Community Event / Creation 'Cooking with Trumbles' - Open Call for Submissions!

[Darren Grey]

We have some talented, imaginative, and intensely humorous people here on the forums. We also have Psykokow. So, with this in mind I'm working with Dan Grubb of Fantastic Books to produce something special - a book on Cooking with Trumbles.

What is it?
The only unofficial Trumble cookbook ever made, packed full of bland and flavourless recipes!!

How do I get it?
It will be given as an ebook to every backer of the Elite Audiobook Kickstarter.

How do I contribute?
Post a contribution below, or send me a PM or an email to darrenjohngrey at hotmail dot com.

Recipes should be humorous and colourful in nature, and where possible it should be possible to replace trumble-related ingredients with the likes of chicken for vaguely wholesome results. You can also include a short paragraph about the history of the recipe, some notable way in which it was used, general advice, etc. And recipes need a name/title. You should also give your name (or a name you'd like displayed with the recipe) - you're welcome to do this in private if you prefer.

I can't promise every submission will be used, or used in their original format - quality, rights issues, etc, will all need to be considered.

Here's an example of a recipe from the esteemed Commander Dan:


Trumble Curry

Take three lightly killed Trumbles, inflated (in the usual way).

Place in a vacuum pod for a couple of minutes or until the innards begin to ooze through the main membrane.

Remove and deflate (in the usual way).

Gently heat until the viscosity of said innards becomes more or less the same as thrumpleberry jam.
Add as many sasquats as your palette requires.

Serve on a bed of beezle nuts with squashed inklefur beads.

Do NOT add salt, danger of implosion and/or suffocation.

Serves 9.

 

[Andrew Sayers]

Grumblet

There's no dish in the galaxy so decadent as the grumblet.
A meal so divine as can only be described with the couplet.

Take tree grubs from Lave, counting twixt four and six,
Feed them wood, sing them songs, til the sap starts to mix;

Pick the largest, the fattest, the reddest of belly,
Feed it grass and leaves til it oozes royal jelly;

Read the queen Beowulf while she consumes her poor friends,
When the dragon is slain, the beast's life must end;

Hook the beast through the nose to hang in your freezer,
Leave it to die and cool off while you prepare the next chapter;

Take one infant trumble - only the youngest will do,
Box it in darkness, with carrots to chew;

Trumbles love carrots but cannot digest them,
Fueling mad hunger within a cardboard prison;

Let it work out its anger - let it shake, let it kick,
In the time it will take, read Moby-;

When Ishmael is spent and the trumble is too,
Our recipe will reach the end of chapter two;

Take the grub from the freezer, hung straight as an arrow,
sharpen its tail to a dagger - long red juicy and narrow;

Hang the red queen over your trumble's box-prison,
Open the lid - stand back or your finger'll get bitten;

The trumble will look at the snack, cold as space,
Think it a carrot and jump to eat it in haste,

As mad consumption draws the trumble to the head,
the tail will pierce its gizzard, leaving it stone dead;

Place your grub-stuffed trumble down next to your oven,
Recite "If" and set the temperature to gas mark seven;

When the oven is warmed there's but one thing to do,
The last ingredient - yes that's right, it is you;

One last verse: eat the trumble, jump in the oven and close it,
Voila, a grumblet: grub, stuffed in trumble, stuffed in poet

 

[Darren Grey]

That's a thing of beauty, Andrew I may need to get a bigger oven though :-/

Here's one from me:

Triple Trumble Trifle

Serves 4

Ingredients:
1 zested trumble
1 frozen trumble
1 drunk trumble
Lashings of Leestian cream
2 Ackwada oranges
400g sugar

Firstly, I recommend using a drunk trumble soaked in a good sherry, as this can really help bring the flavour out. Also the frozen trumble needs to be very thoroughly frozen, as trumbles are highly resistant to the cold and the last thing you want is your ingredients walking off mid-prep.

