That did make me laugh
also I think most successful people look at a job and determine whether they can do the job. If they can then they go for it - you only get the prize if you compete
I understand completely what you are saying, the problem is (as an interviewer
) a lot of CVs are like your friends above and it takes some effort to peel away the layers of interview prep.
I wish I had gone freelance at some point in the past as well, but I am working for the man until I die I suspect (
) so I'll play the game you describe when I need to, I just back it up with Mad skillz
Yeah all of the above does presume you can actually do the job. In IT (which I am no longer in thank you very much!) practical competency is everything. You can either do it or you can't. If you to get a job you'll be found out in short order. All I do is make sure I get the interview ahead of Chuck Schmuck.
Most of the time if I
can't do something, I can ask Google and be a world [Redacted] expert on it within a day or two. Expectations in most jobs range from none really to we expect you to be world class for 20k pa. In the UK everyone wants 5 years experience and an IQ of 136 for 20k pa. Or less.
Some folks likely read what I wrote and thought: but surely you get caught eventually? First of all: everyone is doing it. Except you. And, critically, everyone hates HR. Including the guy hiring you. Once he's decided who he's hiring he ain't changing his mind if it means he has to do it all again next week.
As long as your (paid for lol) professional references are OK and you can mimic the social background (mannerisms, speech, body language) and prejudices of your interviewer to a tee, you're more than likely going to be fine. If not, who cares? Just apply for the next one. Worst case scenario is a company that outsources its recruitment or has an actual HR recruitment process - you know those creepy panel interviews where they ask you to roleplay and read from scripts etc. They ask stupid irrelevant stuff designed to catch you out as the raging psychotic serial killer you secretly are:
It's your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Those I enjoyed the most perversely. Its a challenge to remember the absurdly convoluted hypothetical scenario/question they read out and at the same time formulate a reply based on what you think they want to hear (careful to use those Key Words! If they aren't ticking their sheet you're doing it wrong lol) whilst effecting an aura of being slightly shocked by Bryan's obvious misogeny and inappropriate touching of female employees or Sarah's unsubtle Right-sizing of brown skinned Internal Customers.
Its also amusing to not have one for a few years then be blown away by how much the rules have been revised and rewritten in the interval. I swear those HR girls are worse than nutritionists for [Redacted] justification of their own salaries! Needless to say you can tell all you need to about your future employer by their recruitment process. And managers
love to talk about themselves and the
complex challenges of their roles, organizational structure etc. With a little careful prompting the egocentric god complex bossman will sperge literally until the room runs out of oxygen. I once got a guy to talk for 3.5 hrs in an interview. He ran out of time in the end and presumably I got that one by default.
My other pro tip is interview for a few jobs you have no interest in whatsoever before you apply for the one you want. You need to perfect not giving a [Redacted]. Its a fine art. The only sure fire way to get the job of your dreams is to not be remotely bothered about not getting the job of your dreams. Unless you are a sociopath or something, but then the job of
your dreams probably involves hooks, straps and vibrating tables. That or a middle management induction course.
Contrary to how it may sound I am not in fact mentally ill. lol. I just realized that being honest, loyal, putting in extra hours, volunteering to work Christmas, being the guy who always wears a clean shirt etc. means nothing. If anything it just makes everyone you work with resent you and your boss worried you want his job.
Working for others is a thankless task. The idiot 'supervising' you is always getting far more for far less and all middle management are sociopaths or bullies or both. Millions of people go in to work every day to be as passive aggressive and petty as they possibly can to anyone they can. I literally never had a job that wasn't ruined by a sociopathic manager or supervisor. Every single job, even feel good ones where you are ostensibly supposed to be helping others, was blighted by some preening narcissistic boot licking bully boy or more commonly girl (sorry its true, there's more psychotic/sociopathic women managers than male ones in my experience).
Finally, never underestimate just how bad every other applicant is. Hubris? Maybe a smidge but really, assuming you are actually able to do the job you are applying for, that is like 90% of the battle won. The other guys will mostly care too much (see above) or think that being the best qualified most knowledgeable person is all they need to land the role. Willful ignorance of basic anthropology and human prejudice, tribal selection, group think etc is just shooting yourself in the face before you even begin.
*Self employment is hard graft and I've only been out there a year or so but so far its been a blast. No . No dancing around. Just turn up, do the contractually obliged level of work, go home. Bill the [Redacted] out of them, declare half of it, write the rest off as expenses. PAYE is for losers.
Oh yeah, finally,
always use a good quality aluminium based roll on antiperspirant. Even if you think you don't need it.
*For the benefit of posterity and HMRC this denotes humour.