Nobody has died. Yes, we can exclusively report in conjunction with our rival station that Absolutely Nobody, that famous music star / group / artist / writer / actor / celebratory / nobody (delete as inappropriate) has died.
It is a sad yet joyous loss that has gained so much from so many people for so little benefit to anyone. Everyone who knew Nobody have declined to comment. Fans of Nobody are not sadly overjoyed right now.
A service will now be held for us all to remember Nobody and the contribution he / she / it made to Nothing, the charity that does nothing for Nobody.