Take the drunk trumble and spin it in a centrifuge until it throws up. Mix the intensely flavoured trumble vomit with half the cream and sugar to form a gooey, alcoholic custard. Soak the oranges in the vomit custard for 10 minutes before layering on the bottom of the trifle bowl. Pour the rest of the vomit custard over this in a smooth layer.

Mix the remaining sugar with the zested trumble to make a fine powder. Chop up the frozen trumble into slices of even thickness, and coat it in the sugary powder. Now flamethrower this thoroughly, ensuring the trumble is well and truly dead whilst also giving them a lovely caramel edge. Layer these on the trifle.

Top off with the rest of the cream, whipped until fluffy, with a pinch of zested trumble on top. Sprinkle with a dash of your favourite liqueur and flamethrower again, ensuring no trumble parts escape.

Voila! Your Triple Trumble Trifle is complete. Leave in the fridge for 1 hour before serving.

 

[Zplintz]

Here is a long standing family recipe handed down through 11 generations of the Zee family. If she knew I was making this public knowledge, my grandmother would turn in her grave (in fact she probably still is spinning somewhere out in deep space after we ejected her through a torpedo tube once she became a burden - as is our family tradition).

Trumble Pudding

500g of Trumbles
500g of mixed dried fruit
85g mixed peel or for a more crunchy mix - Leestian fruit fly (remove wings)
1 1/4 tbsp mixed Zaonceen spices
600ml of Ma Cow milk (preferably fresh but freeze dried will do - re-hydrate first)
2 large Disoan ducks eggs
140g of muskyvado sugar
zest of 1 cat (optional)
100g of Ma Cow butter
4 tbsp of sugar


Leave the Trumbles in warm dry-air environment for at least a week to dry them out. Remove excess fur with a sharp beard trimmer and keep the fur to one side.

Mash the Trumbles (a sledge hammer works well) until runny and throw into a large mixing bowl. Pour on the milk then stir or scruntch through your fingers to mix everything well into a nice sludge.

Add eggs, muskyvado and zest. Stir well for 15mins and leave to soak.

Heat oven to 180 deg C. Butter and line the base of a 20cm non-stick square cake tin (not one with a loose base). Stir the melted butter into the pudding mixture, tip into the tin, then scatter with sugar. Bake for 1½ hrs until firm and golden, covering with foil if it starts to brown too much. Turn out of the tin and strip off the paper.

For that added touch sprinkle with the Trumble fur that you saved from earlier.

Cut into squares and serve warm straightaway or save for those long lonely journies through dark systems - it keeps for months in a cold environment. Always stay in close proximity to a toilet after eating - this mixture has been known to have adverse affects on some digestion systems - especially humans in low gravity.

 

[Frank]

Pot Trumble

Here's a recipe passed down from my father and my father's father.

Go down to your nearest MegaMarket and look for a plastic pot with a cartoon of a trumble on it. Check the flavour before you buy they come in all kinds; beef and tomato, cheese and tomato, spicy tomato, etc. I suggest you go for the turkey and cranberry flavour for this time of year.

Take the pot home and place it on your kitchen work surface. Be advised that this may entail heavy work such as clearing away empty pizza boxes and beer cans.

Fill a kettle with water and switch it on.

While the kettle is boiling peel back the foil top and remove the small plastic packet of flavouring. This is an important step. Failure to remove this small plastic packet could affect the taste.

By now your kettle should've boiled. If you've got one of those Insto-Boil kettles then boil it again to ensure the water is as hot as it can be. Now here's the trick that the best cordon bleu chefs use; don't fill the pot up to the fill line. Going about a centimetre below ensures that the trumble sauce is thick and creamy.

Carefully flatten the foil lid back down and fold the loose flap of foil under the brim of the plastic pot. This keeps the heat in during the time it takes to reconstitute the trumbles. It also makes sure that if any of the trumbles survived the mushing-up and dehydrating then the little blighter can't get out and infest your house.

Let the meal stand for twice the time suggested on the pot. This is needed because of the extra creaminess of the trumble sauce.

