Greetings fellow humans who are totally not interplanar horrors from beyond time!
As we skipped a week last time, after this mortal frame I chose to inhabit decided to breakdown on me, this week’s roundup will contain not one but two weeks’ worth of inane nihilistic rambling! Let’s sit back, use our inside screaming, and check out what’s been going on in the galaxy!
THE EMPEROR’S IRE – 5 June 3309
Previously on ‘How to help grow the assassination business economy’, Hadrian “I have no concept of self preservation’ Duval thought that right in the middle of an intergalactic world war was the best time to tell the Emperor that he’s feeling extra expendable this week. He chose to suggest that the Emperor was showing weakness by daring to work with other superpowers in order to help the minor goal of humanity not going extinct. The Emperor has hit back by pointing out that they are working with Aegis and building new weapons for the Empire specifically. She also subtly reminded Hadrian that as sovereign he exists because she allows it and can end because she demands it. This has prompted higher up Imperials to cancel their dinner plans with Hadrian and reschedule any meetings with him to a less violent day in the calendar. Maybe February 31st?
ALLIANCE OFFERS AMNESTY FOR FAR GOD CULTISTS – 8 June 3309
Some say that the worst thing for a religion would be to find out there is no god, but maybe finding out there are 8 of them poised to stamp you out of existence might be a tad worse. The Federation previously declared the Far God Cult illegal, encouraging many memes of people painting tiny models to shout “Heresy!”. As a result the ‘True Chapters’ (Which implies the existence of ‘False Chapters’ ooooh) members on board the megaship ‘Dedicant’ were imprisoned by the Federation. In an effort to suggest they are a little more centrist leaning than the increasingly gammon faced Feds who want to solve problems by the addition of more weapons, the Alliance has offered to take the Far God Cultists off the Federations hands and put them up in Alliance facilities where they can live peaceful, safe lives so long as they don’t mind cameras in every crevice.
AZIMUTH REFOCUSES ON TITAN RESEARCH – 9 June 3309
From the company that provides its employees with compulsory gloating seminars and tips and tricks on when to use your evil laugh, comes a new edition of “What villainous things can we do with Thargoids this week”. Azimuth, the science team that just won’t go away, has stated that researching the Thargoid titans has become their number one priority. Whilst Aegis may have the benefits of size, popularity and the ability to not spark an intergalactic war because genocide is too much fun, Azimuth has suggested that there is still room for a plucky underdog to make more and more bug zappers if they just dream big enough. This signals a race across scientific groups to see who can get the most useful data from the giant doom heralds first.
FAR GOD DEPORTATION PROGRAMME APPROVED – 12 June 3309
In a move slightly uncharacteristic of everyone’s favourite T-1000 lookalike, President Zachary Hudson has agreed to the Alliance’s request to take the True Chapters prisoners off their hands. Hudson described the sect as toxic and dangerous which are ironically the same words I hear whenever I visit my family. The cultists will be escorted to the Alliance vessels whereupon they will become “their problem” and “No take backsies”. Some have suggested this decision from Hudson is an attempt to suggest a slightly softer side to his presidency in the history books, but that would require a photo of him smiling which I don’t think exists outside of photoshop…
AEGIS AND AZIMUTH COMPETE FOR TITAN SAMPLES - 15 June 3309
In a dramatic clash to remain relevant, Aegis and Azimuth are going head to head to gather samples from the Titans. The Titans, being that they are big gribblies beyond mortal comprehension, are fascinating new avenues for xenobiological research and any corporation that cracks the significance of them could be sitting pretty for some time. Both organisations have essentially the same request so it's down to Independent Pilots to choose which group they want to help out, whether that be the seemingly benign Aegis or the "morally grey" Azimuth. In either case both are offering shiny paint jobs so you can look fabulous before the Titans wipe you from existence.
DISAPPEARANCE OF THE DEDICANT - 16 June 3309
Just a few days after Prime Minster Mahon magnanimously worked to free the True Chapter Far God Cultists from the tyranny of the Federation...they've only gone and seemingly legged it. Details are scarce but what the Alliance does know is that the Dedicant isn't where they thought it was and now they can't get in touch with their military escort. Did the cultists somehow overpower the significantly better armed soldiers or did some strange 3rd party show up and help them get away. Whatever the actual truth is Zachary Hudson is no doubt causing cracks in his stony face from laughing at Mahon's humiliation from his noble act backfiring.
That’s it for this week. Assuming this frail flesh construct can maintain rudimentary functionality we’ll be back next week for more of the weekly news summarised in a way that makes you question our hiring process. TTFN!
