Hi,
I'd like to apologize.
I'd like to apologize for painting a false picture about myself and my situation, even if it was not intentional. I wanted to show, that it is not that bad, to be retired at the age of 37, having Multiple Sclerosis. I wanted to show, that I can still be happy and find ways to have fun all day long. That anger, ignorance, fear, anxiety doesn't exist. That I can ignore these feelings, while playing video-games, building a spaceship-cockpit, listening to music, watching videos...
And I was wondering, why I see in people's eyes anger, fear, anxiety or ignorance, when they are around me. Why do they feel these feelings, when we re together. I was blaming them for this. But why do I feel bad, when I'm alone at home, I could do, whatever I want to, but I don't feel to do anything. Just waiting for the end of the day, to go to sleep, and next day, when I wake up, I'm scared, I feel panic, anger... again. And say to myself: "this is not mine!". And days are just passing, I'm waiting for a miracle, so people would be happy and nice around me, but it is not happening. And I was blaming them. Blaming the doctors, that they cant cure me, blaming the whole world, because it is so cruel and unfair.
Six months ago I've heard about inattentional blindness (
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inattentional_blindness). I is easy to believe the visual part of that. But there is the emotional inattentional blindness too. And it is scary, how effectively this mechanism protects us from shocks and traumas, what we can't handle, when they are happening. This could be the same, like in the case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When this mechanism works, there will be a 'blind-spot' in our memory for the emotion, we don't even know, that that was a shock. But the feelings will be haunting us, we just don't know, why they are there...
This would explain, why I'm scared of hospitals and doctors. Because, when I was told in a hospital, by a doctor, that I have an incurable disease, I couldn't handle that. So, since then, this is a "blind-spot". But in reality, at that moment, I was so terrified, angry and desperate, that I could handle it. And after that, for the next 10 years, I was thinking, how well I handled that, how well I accepted that. And I couldn't understand, why am I frustrated for not to be able to live a normal life, to work, to go out with my family, to live like others do. Because I've already accepted my situation, I'm hard as a rock and go forward...
Since last December, I go to a therapeutist every week, to find out, what's wrong. First I wanted to know, what's wrong with the world. Now, I'm beginning to see, that the problem is not with the world. The problem is, that I have some serious emotional blind-spots. That the emotions, what I see in people, the anger, the fear, the anxiety... well, those are in me too.
It was a hard punch to my ego. To accept, that I'm not perfect, that I'm "blind" too. That all those negative feelings are inside me. That those have to be handled, and can't be forgotten. That I have to grow up to the task if I want to handle all those hidden stories. And if I'd like to do that, I have to do the five steps of loss and grief: denial-anger-bargaining-sadness-acceptance (
https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/).
Denial is already here (I have no problems). Anger is already here (I'm angry at the world). Bargaining is already here. The barrier is here: "boys don't cry, they are not sad, boys are hard as a rock". "Accepting something is weakness". "I'm always right".
I go to the therapeutist every week, and face a hidden memory, a hidden emotion. I'm facing every week, how weak and fragile I am. How mean and insidious I am. But I get better a tiny little bit every week. I'm beginning to see things, what I haven't seen before. How hard my parents are trying to do something for me. How hard my wife is trying to do something for me. They are using the "tools", what they own, to make my days better. They can't do miracles, can't heal me. But they are trying to do the best they can. They are with me, even i it is very hard for them. When they are angry, it is not that they hate me. They are angry, because they are unable to help me as much as they want to. When they are afraid, that is not because I'm a monster. They have fears for me. I'm not the centre of the universe, other people have their own fights too.
For me, it is worth to look into the honest mirror every week, and to find a new fragment of my real personality. It is hard. The hardest thing, what I've ever gone trough. But I prefer fighting for those smiles, that I haven't realised and missed on people's faces in the past, because my glasses of anger were covering them. I don't want to give up, and to keep on hurting and ignoring people who love me.
I wish you all the best!
!
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. Once I caught it, I thought "this is fine" but the virus spread and got out of control 