Now remember that plastic packet of flavouring? We now have to see to that. Take a pair of nailclippers to one of the corners of the packet and snip it off. Peel back the foil of the pot. Now the instructions say to add to taste but, of course, these pots have no taste. This means you need to squirt the whole contents of the sachet into the pot, plus any sauce sachets with which you may have accidently filled your pockets when you last visited a fast food outlet.

Stir the contents of the pot vigorously and repeatedly.

Now it comes down to the presentation of the meal. This type of food is intended to be eaten on a couch or lazyboy. Switch on the HoloVid and eat directly from the plastic pot. Keep your eyes on the HoloVid screen as you eat. On no account ever should you look down to see what you're eating.

 

[Gibbonici]

Trumble Soup

Ingredients
1 trumble


Place trumble in your cargo hold.
Leave for 8 hours or until its offspring have taken over your entire damn ship.
Remotely access your ship's control system and increase pressure in all compartments to 500psi for 20 minutes.
Drain into barrels and serve.


Serves 30,000.

 

[AnnuverScotinExile]

Scotsman's Roasted Trumble

Skin the trumble and incinerate the skin. Throw away the giblets.

Place the de-skinned trumble in a large bowl to marinate overnight. The marinade should be made from:

1 Bottle of Lavian Brandy
1 bottle of carbonated water (don't be naive - use water from Islay if available).
Salt and pepper to taste
2 tablespoons of lemon juice

Make a stuffing with 1/2 kilo of pork sausage meat, three diced apples 250g of chestnuts, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, salt and pepper to taste, 1 glass of lavian brandy. Stuff the trumble.

Place the trumble in a roasting tray in the centre of the oven at 170 degrees.

Roast for 2 hours.

During the roasting, baste the trumble every 15 minutes with a basting liquid made of 2 parts whisky to 1 part red wine. When the two hours roasting is up, take the trumble from the oven, pour over it half a bottle of whisky and leave to stand for 15 minutes. Quench your thirst with a small flagon of red wine.

When the 15 minutes are up, throw away the trumble, and drink the gravy.

 

[Flavio]

Pirate Trumble jerky

1 crate of Trumbles
Salt

Fill the crate of trumbles with salt and pack tightly.
Jetison into space and keep track of it for 30 minutes at least so that gives enough time for them to explode.
Since the salt will have soaked up all the juices and caked solid around the trumbles.
Blast it with a 5MW laser to break off the salt and all of the hairs from the trumbles (this also helps to evaporate any remaining water ).
Scoop up the dried out trumble and store in a dry environment. Can be kept for up to 5 years and makes a tasty snack while waiting to ambush traders.

 

[Flavio]

Trumble milk

Trumbles
Very fine mesh but strong
Container

Wrap the fine mesh around the scoop.
Jetison the required number of trumbles (3 to make a litre ).
Scoop Trumbles at maximum velocity so that the trumble is strained and scoop the milk into a suitable container.

 

[Flavio]

Trumble Gravy

Heat trumble milk with a flour of your choice until the desired consistency is obtained.
Great accompaniment to any roast or base for a stew.

 

[W4rSkuLL]

Le Trumbles de Fondue

Le Trumbles de Fondue

Take a roasted trumble and cut it in fine bits.
Have a fondue dipper and a fine wine. Take the juicy bits
and dip them gently in the dipper, and add some fondue/dip.
As the trumble gently releses its juices into your mouth.
Enjoy the trumble feast.
Swallow down with some wine.

Bon appetit, mmmmmm delicious.

 

[Frank]

There are some delicious recipes there, and I'm glad nobody's mentioned trumble pie. When I was young I thought it was the most disgusting tasting thing ever, but my parents believed that it was good for me. So I was forced to eat trumble pie.

 

[Zplintz]

Arf Arf!

 

[Darren Grey]

Can anyone think of a good way to combine trumbles with brussel sprouts? Truly it would be combining the two finest ingredients ever made...