As we skipped a week last time, after this mortal frame I chose to inhabit decided to breakdown on me, this week’s roundup will contain not one but two weeks’ worth of inane nihilistic rambling! Let’s sit back, use our inside screaming, and check out what’s been going on in the galaxy!
THE EMPEROR’S IRE – 5 June 3309
Previously on ‘How to help grow the assassination business economy’, Hadrian “I have no concept of self preservation’ Duval thought that right in the middle of an intergalactic world war was the best time to tell the Emperor that he’s feeling extra expendable this week. He chose to suggest that the Emperor was showing weakness by daring to work with other superpowers in order to help the minor goal of humanity not going extinct. The Emperor has hit back by pointing out that they are working with Aegis and building new weapons for the Empire specifically. She also subtly reminded Hadrian that as sovereign he exists because she allows it and can end because she demands it. This has prompted higher up Imperials to cancel their dinner plans with Hadrian and reschedule any meetings with him to a less violent day in the calendar. Maybe February 31st?
ALLIANCE OFFERS AMNESTY FOR FAR GOD CULTISTS – 8 June 3309
Some say that the worst thing for a religion would be to find out there is no god, but maybe finding out there are 8 of them poised to stamp you out of existence might be a tad worse. The Federation previously declared the Far God Cult illegal, encouraging many memes of people painting tiny models to shout “Heresy!”. As a result the ‘True Chapters’ (Which implies the existence of ‘False Chapters’ ooooh) members on board the megaship ‘Dedicant’ were imprisoned by the Federation. In an effort to suggest they are a little more centrist leaning than the increasingly gammon faced Feds who want to solve problems by the addition of more weapons, the Alliance has offered to take the Far God Cultists off the Federations hands and put them up in Alliance facilities where they can live peaceful, safe lives so long as they don’t mind cameras in every crevice.
AZIMUTH REFOCUSES ON TITAN RESEARCH – 9 June 3309
From the company that provides its employees with compulsory gloating seminars and tips and tricks on when to use your evil laugh, comes a new edition of “What villainous things can we do with Thargoids this week”. Azimuth, the science team that just won’t go away, has stated that researching the Thargoid titans has become their number one priority. Whilst Aegis may have the benefits of size, popularity and the ability to not spark an intergalactic war because genocide is too much fun, Azimuth has suggested that there is still room for a plucky underdog to make more and more bug zappers if they just dream big enough. This signals a race across scientific groups to see who can get the most useful data from the giant doom heralds first.
FAR GOD DEPORTATION PROGRAMME APPROVED – 12 June 3309
In a move slightly uncharacteristic of everyone’s favourite T-1000 lookalike, President Zachary Hudson has agreed to the Alliance’s request to take the True Chapters prisoners off their hands. Hudson described the sect as toxic and dangerous which are ironically the same words I hear whenever I visit my family. The cultists will be escorted to the Alliance vessels whereupon they will become “their problem” and “No take backsies”. Some have suggested this decision from Hudson is an attempt to suggest a slightly softer side to his presidency in the history books, but that would require a photo of him smiling which I don’t think exists outside of photoshop…
AEGIS AND AZIMUTH COMPETE FOR TITAN SAMPLES - 15 June 3309
In a dramatic clash to remain relevant, Aegis and Azimuth are going head to head to gather samples from the Titans. The Titans, being that they are big gribblies beyond mortal comprehension, are fascinating new avenues for xenobiological research and any corporation that cracks the significance of them could be sitting pretty for some time. Both organisations have essentially the same request so it's down to Independent Pilots to choose which group they want to help out, whether that be the seemingly benign Aegis or the "morally grey" Azimuth. In either case both are offering shiny paint jobs so you can look fabulous before the Titans wipe you from existence.
DISAPPEARANCE OF THE DEDICANT - 16 June 3309
Just a few days after Prime Minster Mahon magnanimously worked to free the True Chapter Far God Cultists from the tyranny of the Federation...they've only gone and seemingly legged it. Details are scarce but what the Alliance does know is that the Dedicant isn't where they thought it was and now they can't get in touch with their military escort. Did the cultists somehow overpower the significantly better armed soldiers or did some strange 3rd party show up and help them get away. Whatever the actual truth is Zachary Hudson is no doubt causing cracks in his stony face from laughing at Mahon's humiliation from his noble act backfiring.
That’s it for this week. Assuming this frail flesh construct can maintain rudimentary functionality we’ll be back next week for more of the weekly news summarised in a way that makes you question our hiring process. TTFN!
