have a different way to relax and have fun. Introversion is commonly misunderstood with being anti-social, or needing "help". In fact, trying to "cure" an introvert and making an extrovert out of him will never work and will just make him feel miserable, as he will never enjoy the same kind of things an extrovert does. I recommend this reading, for starters: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understand-other-people/201601/understanding-introverts

Being introvert is not an obstacle to being "socially functional", it's easy to simply be nice to people, without needing to engage in some long smalltalk about their kids weekend. Simply start by saying hello or good morning to people who you interact with (even if just at some shop counter), and saying "thank you" when you're done. The rest will follow.

But if you are indeed struggling to understand who you are and why you are that way, visit a psychologist as he'll be able to help you understand yourself, which is the first and most important step.
Click to expand...

Yeah, a psychologist is likely a good idea. I really need to find out why I am how I am. My lack of human contact is making me pretty miserable , but I don't really know how to get human contact, because I spent most of my life locking everything out.
 

Winterwalker

Winterwalker
Locking out is probably defence mechanism? Because keep people arms' length and they can't hurt you right?) That's not actually an unhealthy reaction, perfectly natural in fact it's just, gone over far can get into a habit, of lost confidence.

I'd say talk to a therapist and work on strategies (like forcing yourself to say hello to bus driver. You might melt down sweating after the first time but .. was Day 2 easier than Day 1 when you started walking? same strategy right? baby steps). I wouldn't suggest a psychiatrist unless you really can't find any other way out on your own, last resort. He'll give it a name, probably a heap of drugs and a lovely crutch for you to hang your victimhood on but a therapist would show you ways to cope and look forward.

Stuff happens and while it's genuine of people to sympathise, understand and address a bad experience and bad effects of it, over analysis can also become self indulgent if not careful. Truth is, what's done is done and can't be changed (laws of thermodynamics I think). You can only change or influence what might happen tomorrow so yesterday really, is done. We are where we are and start from here, lessons learned, older wiser and <checking my six> yup, still alive. So far so good. o7
 
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Deleted member 110222

D
Winterwalker said:
Locking out is probably defence mechanism? Because keep people arms' length and they can't hurt you right?) That's not actually an unhealthy reaction, perfectly natural in fact it's just, gone over far can get into a habit, of lost confidence.

I'd say talk to a therapist and work on strategies (like forcing yourself to say hello to bus driver. You might melt down sweating after the first time but .. was Day 2 easier than Day 1 when you started walking? same strategy right? baby steps). I wouldn't suggest a psychiatrist unless you really can't find any other way out on your own, last resort. He'll give it a name, probably a heap of drugs and a lovely crutch for you to hang your victimhood on but a therapist would show you ways to cope and look forward.

Stuff happens and while it's genuine of people to sympathise, understand and address a bad experience and bad effects of it, over analysis can also become self indulgent if not careful. Truth is, what's done is done and can't be changed (laws of thermodynamics I think). You can only change or influence what might happen tomorrow so yesterday really, is done. We are where we are and start from here, lessons learned, older wiser and <checking my six> yup, still alive. So far so good. o7
Click to expand...

TBH I thought psychs'/therapists were the same thing. What is the difference? honest question.
 

-VR- Max Factor

-VR- Max Factor
Just start off with the hello at the shop checkout and a thanks when you leave.

When I was young I couldn't talk to anyone so I decided to act as if I was acting for a movie as a more confident person, I have eventually become that person.
 

Slange Lands

Slange Lands
Un1k0rn said:
Yeah, a psychologist is likely a good idea. I really need to find out why I am how I am. My lack of human contact is making me pretty miserable , but I don't really know how to get human contact, because I spent most of my life locking everything out.
Click to expand...

1. You have daily human contact with us. If your definition of human contact is talking to a physical person, investigate how different that is than talking to us. Just because we're invisible doesn't mean we don't have bodies. Can you envision going to a Frontier Expo? Wouldn't that be fun? We would all love to meet you.

2. Do not think about fear. Simply be aware of it when it arises, give it low power priority on your systems panel and try to not let it interfere with your functioning. If it is, seek therapy, it may help.

3. You are in an ever changing state, just because you are this way now doesn't mean you will be in the future. My husband used to have a very severe vomiting phobia as a youth; now it is only a minor case. Strangely enough he learned through his love of cats and resigning himself to living with hairballs.

4. If it is about acceptance, think again about how many of us value your presence here.

5. Try going to a dog park and chat with other dog lovers?

6. You will succeed.
 

Hell Razor5543

H
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Robin of Spiritwood

Robin of Spiritwood
Un1k0rn said:
TBH I thought psychs'/therapists were the same thing. What is the difference? honest question.
Click to expand...

Psychiatrists go to medical school, and get an initial degree there. They are qualified to deliver babies, set fractures, take out bullets, treat pneumonia, and diagnose heart attacks. Then, they specialize in treating mental illness. There is a fairly strict oversight in most countries, and it is regulated by Law. There's an effort to maintain a "standard of care" to protect the interests of patients, from outside the profession.

Therapists have a very different background, and can range in training from almost none ( lay therapists), religious training( priest-counselors), legal training (mediators, divorce & family counselors), all the way up to Ph.D. Level in Psychology. Oversight can vary widely. Quality of work too.
 
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