 

[Elias]

Trumble Aksala

This recipe was devised by the people of the Ice Planet of Adanac; in times past they would ram a broad icicle through a stunned trumble and hang it above a doorway to make a truly hideous festive decoration (the Adanacs were well known for their hatred of consumer-driven festivities as well as their susceptibility to schlock marketing campaigns.) These days amid public fears of Iciclosis, pre-cubed "deluxe" Ice-lets are deemed an acceptable substitute.

1. First, stun your trumble with news of a political sex-scandal. (If no sex-scandal is currently available you may announce that the Blue-Jays are 3-0 up in the World Series, but please vote less carefully in future.)
   
2. When the trumbles jaw drops open, thrust in the outlet tube from your HydroCool(TM) Icelet Freezo-cubifier and add to it your HydroCool Ice Mix(TM) (or other source of water if you really don't care what the neighbours think.)
   
3. Set the pumping pressure to 2000 p.s.i. and let your HydroCool(TM) system take the effort out of stuffing your trumble.
   
4. Place your perfectly stuffed trumble in your blast shield and fire your beam laser at 30MW for 0.00015 seconds, or until golden black.

Serve overarm and ensure your foot remains behind the baseline to avoid a footfault.

It has been suggested amongst some of the more avant-garde gastronomers that the trumble may be replaced by a paste made from ground wheat, avian ovulatory products and HydroCool Icemix(TM) stuffed with crushed Icelets mixed with mammaliam lactata. This is not recommended as it tends to get stuck in the strings of your tennis raquet.

 

[Listeri69]

Quatro Trumbloli Pie

Not your basic Trumble Pie one for refined tastes


For this recipe you will need the rare but available Tring Tree Trumble, galactica online should be able to deliver you one within two weeks. And if dried in the usual way can last up to three years the strong peppery flavour with cinnamon goes well with many of your favourite dishes..

Quatro Trumboli Pie

1 Tring Tree Trumble Ground then whisked till no lumps remain
3 Regular Trumbles chopped fine
1/2lb Curried Sprouts
1/2lb Formahault Feta cheese
3tbs Leesti Lentils or if not available in your sector, Lavian Broad Beans
2tbs Stroudberry Thyme, if you can't get the crushed by asteroid, regular milled will do
2tbs Achernar power powder, if you can take it why not try insane with power for that added megalomania
2tbs Diso Sage, the danced by daylight is my fave.
2tbs Prism Pansies, just to take the edge off, if your a sissy fed then increase to 6tbs.
pinch of salt from sol

Make sure all your ingredients are chopped fine, although I prefer to have my sprouts slightly chunky.
mix all ingredients together until all ingredients have turned Heliotrope. If you can only manage Mauve add another trumble.


for the crust
1/2 cup water from Reidquat
2 cups Castor Flour sieved fine to remove any remaining Trixies
8oz OneZ sweatted butter, other butters can be used but if you want a big puff on your crust it's the only butter to use.
1tsp Sol Salt, still the original and best in the galaxy
1tsp Quaack Sugar

Rub flour,salt, sugar and butter together until mixture resembles ground thargoid. add water until mixture forms a dough. line a 12 inch pie dish leaving enough to make the pie lid add the mixture to the pie remembering to pat down occasionally to avoid the pie multiplying in the oven.

bake at 350f/180c gas mark 4 for 35 mins or until crust is well risen and Golden Cyan.

Enjoy

 

[Darren Grey]

Time is running out for new submissions to this entrancing cookbook! As you've seen there have already been many disturbing and delicious recipes submitted. Add yours to the list and have it immortalised in the Cooking with Trumbles ebook!

 

[cfww]

Trumble Slammer

Trumble Slammer

Ingredients:
Lemon
Salt
Trumble Tears*

Method:
Lick the back of your hand, put salt on the (now) sticky back of your hand, lick the salt, down a large dose of straight trumble tears and then bite into the lemon, open the airlock, throw the trumble out and slam the door shut firmly.

* See ebook: 101 Ways to Extract Trumble Tears

 

[DaddyHoggy]

Trumbles in Thrumpberry Juice with stir fried Laveian Tree Grubs

Trumbles in Thrumpberry Juice with stir fried Laveian Tree Grubs.

