Deleted member 110222
D
I want to begin this post by stressing that I am not looking for sympathy. What I am about to tell you is nothing more than a statement of medical fact that I came to terms with years ago. It is not life threatening, don't worry. My battle is a psychological one, and I'm seeking the appropriate professional help as much as is possible.
Anyway, I would like to refer to my signature, specifically the first line.
"I have multiple personality disorder."
This is going to be a serious hurdle for me to overcome.
The short story is, I wake up as different "people" every few days. This is why I have an erratic pattern to my many posts on this forum. Most recently, I had been "under the control" of an aggressive character who is obsessed with being better than other people.
This is why I had my recent mouse & keyboard topic. "He" was pursuing min-max in an effort to beat other players in PvP. (He loves FPS, which is why I have TF2 installed on my system)
Well I woke up today and I was back under the "normal" personality. I consider this fellow to be the "real" me and he is able to fully understand my many diagnosis, hence my writing of this post. Yes, this is the personality who manages the Post-It notes I often refer to. I talk to myself a lot, but what is actually happening when I do this, is that my various personalities are actually talking to each other.
The reason I can't multi-task is because my brain is already being used by a number of "people". I've tried controlling this behaviour but after over a decade, I've come to realise that I have no control them a lot of the time.
Anyway, what does this have to do with DW2? Simple. Because I wake up as different "people" every few days, i'm going to be faced with a unique problem: Some of my brain will be excited and enthusiastic for the trip, but at the same time, other elements will be actively opposed to the idea of DW2, and will be trying to "make a case" for turning back. This is further complicated by the fact that on some days, one of those disagreeing personalities will actually be in control of my physical actions, including how I play the game.
This is where the "normal" personality comes in. He is responsible for keeping my other personalities in check, making sure that they stick to a unified plan, and in general, keeping my nastiness to a minimum. DW2 will be a big challenge. three of my personalities like shooting things in games, so 20-odd weeks in a PvE server... Yeah it's gonna' be tough.
So why am I doing DW2? Simple. It's, for me, a show of power. My main personality needs to show the others that he is in control, and that sometimes the other guys just need to shut up and listen. I think I have six personalites. Two agree with the main, but the other three are a bit more... Unruly, as it were. Those three are my biggest hurdle.
Forget scary stars, forget running out of fuel. My biggest opponent is myself. That's why I'm doing DW2. To tell all of me, all of "them" that I'm the boss, and that I am actually going to achieve something for a change.
I know Internet spaceships isn't much for most of you, but for me, completing DW2 will be one of the biggest accomplishments of my life, mostly as a social exercise, given the number of members, but also, as a personal endeavour as I seek to better myself.
Thank you for reading.
CMDR Un1k0rn (AKA Matt)
3HU-DW
Fleet Mechanic
EDIT: Upon reflection, I don't think it would be fair to on expose anyone else, or myself, to my erractic behaviour in a PG that has a strict rule set.
It is no secret that I thoroughly enjoy making the occasional gank, and I don't have the funds to afford a secondary account on PC. (Too busy saving for an X56, and what I do spend on games mostly goes on cosmetics.)
It is for this reason that I am resigning from the roster, and leaving the Fleetcom PG. (Which I've never used since DW1 anyway)
Again, I must stress that I am not looking for sympathy, in fact I would reject it. However, i have to take into account the experience for other players, and to be it bluntly, I don't trust myself to not do something stupid. One of my personalities is, quite bluntly, sociopathic. Quite simply, he doesn't care about anyone but himself, and enjoys being a jerk.
This is my main frame of mind saying this, and I think I'd be better off putting my energies in things that all my personalities enjoys. While that includes exploring, I have no shame in telling you that it also includes trade, combat, and yes, ganking every now and then.
I apologise for this turn of events, but this thread has been on my mind since I posted last night. And all I can think is, I'm going to do something stupid. Indeed I fantasise about it. Big red flag there.
No, I'm not being held responsible for an upset, so I'm removing myself from the DW2 equation in its entirety.
I'm also going to admit to getting cold feet about lasting the entire journey and back. It's too far for me to last I think, even in Open where PvP is permitted.
I wish you all a good trip, but I can't take part. Not if I want it to be fair for everyone, which is something I care about a lot.
So all-in-all, no salt here. I just don't have the right frame of mind. I'm too unstable.
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Seriously though, don't worry about it, we will deal with it as and when we need to. We can play 'Guess the Un1korn' when we are bored!