I once met a space badger who told me a convincing story...
On a cold and frosty winter’s morning, the mist was rolling into the forest and the morning dew was forming on the woodland fauna. Deep within the forest on a distant Earth like world was an old leather wellington boot whose previous owner was a giant wellington wearing octopus called Pete. Within this spacious leather wellington boot complete with sash windows and a garage made from flip flops stood Gary the squirrel who was getting ready to go on a fishing trip down the local swamp when his smoke alarm started going off, making loud elephant noises which bounced off all the wellington boots’ interior walls and made Gary’s china plates rattle with the vibrations. It was his crumpets in the toaster slightly burning which had set the alarm off, Gary frowning at the loud elephant noises and quickly wafting the smoke with his unicycle managed to get the smoke alarm to stop making the elephant noises as his crumpets popped up in the toaster.
Gary sat down on an old sewing thread bobbin at his table made from an upturned foil pie casing which he believed to have once contained a chicken and mushroom flavoured pie and ate his burnt crumpets which he had spread with a praying mantis preserve he had made during the summer months, The summer months had be kind to Gary allowing him to collect many items for his home and gather many food stuffs he needed for the winter, he would often regale his gathering tales down the village hall of how he once fought off a large Badger for the foil pie casing and tell all those willing to listen how it once may have contained a deliciously warm processed chicken and mushroom pie enveloped in a warm and flaky pastry thought to come from a mysterious and wondrous place some called pie wonderland and others called the fish and chip shop.
Through the corner of his eye out the kitchen window he could see his next door neighbour Jeremy the Giraffe watching on in jealousy whilst trimming his lawn with a lobster. Once Gary had finished his wonderful praying mantis preserve crumpets under the watchful eye of jealous Jeremy he put on his straw fishing hat and waders before taking out a flute from his back pocket and dancing the river dance while he danced his way towards the flip flop garage.
With one swift command of “
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” the flip flop garage door opened and Gary stopped the river dance and flute playing immediately.
There before him stood his prized mobility scooter, his fishing tackle box made from an old sardine can neatly tucked into the mobility scooters basket on the front, on the side of the leopard print seat was duct tape holding a fishing rod he had taped on the night before. He quickly boarded the leopard print chariot and headed off to the swamp waving a walking stick around erratically and shouting abuse at the swans and ducks along the way “geeerrrrr outttt maaaa weeeeeyyyyy” he shouted as a red crested mallard tried to come out of Dorothy Perkins onto the pavement and was nearly hit with his flailing walking stick dodging at the last minute but unfortunately falling over and all the other ducks started to Quack and flap about. One tried to dodge Gary as he flew by Greggs but slipped on some wet leaves which sent their beef and onion pasty slice flying onto a nearby swan minding his own business, leaving an array of beef gravy and finely chopped onions mixed with pastry sliding slowly down the swan’s neck.
Gary had managed to navigate the rest of town with much of the same disruption causing one duck at the Crispy Wing Chinese take away to fall into the oven with a bottle of hoi sin sauce he was carrying, a tragedy much enjoyed with spring onions & cucumber on a warmed pancake that has been folded up neatly. Gary finally made it to the swamp which was covered in lily pads and there were eloquent frogs wearing top hats and monocles pronouncing “ribbit” correctly “ribbit I say old chap” said one frog to another, surrounding the swamp were various trees and reeds covering the swamps banks, A family of beavers were building a dam on the far side discussing where the Chaise long should go.
* an extract from the Liquorice disaster featured in "the quest for a foil pie casing" - (believe it or not there are 40 more pages of this)