Skin and remove really icky bits from two brace (that’s four) mature trumbles (obviously only remove the ‘really’ icky bits, if you remove generally-not-nice bits, this will leave you with precisely no usable trumble at all).

Roll trumbles together and tie in into solid mass of flesh - allow to rest. Note: ‘rest’ indicates the amount of time to allow the flesh to bind together, but prior to it beginning to ooze and if you wait so long that that the trumbles reanimate, well, frankly, you’re on your own.

Note: For those struggling to find sufficient trumbles (seriously? just dig around in the plumbing of any 30 year old Anaconda - you’ll find a nest of them guaranteed) or, more likely, just can’t face actually eating a trumble, despite your bravado in the bar last night about surviving on nothing but the little balls of joy, for 3 months while you made emergency repairs to your ship last year... anyway, where were we? Oh yes, if, for whatever reason, you’re lacking in the trumble department (fnarr, fnarr), approximately 2kg (that’s a standard galactic measure of the kg - don’t get cocky about it being a mass not a weight) of unsmoked Gammon joint should suffice as a reasonable (and infinitely more tasty) replacement meat.

Place non-oozing trumble blob into large pan and cover with approximately 1.5 litres of Thrumpberry Juice per brace of trumbles in the roll.

Note: For those who have been forced to resort to a Terranesque Gammon joint, you may wish to substitute 1.5 litres of Coca-Cola per kg of meat at this point, lest you discover what multiple litres of boiling Thumpberry juice actually does to non-trumble flesh. (if this goes wrong, you can always use the boiled thrumpberry juice for cleaning your exhaust ports, so it’s never a complete waste).

Add four medium size onions (or local planetary equivalent) roughly chopped and 10 crushed peppercorns (or local equivalent).

Boil trumble joint in thrumpberry juice (or gammon in Coke) for 1.5hrs per trumble brace/kilo of meat (so 3 hours for a 2hr gammon joint).

Note: For those who have stuck with the trumble/thrumpberry juice option 1) well done 2) sometimes your cooking time is shortened when your pan melts and your heat source explodes - for that reason we recommend pans fashioned from re-entry shielding or Thargoid exoskeletons (if you’re reading after putting out a massive fireball and wondering if your eyebrows will ever grow back, all I can say is... read all the instructions before starting...)

After 3 hours remove trumble joint from thrumpberry juice and allow to cool. Your trumbles should be sweet, tender, succulent and, by this point, if you’re lucky, edible.

While the trumble joint is boiling in its thrumpberry juice (explosions and missing eyebrows notwithstanding) - you will have time to prepare your Laveian tree grubs.

Take 250g of Tree Grub (actually you should pay for them first, although, seriously, they should be giving them away) - and roughly chop (they generally stop wriggling after the 3rd or 4th cut), mix with 75g of roughly chopped Diso clam-nut and three chopped rashers of Biargeian edible poet and stir in four tablespoons of sweet chilli sauce (or local equivalent).

Note: for those who we suspect have gone down the ham/coke route you may wish to substitute the vegetable known as a ‘Brussels Sprout’ for the Laveian Tree Grub as we understand they’re an equally acquired taste - in which case swap Walnuts for the Diso clam-nuts and bacon for the edible poets.

While the trumble joint is cooling, stir fry the grub mix in an oil of your choice until all residual twitching has stopped and the grubs are just starting to caramelise.

It’s traditional for crusty old ‘Spacers and Rock Hermits to claim, at this point, that they fry this mix in Engine Grease, and we’re sure that’s true. However, we’ve tried this and to be honest, we think what you make is something that is very good at making temporary repairs to hull fractures caused by micro-meteorite strikes.

Finally, slice trumble joint in a “rustic” style (i.e. badly), pour on a generous helping of the tree grub mix and serve with traditional, locally sourced vegetables (remember keep those light years down and shop locally where possible).

Enjoy.

 

[Yaffle]

Personally I try never to cook with trumbles for one very good reason - they are terrible chefs. I prefer to cook alone.